Early Life
I was born and raised in Utah. I am now in the mid-thirties. We went to church as a family but I became a rebellious teenager. I started smoking pot in ninth grade and dropped out of school the following year. I drank and used other drugs. As my life went downhill, I determined I would die before I age 20.
I had a “bad trip” on LSD when I was 16. I believed I was going permanently insane and I had a terrifying revelation – death would not be an escape as I had previously supposed. I also felt that what I had learned in Primary and all that my parents had taught me about the Gospel is true. A few months later, I visited with the bishop and became active in church. I was rescued by the Savior.
Church Activity and Mission
I had some great experiences in church and on scout activities. Before then, I knew very little about the Book of Mormon. It seemed to come to life as I read through it and it was an amazing experience.
Despite struggling with depression, I graduated from high school and prepared for the temple and a mission. Going to the temple for the first time was a bit disappointing. It just didn’t make sense to me. The MTC was difficult because I felt unworthy even though I had been told repeatedly by leaders that I was. I attended the temple twice in the mission field and did not enjoy it. Though I experienced depression and anxiety, I had some good times and completed my mission. I had a very solid testimony.
After-mission Life
I got married a few months after getting home. Within a few months after that, I was severely depressed. I have visited doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists and tried many medications since then. Eventually, I lost some faith because I had tried for so long to live the Gospel and I was not happy. Very seldom did I visit the temple. I read some anti-Mormon stuff and some things gave me pause, but I was mostly amused by it and was not deeply concerned.
We begat four children.
Beginning of Crisis
On February 29, 2012, the “Church Statement Regarding 'Washington Post' Article on Race and the Church” was released. It states:
I had understood we didn't really know why the restriction existed, but I assumed we knew how and when it came about. The idea that we don't even know if it should have existed came to my mind, and that hit me hard. Had the leaders of the church been “teaching for doctrines the commandments of men”? What other supposed doctrines might not be of God?For a time in the Church there was a restriction on the priesthood for male members of African descent. It is not known precisely why, how, or when this restriction began in the Church but what is clear is that it ended decades ago.
I still believed and I determined to learn all I could in order to get through the pain as quickly as possible, avoid further surprise and disillusionment in the future, and gain the ability to help others avoid a faith crisis or work through one.
Study
I’ve done a lot of studying over the last four years. I have studied mainly primary sources, like the Journal of Discourses, and I read most of Rough Stone Rolling. My main concerns have been the institutional racism and polygamy, but I have learned about all sorts of issues.
The more I learned, the less I believed about the church’s truth claims and the less I respected the brethren. Nearly two years ago, I was mourning the loss of my religion. I really laid down and cried several times. However, I was still active for the most part. I posted a lot on StayLDS.
My cousin is an alcoholic and hasn't had a drink in a couple years. His life has drastically improved. He attends an AA meeting every day. His higher power is "god" with very few defined attributes. This eventually led me to doubt that we really need Jesus. I saw that people can be "saved" in different ways.
Losing My Religion
I think The Secret was the final blow. I listened to the audio book a few times this year. It teaches the law of attraction, which says “If you can see it in your mind, you can hold it in your hand” and “Whatever you can conceive and believe, you can achieve.”
So, what’s the best and easiest way to put people under your religion’s thumb? Perhaps the answer is to teach the people that the most important thing for their salvation is to first believe. And they must fervently believe and even act as if they already know a thing that they really don’t know. Doing that leads to a witness of the truth – meaning it leads to them "knowing" whatever it is that they believed. The problem here is that people can convince themselves that all sorts of things are true. These thoughts that I had were devastating and horrifying.
I could no longer rely an any “spiritual” witness. I quit believing.
Now
I told my TBM wife a couple months ago. It didn't come out of the blue. I've expressed doubts here and there over the years. I emailed her a document I had prepared that details my concerns. It was 25 pages long then and it's 83 pages now. She read it and then we talked.
I was not very tactful. I told her "It's all bullcrap." Some days later, we were talking about Joseph Smith and she said something like, “He’s probably a nice guy. How would you react if he came here to see us right now?” I said, “I’d punch him in the face.”
My document didn’t affect her much. She is not bothered by the issues and I have been bummed about that.
I resigned from my calling. I told the bishop and my Elder’s Quorum President that I have been having doubts and I’m struggling with my testimony, but I’m not going to tell them more. I still go to church with my family. I am now morally opposed to paying tithing so we pay only on my wife’s paychecks.
I don't want to cause trouble for my wife and kids. I don't want my neighbors to know about what I think of the church. Many of them are awesome and I want to continue being their friend. I don't want any them to be afraid that I will influence their kids.
I want my kids to know that I don't believe. I think they should not be misled by my church attendance. I believe at least one of them will want to leave the church some day and I don't want them to say "Seriously, Dad? You knew this stuff and didn't tell me?" I will not actively seek to destroy their faith, but I think I need to be honest if they ask me questions. I need to find some kind of balance. I don’t know when or how I will tell them.
The whole experience has been very painful.
