Moved, problems adapting.

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Moved, problems adapting.

Post by Isaac » Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:57 pm


New here. I like your style. No sugar-coating. I might be younger than most. But I can’t find a NOM for youth. I am in so much deep doo-doo I could write a book. I am isolated and need some honest advice.

Chapter 1.

Introduction: I am 15, my brother is 17 and my twin sisters are 11. My father changed jobs and we moved far away from Utah to the middle of nowhere last year. My mother stayed in Utah in rehab for prescription drug abuse, depression and suicide attempts. We hope not but their marriage might be ending.

Our new school is small and crappy and basically a “socialist paradise” (cough). Full-throttle war on boys. I do not fit in there. What a bunch of cowering weenies and pot heads. They don’t let guys fight at all. I got in trouble kicking some punk ass and have to act like a sissy now.

We have a small ward here with zero young men except me and my brother. The ward has 7 girls in high school which is unusual for around here. The next ward over like 50 miles away and they have a total of only 4 ym/yw. Three of the girls in my ward are popular and cute and seemed spiritual on the surface. All 3 of them are voluptuous and at school their immodesty and sleaze is legendary. It has earned them the appellation of the “Mormon melons”.

The other 4 are about as weird as it gets. They are not that cute and maybe could stand to either gain or lose about 20 pounds each on average. I can overlook that. But the way they act and dress, they seriously should consider a career in a freak show. I can’t really describe it, except maybe something similar to drunken saloon girls a hundred years ago. They swear constantly and tell racist or filthy stories and get into physical fights with each other. Around here it is fine if the girls do it, just not the guys.

These 4 weird girls sang a quartet in sacrament meeting. It was by far the absolutely worst performance ever! Indescribable. One of the popular girls recorded it on her phone and showed it to non-LDS people at school who howled in laughter. I would be so embarrassed to bring any non-LDS person to our ward. The popular girls hate and ridicule and bully the 4 weird girls constantly which only makes them worse. The weird girls do make me laugh but not for the right reason.

My brother thinks we should take advantage of the opportunity to date the popular girls in the ward. He is dating one of them. He always was a sucker for big chests and I am afraid that he might start banging her. I thought that it would be safer if I tried to causally date the weird girls in the ward and maybe it would help them grow up and be more normal.

Chapter 2.

Dating disasters: First I asked out the tallest one with blond hair who is 17 years old and thinks it appealing to wear a puffy blond wig that makes her head look like a big white pumpkin. We went to a school dance and ignored the snickering and had a pretty decent time. She took me back to her house down in the basement and we started kissing. I wanted to yank that stupid wig off her and scrub some of the ghost-white make-up off her face so that I could see what she actually looked like, but I didn’t. She started taking cloths off but had multiple layers of cloths which was rather hilarious until the end when she suddenly got down to skimpy underwear and white-make-up on her entire body. I decided it was time to leave. She told everyone that I must be gay.

Next I asked out the plump red-head bundle of energy. (One of the popular girls is her older sister). She was so obnoxious, laughing and accidently spitting and burping and slobbering and passing gas. She claimed she could swear in 7 languages and she taught me filthy words I have never even heard before. Every once in a while she would punch me in the stomach really hard for no reason and laugh like a hyena. I couldn’t stand being around her and ended the date quickly. She sent me nude selfies later that night and she looks so fat they made me sick. If I ever had even the slightest physical attraction to her, it is so gone. I had to block her.

Next was a sneaky scrawny little girl my same age who likes to wink at her friends and me frequently. At first I thought it was a nervous twitch but she has complete control over it. She was very exotic with many crazy ideas. She is the least obnoxious of the bunch. We went bowling (her idea) and back to her trailer house and met her parents. Her father was drunk and fell asleep. When her mother went into the other room, “Winkie” pounced on me and started kissing me. It was dangerous but exciting doing that right next to the snoring old walrus. That is as far as it went before he woke up and kicked me out and threatened to “dock me like a sheep” (what does that even mean?) if I ever come back.

The last of the 4 scares me. She is the older anorexic sister of “Winkie.” The others are often laughing and flippant but she is always intense and deeply disturbed. She told me no before I even asked her out and claims she has a non-Mormon gothic boyfriend who will one day rule the universe. No one has ever met this boyfriend. I think she might smoke a lot of weed or eat mushrooms, hell they all might for what I know. So much for dating the 4 weird girls in the ward.

Chapter 3.

Seminary shenanigans: We have to get up at 5:30 am for early morning seminary with this bunch when they are at their worst. Our teacher is the mother of one of the popular girls and she reminds me of a big, fat, old buzzard. We meet in her cluttered, roach-infested kitchen where she wallows around at about 300 to 400 pounds. Her cloths were probably too tight when she weighed 100 pounds less than now. She must not bathe much because she stinks. She shows way too much cleavage in front and back.

She fixes us soupy oatmeal for breakfast every day, slightly burnt. We chuck it around at each other when she isn’t looking. The weird girls really don’t care if it hits them but the popular girls do, which is a huge disadvantage for them. One time Winkie dumped the whole pot on the head of my brother’s girlfriend and it ran down into the front of her dress. She got her bony little ass whooped with a wooden spoon. That was the highlight of this year.

So far our teacher just screams constantly and is mean to the weird girls who continually provoke her. She is a sucker for every dubious and unfounded Mormon pseudo-doctrine or rumor. She believes in astrology, reads fortunes and uses tarot cards. She dispenses various herbs and noxious teas “to any and all who desire them.”

She acquired a pair of magic white rocks after reading about a seer stone in the Salt Lake papers. If Oliver Cowdery had enough faith and could have used seer stones why not her? She has not received any revelations with her stones for the whole ward but she claims to use them to enhance her personal prayers and to prepare her seminary lessons (which could be an improvement if she actually prepared anything for her lessons). I don’t believe in magic rocks.

One day she told the popular girls that it would be a good idea for all of them to be on birth control pills just in case and also for treatment of acne. She offered to help get them in the mail. She next described herbal remedies that will end a pregnancy if things get that far along. She told the weird girls that they were so hopeless that they didn’t need to worry about getting pregnant. I almost choked trying not to laugh.

The old witch stared at me and demanding an explanation. I asked if perhaps she should also be telling us guys to keep, like a rubber in our wallet just in case. She got really mad and told me that everything about birthing was within the woman’s stewardship according to the Lord’s plan and kicked us boys both out of the house to stand on the porch in the cold rain for 10 minutes until the discussion was over. My brother was asleep when this started but not when it ended. I am so not looking forward to years of this torture.

Chapter 3.

Families can be together forever: My father was called into the bishopric the second week we were here. He is in constant crisis mode with church problems and has no time for anything else including his kids. This leaves us, his 4 darling children pretty much on our own all the time which is fine by me. My twin little sisters are wild obnoxious brats. They must have done something and the primary president slapped them both several times in the face at church. Obviously, they need a mother. I think the abusive old Biddy wants the job and has her eye on my father. He doesn’t think she should be released for slapping his children in church and the bishop agrees. I would like to do something unpleasant to her, like ratting out what her daughter tried to do with me. She is the mother of Blondie with the wig. If they got together Blondie would be like my step sister. Sick.

Chapter 4,5,6,7,8,9. Otherwise church is boring boring boring…….

Chapter 10.

Faltering faith: I have started wondering about the statement, the church is true but the people are not perfect. It is beginning to be obvious to me that the people are the church and they are far from saintly and the church can’t do anything about it. Because the church is just an abstraction. In this ward, church makes life suck.

I wonder, why would anyone want to be a missionary where the church is weak if this is the reality? It doesn’t seem like it is worth 2 hours of my time, let alone 2 years, to have any part in building or more like excreting a ward like this one. I am losing my mind and my desire to prepare for a mission, go to BYU or even attend seminary. How am going to survive almost 3 more years of this? I want to be around normal people and maybe find a nice girlfriend. Is that too much to hope for?

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Re: Moved, problems adapting.

Post by Emower » Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:50 am

Hey Isaac,

Welcome to the site. No, we dont sugar coat things around here and you arent going to be an exception, although I will give you the fact that you are 15.
That sucks about your Mom and your Dad. I dont have that kind of experience, so I cannot offer much in the way of advice. But I will say try to stick close to those that love you. Your Dad may be in constant crisis mode with church stuff, but if he loves you try not to hold that against him.

The church is the people, and nope, those people sure arent perfect. Most of us have let go of that expectation, but it is still annoying most of the time.

I can relate to your situation of being in a weird ward. I grew up in a branch full of often weird people, I was the only YM for quite a while. But I still have many of those people as my friends, and they are always happy to see me when I go back. It makes me feel bad that I used to dislike them so much. But it is hard, especially when you are trying to deal with it.

I am reacting a little bit to your attitude towards other people in your orbit. The first thing I dont like is your attitude towards the girls. Maybe the popular ones are promiscuous, that in and of itself doesn't deserve your contempt. You just moved in. You have no idea what in their life has made them the way they are. Maybe if more nuanced people like us could live/act better towards people we dont agree with the whole construct of the Mormon church could be improved. Talk is easier than walk though, and I will acknowledge that.

I also really dont like your attitude towards the "unattractive" and weird girls.
These 4 weird girls sang a quartet in sacrament meeting. It was by far the absolutely worst performance ever! Indescribable. One of the popular girls recorded it on her phone and showed it to non-LDS people at school who howled in laughter. I would be so embarrassed to bring any non-LDS person to our ward.
This is so high school man, get over it.
He always was a sucker for big chests and I am afraid that he might start banging her.
Tell him to wear a condom.
I thought that it would be safer if I tried to causally date the weird girls in the ward and maybe it would help them grow up and be more normal.
How noble of you. Thats fine if you really put out some effort and do that. But if all you are gonna do is put them down and complain about them, certainly to their face or through any kind of action, you are going to be someone who is unhealthy for them and will probably make them worse. So if you cant be nice, dont engage.
Dating disasters
I am not even going to go here. Everyone has dating disasters. I had my fair share. You will have your share. Sounds like things are maybe super weird. I will reiterate what I said above, if you cannot be nice, dont engage. Youth dont realize how actions in such formative years can affect personalities going forward.
Seminary shenanigans
I suspect that the reality is probably not as Roald Dahl-ish as you make it sound. Maybe it is. But hey, she goes to the effort to fix you oatmeal. Maybe focus on that.
How am going to survive almost 3 more years of this? I want to be around normal people and maybe find a nice girlfriend. Is that too much to hope for?
I dont know. I do know that everybody feels this at some point, and they find a way. Find people you can get along with. Be the person you would want to hang out with. Get involved with sports, clubs, etc. If those dont exist, make them. My advice is to be the person you would want for yourself.

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A New Name
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Re: Moved, problems adapting.

Post by A New Name » Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:07 am

I think we are being trolled here. Isaac may be a really intelligent and articulate 15 year old, but this seems to have been written by somebody much older.

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Re: Moved, problems adapting.

Post by moksha » Fri Jan 12, 2018 10:31 pm

Isaac, I want to say I am impressed by your writing. It is so good that I wondered if it was written by an older person who was trying to yank our collective chains. I couldn't help saying to myself that the writer had a wonderful vision of a 15-year-old Utah boy taking his upbringing to a new environment and being a fish out of water because of it.

However, to the 15-year-old boy, I would suggest that in chapters 11 and 12 the protagonist should begin to accept the other characters around him "as is" rather than how he would like them to be. When you write your own narrative you can steer it towards a satisfactory ending. May the bard be with you.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Raylan Givens
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Re: Moved, problems adapting.

Post by Raylan Givens » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:07 pm

Reading your post is like a weird version of Footloose. I wish I could have my three minutes back...

(I am logging off NOM for a while)
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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Re: Moved, problems adapting.

Post by Hagoth » Mon Jan 15, 2018 8:43 am


I am sorry for the trials in your life and excited for your opportunity to grow from them and rise to the occasion. I look forward to hearing further reports about how you adapt and begin to relate to the people around you in a way that will be helpful to all of you.

In the meantime, have you considered talking to Jared Hess about a potential screenplay?
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

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