Alas, I should reintroduce myself

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Alas, I should reintroduce myself

Post by alas » Fri Oct 28, 2016 5:41 pm

I suppose since even us old timers are giving an introduction, I should too.

I am one of those "come from pioneer stock on all lines" but I am hardly that type of Mormon. I have always felt conflicted by that heritage. My grandmothers were both *that* type of Mormon, who were so proud of the heritage and felt it made them better than others. And I always disliked that about both of them.

My parents were alternately active or inactive. They were seldom both active at once. So, in Provo, Utah, our family was looked down on by all the self righteous active families. We were also poor, which was ironic because my father had his PH.D.

So, real oddball family. Abusive to boot. All I can say is that growing up was hell and life only really started when I married my sweetheart.

So, BIC, MIT to RM, and even DUP, (daughters of Utah Pioneers) all those good Mormon initials. All essentially meaningless because I never cold make myself believe that JS was a good man, let alone a prophet.

(I found out that I got that feeling in the womb because my mother read No Man Knows My History while she was pregnant with me. She stopped believing, but never processed how she felt, which just made her slightly nuts about church. She always forced us kids to go, and always, always acted like she believed. Possibly terrified of her own mother finding out. But even after her mother died, she kept up the pretense. She only admitted reading NMKMH a few months before her death, but still could not bring herself to talk about it or admit (maybe even to herself) that she didn't believe it.)

I married at 19. My DH was 20 years active duty military, not by choice but started because the draft was breathing down his neck, then because the government paid him to get his engineering master's degree, and he had to "pay back the time" in service as an officer. So, after ten years in, he decided to go to 20 for the retirement. So, officer with prior enlisted.

We moved 20 times in those 20 years.

Then he worked civil service until he retired.

Me, I fit my life between moves and children. Three kids, master's degree in social work, and worked with battered wives, rape victims, incest victims.

Essentially, I tried to make myself believe for a few years, wondering what was wrong with me that I just could not get over disliking JS. I hated the temple. My Jesus was very different than the one at church. But I attended because church was instant social connections, and military wards are good wards.

Then DH retired from the military in Utah. I went inactive because I couldn't stand church. But DH wanted me at church with him, so I went back and pretty soon I was depressed and having problems related to the childhood abuse. So, get back into therapy and put myself back together. I really can't stand church. Go inactive. Rinse repeat.

Then a few years back, I noticed a pattern. When I was inactive, I was happy. But go back to church and it was like living with my abusive parents and I had to get into counseling again. Aha, church is emotionally abusive.

So, now DH and I are retired and snowbirds and enjoying life. I am inactive and he is active. We have a summer place (new this week) overlooking Bear Lake, and a winter place in Hurricane. We hike and ATV and kyayk.

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Re: Alas, I should reintroduce myself

Post by AllieOop » Sat Oct 29, 2016 7:07 am

alas wrote:So, now DH and I are retired and snowbirds and enjoying life. I am inactive and he is active. We have a summer place (new this week) overlooking Bear Lake, and a winter place in Hurricane. We hike and ATV and kyayk.
Sounds like you've been able to make peace and also evolve into doing something that works for both you and your husband. Your retirement sounds awesome!!

Thanks for writing an intro...I loved read through it, alas.
"There came a time when the desire to know the truth about the church became stronger than the desire to know the church was true."

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deacon blues
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Re: Alas, I should reintroduce myself

Post by deacon blues » Sat Oct 29, 2016 7:37 am

I laughed when you said your Mom read "no Man Knows My History" while you were in her womb. I also have a hard time with the Joseph Smith idolization. When I read the "History of the Church" the guy comes of as arrogant in so many places. It unconsciously bugged me. BTW, great to have NOM back. :) :)
God is Love. God is Truth

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Re: Alas, I should reintroduce myself

Post by achilles » Sun Oct 30, 2016 11:15 am

Alas, it is very good to have you here. You bring a lot of experience and wisdom to our discussions.

I don't know if you hear this much, but I'd like to say that I deeply respect your work with people who have been abused. I don't know if I could do it. (Although when I was teaching junior high there were a lot of people who said similar things to me...)
“For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.”

― Carl Sagan

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Re: Alas, I should reintroduce myself

Post by MoPag » Sun Oct 30, 2016 10:22 pm

Thanks for all the great work you did moderating the old board. I love hearing your perspective on things. You have taught me a lot.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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Fifi de la Vergne
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Re: Alas, I should reintroduce myself

Post by Fifi de la Vergne » Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:30 am

I loved reading this reintroduction, Alas. I like reading your posts because I almost always find a a nugget of practical wisdom or insight in what you share.
Joy is the emotional expression of the courageous Yes to one's own true being.

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