Hello

If you are new to the board or simply have something new in your life, come let us know in the Introductions forum.
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NOMelgänger
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:52 am

Hello

Post by NOMelgänger » Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:47 pm

The discovery of this board a few days ago has been life changing for me. Since my divorce almost 3 years ago, I had been pretty much resigned to the idea that I would wallow in solitude while pretending to be a TBM to keep the peace with my ex-wife. My kids' lives have already been shaken up too much, I don't want to burden them with me leaving the church on top of it. I lie to keep a recommend so I can keep up appearances with family and perform ordinations for my sons. I hate pretending to be someone else (hence my username/avatar, for any fellow Twin Peaks fans :roll: ).

A few weeks before my oldest son graduated high school last May, he came out to his mother and me. He has an online boyfriend, but he isn't sure he wants to label himself as gay. He has been dealing with a lot of pain for a long time. At the time, he was living with his mom and her parents (who recently returned from a senior mission), and he didn't want to upset the apple cart or appear to be a corrupting influence on his siblings. He moved in with me a few weeks ago, and the fact that I don't pressure him to go to church has been life-changing for him, as well. I feel like it is a toxic environment for him.

He's made me question whether I want to keep pretending, as well. I'm still mulling things over, but I decided if I stay, it isn't going to be on the Brethren's terms. It'll be on my own. Searching for others from whom I can learn to do that brought me here. I have read so many of your posts, and it has been so good to know that I'm not alone. I hope to keep learning from you and become part of this community.

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EternityIsNow
Posts: 146
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2016 11:48 pm

Re: Hello

Post by EternityIsNow » Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:13 pm

Welcome. Sorry to hear about the divorce. Life happens.

Yes, sitting on the fence is not very satisfying, but you get used to it... Many of us stay members for positive reasons, usually involving putting family first, just like the church preached to us for so long.

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Ghost
Posts: 414
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 11:40 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Ghost » Sun Aug 13, 2017 10:10 am

Welcome to the forums. Gradually and somewhat surreptitiously taking things on your own terms while remaining active is basically the approach I take, though I don't have some of the specific family pressures that you do. I don't think an easy approach exists, but this is a good place to find advice from people who have dealt with similar things.

I am looking forward to seeing that new Twin Peaks series at some point, though I'm not sure what I'll think of it considering that it apparently resembles Fire Walk with Me more than the original series.

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wtfluff
Posts: 3629
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:20 pm
Location: Worshiping Gravity / Pulling Taffy

Re: Hello

Post by wtfluff » Sun Aug 13, 2017 11:43 am

Image
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

IDKSAF -RubinHighlander

You can surrender without a prayer...

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Corsair
Posts: 3080
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 9:58 am
Location: Phoenix

Re: Hello

Post by Corsair » Sun Aug 13, 2017 3:13 pm

NOMelgänger wrote:
Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:47 pm
He's made me question whether I want to keep pretending, as well. I'm still mulling things over, but I decided if I stay, it isn't going to be on the Brethren's terms. It'll be on my own.
That's pretty much how I stay in the church. I'm the undercover unbeliever and I anticipate the day I have to turn down a calling like "ward mission leader" or "Elders Quorum President". We are glad you found us and look forward to your contributions.

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NOMelgänger
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:52 am

Re: Hello

Post by NOMelgänger » Sun Aug 13, 2017 3:15 pm

Thanks for the welcoming words!
Ghost wrote:
Sun Aug 13, 2017 10:10 am
I am looking forward to seeing that new Twin Peaks series at some point, though I'm not sure what I'll think of it considering that it apparently resembles Fire Walk with Me more than the original series.
It is a gift. The most Lynchian thing ever.

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Hagoth
Posts: 7076
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 1:13 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Hagoth » Sun Aug 13, 2017 5:08 pm

I'm glad you found us Nomelganger!
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

Korihor
Posts: 1239
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:37 am

Re: Hello

Post by Korihor » Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:08 am

Welcome

I saw you posted a bunch on the board before reading your intro. You have taken to this site like a fish in water. It's great to have you here. Sorry about the traumatic family history stuff. But at least it's nice to hear your son is in a safe environment with you.

If you're willing to share, are you in the Morridor or in 'the field?' The Morridor can be very difficult to live a lackadaisical lifestyle regarding the church. Come on here and share/question/vent anytime. I do.
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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NOMelgänger
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:52 am

Re: Hello

Post by NOMelgänger » Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:45 am

Korihor wrote:
Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:08 am
Welcome

I saw you posted a bunch on the board before reading your intro. You have taken to this site like a fish in water. It's great to have you here. Sorry about the traumatic family history stuff. But at least it's nice to hear your son is in a safe environment with you.

If you're willing to share, are you in the Morridor or in 'the field?' The Morridor can be very difficult to live a lackadaisical lifestyle regarding the church. Come on here and share/question/vent anytime. I do.
Firmly entrenched in my foxhole in the Morridor (a new term for me, but I love it). I actually work for the church's ERISA trust that provides medical & dental coverage to church employees & missionaries, etc. Very close to the COB, although I can have facial hair & don't have to wear the uniform.

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No Tof
Posts: 382
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:54 am

Re: Hello

Post by No Tof » Tue Aug 15, 2017 5:55 am

Welcome.
Some of us are more out than in the church but all are welcome in the NOM ward.

The adventure continues. I'm glad your son has a safe place to learn more about his own journey. Tender mercies.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
Rumi

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MoPag
Posts: 3741
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 2:05 pm

Re: Hello

Post by MoPag » Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:57 pm

Welcome to the ward family!

That is awesome that you can be there for your son.
NOMelgänger wrote:
Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:47 pm
I'm still mulling things over, but I decided if I stay, it isn't going to be on the Brethren's terms. It'll be on my own.
This is very empowering. And I think when other people see you doing this, it can empower them to do the same.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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Jinx
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Jinx » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:23 pm

Welcome! The church was very toxic for my son as well, simply because he doesn't fit the masculine stereotype. Leaving was the best thing for him and he thanks me all the time for not making him go through what he sees his friends go through. It's good that you can provide safety and understanding for him.
“This is the best part of the week!” – Homer Simpson
“It’s the longest possible time before more church!” – Lisa Simpson

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Guy
Posts: 53
Joined: Mon May 22, 2017 9:34 am

Re: Hello

Post by Guy » Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:17 pm

Belated welcome. Enjoyed reading your back-story, and can very much relate!

I've been a non-believer since 2008. The first 2 years were very difficult as I too was a fence sitter - not believing but still going to Church for the sake of the family. Trying to maintain that position is not fun and can be detrimental to family relations!

Eventually I told the wife that I was through and refused to go. I was afraid that my move would result in the downfall of our marriage, but it didn't. She's a good woman and believed that our marriage was still important, despite my lack of faith. Of course we had our difficult times, since I was often very antagonistic towards the Church. But she was patient and loving, and we are strong in our love for each other still.

Recently I've started going back to Church (SM only, and only once or twice a month). I am still a staunch non-believer, but I know my going with the family makes her happy. And it helps that I have a ward full of great people who understand my belief and aren't trying to convert me back into a belief status.

Anyway, sending you best wishes for you and your journey!
Happy Dissenter :D

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NOMelgänger
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:52 am

Re: Hello

Post by NOMelgänger » Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:02 pm

Guy wrote:
Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:17 pm
Belated welcome. Enjoyed reading your back-story, and can very much relate!

I've been a non-believer since 2008. The first 2 years were very difficult as I too was a fence sitter - not believing but still going to Church for the sake of the family. Trying to maintain that position is not fun and can be detrimental to family relations!

Eventually I told the wife that I was through and refused to go. I was afraid that my move would result in the downfall of our marriage, but it didn't. She's a good woman and believed that our marriage was still important, despite my lack of faith. Of course we had our difficult times, since I was often very antagonistic towards the Church. But she was patient and loving, and we are strong in our love for each other still.

Recently I've started going back to Church (SM only, and only once or twice a month). I am still a staunch non-believer, but I know my going with the family makes her happy. And it helps that I have a ward full of great people who understand my belief and aren't trying to convert me back into a belief status.

Anyway, sending you best wishes for you and your journey!
Glad to hear your experience has been relatively good!

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MalcolmVillager
Posts: 702
Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 8:01 pm

Re: Hello

Post by MalcolmVillager » Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:51 am

Welcome.

Divorce breaks my heart but I get why it has to happen.

Good luck navigating it all!

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Hermey
Posts: 452
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Hermey » Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:46 am

NOMelgänger wrote:
Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:45 am
Korihor wrote:
Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:08 am
Welcome

I saw you posted a bunch on the board before reading your intro. You have taken to this site like a fish in water. It's great to have you here. Sorry about the traumatic family history stuff. But at least it's nice to hear your son is in a safe environment with you.

If you're willing to share, are you in the Morridor or in 'the field?' The Morridor can be very difficult to live a lackadaisical lifestyle regarding the church. Come on here and share/question/vent anytime. I do.
Firmly entrenched in my foxhole in the Morridor (a new term for me, but I love it). I actually work for the church's ERISA trust that provides medical & dental coverage to church employees & missionaries, etc. Very close to the COB, although I can have facial hair & don't have to wear the uniform.
If I'm correct in what I'm thinking, know that you are not alone there.

Rebel
Posts: 67
Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:09 am

Re: Hello

Post by Rebel » Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:33 pm

Welcome your are in a great place here !!!!!!! Non judgement is the key word here a very accepting group . I have been out of the church since July although I am still getting pressure to return by my TBM wife . Sorry about your divorce that is tough. Welcome once again and I look forward to you posts.
God Bless.

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