A New Name, an Old Friend
Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:21 am
I've been a part of the NOM community since 2010, but never posted an introduction and haven't been a regular poster for years. But I love the community and was so sad and lonely when the old board went down. THANKS THANKS THANKS for resurrecting this place. I'm so happy to have this community back again.
I'm a BIC member, temple married, (was a) SAHM, pioneer stock, etc. etc. As most of you can relate, my entire identity was coiled up in Mormonism. It all fell apart for me about 7 years ago. I had been struggling with depression, and when my intelligent and thoughtful teenage son began to show signs of deep depression, I understood that I had to help myself in order to help him. So I went to work. The traditional methods (medication and talk therapy) had not been helpful so I studied and searched on my own. I found that mormon books on any topic around this subject might have a few helpful pieces, but they always in some way promoted personal shame and unworthiness, and I knew that would only increase my depression. I already felt worthless, useless, unwanted, and of no value. So I searched outside of mormonism, and as I began to find useful and helpful information, I couldn't understand why these things weren't talked about in church, why wasn't a prophet of god addressing these modern day issues. Everyone knows that anti-depressent use is especially high in Utah. So these and other questions began to form in my mind, and one day I allowed myself to ask the unthinkable, "what if there is no 'one and only' true church?"
I physically felt knots untie in my stomach. The relief was immense. Suddenly my mom's part-member family was fine, my wonderful non-mormon boss was fine, humanity was fine. I took it as a spiritual expression that God was saying it was ok for me to move outside of mormonism and continue my progress. I didn't know that the church was wrong, I just knew that it was not for me. I intended to continue attending church for several months until a planned move, but I found that I couldn't tolerate church without believing that it was "true." Things people said grated! As RS Secretary, I felt it was wrong for me to take rolls and turn in the names of adult women who had chosen not to attend a certain number of weeks in a month. The manipulation and control and fear tactics, the guilt and shame, the authoritarianism and arrogance was unbearable. I probably attended another month and then I asked to be released from my 2 callings. All through this process, I discussed everything with my TBM DH. He was supportive of all of my questioning and searching until I found that I didn't believe. Then we could no longer talk reasonably about religion. There was never any threats of divorce over my leaving the church, but it definitely put an additional strain on our marriage.
Several months later we moved 2500 miles away from the little Idaho town and I began to struggle again with deep depression. I tried to attend church in the new area, and while the people were very kind and reached out and befriended our family, I couldn't stand the church experience (I attended activities and made friends though). So one lonely day I got on the computer to see if there was perhaps another person in the whole wide world who had their religion collapse underneath them. I typed, "support for leaving mormonism." And WOW did a world open up. It took me several more months to find NOM and I quickly fell in love with the community and learned everything about the underbelly of mormonism. It was devastating and validating all at the same time. NOM became my community home since that time, and while I am a wallflower type who prefers to watch from the sidelines, belonging in this community means a great deal to me.
When the new NOM board came up I decided to let go of the old identity and start fresh with a new name, which describes me better in this part of my transition out of mormonism. I don't have answers, but I am incredibly grateful to finally be able to ask any questions I want. I don't know where I will go from here, and I am learning to let go of the idea of having any kind of control on this thing called life. I am FreeFallin.
Thanks again for bringing NOM back. <3
I'm a BIC member, temple married, (was a) SAHM, pioneer stock, etc. etc. As most of you can relate, my entire identity was coiled up in Mormonism. It all fell apart for me about 7 years ago. I had been struggling with depression, and when my intelligent and thoughtful teenage son began to show signs of deep depression, I understood that I had to help myself in order to help him. So I went to work. The traditional methods (medication and talk therapy) had not been helpful so I studied and searched on my own. I found that mormon books on any topic around this subject might have a few helpful pieces, but they always in some way promoted personal shame and unworthiness, and I knew that would only increase my depression. I already felt worthless, useless, unwanted, and of no value. So I searched outside of mormonism, and as I began to find useful and helpful information, I couldn't understand why these things weren't talked about in church, why wasn't a prophet of god addressing these modern day issues. Everyone knows that anti-depressent use is especially high in Utah. So these and other questions began to form in my mind, and one day I allowed myself to ask the unthinkable, "what if there is no 'one and only' true church?"
I physically felt knots untie in my stomach. The relief was immense. Suddenly my mom's part-member family was fine, my wonderful non-mormon boss was fine, humanity was fine. I took it as a spiritual expression that God was saying it was ok for me to move outside of mormonism and continue my progress. I didn't know that the church was wrong, I just knew that it was not for me. I intended to continue attending church for several months until a planned move, but I found that I couldn't tolerate church without believing that it was "true." Things people said grated! As RS Secretary, I felt it was wrong for me to take rolls and turn in the names of adult women who had chosen not to attend a certain number of weeks in a month. The manipulation and control and fear tactics, the guilt and shame, the authoritarianism and arrogance was unbearable. I probably attended another month and then I asked to be released from my 2 callings. All through this process, I discussed everything with my TBM DH. He was supportive of all of my questioning and searching until I found that I didn't believe. Then we could no longer talk reasonably about religion. There was never any threats of divorce over my leaving the church, but it definitely put an additional strain on our marriage.
Several months later we moved 2500 miles away from the little Idaho town and I began to struggle again with deep depression. I tried to attend church in the new area, and while the people were very kind and reached out and befriended our family, I couldn't stand the church experience (I attended activities and made friends though). So one lonely day I got on the computer to see if there was perhaps another person in the whole wide world who had their religion collapse underneath them. I typed, "support for leaving mormonism." And WOW did a world open up. It took me several more months to find NOM and I quickly fell in love with the community and learned everything about the underbelly of mormonism. It was devastating and validating all at the same time. NOM became my community home since that time, and while I am a wallflower type who prefers to watch from the sidelines, belonging in this community means a great deal to me.
When the new NOM board came up I decided to let go of the old identity and start fresh with a new name, which describes me better in this part of my transition out of mormonism. I don't have answers, but I am incredibly grateful to finally be able to ask any questions I want. I don't know where I will go from here, and I am learning to let go of the idea of having any kind of control on this thing called life. I am FreeFallin.
Thanks again for bringing NOM back. <3