Hello, I’m new

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Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Tue May 22, 2018 5:58 am

Hi all. I have been lurking for a couple of months and finally decided to be brave and join you all. I was born and raised in Utah, and have never lived anywhere else. DH and I have been married for about 17 years, and have three small children. We were married in the temple, but from the beginning, he was never orthodox. He stopped paying tithing and attending church about a year after we were married. I continued attending and believing for years and brought our children to church with me. All were blessed in the church, and I feel horribly that he “couldn’t” do the ordinances. Only our oldest is of age for baptism, but I decided against it (a year ago) because I didn’t feel like he (child) was ready or understood what it meant. I was still active and believing at the time, but I felt like that was something he wasn’t ready to commit to.

Attending church (by myself) got harder once we had 3 children. Our youngest is now 2, and quite an active child. I slowly decreased activity because it was too draining on me. I had always noticed that when I came home from church, I felt unhappy and emotional (not in a good way), but figured that someday this all would make me happy. I guess I always had things on my shelf, but it’s all been such a long process, that I don’t remember everything.

Around February of this year I read CES letter, and I was disgusted by the things that I learned. I have been reading and researching everything I can find since then, and I am so relieved that I didn’t let my child be baptized. If he wants to choose this later in his life, then that’s something he can do.

I stopped wearing the Gs about a month ago, and I have never felt so guilty and yet free at the same time. I have continued to wear “modest” clothing so as not to out myself. Im not quite ready to do that. Im one of 6 children, and now 3 of us are for sure out. However, the other 2 have never really been in since adulthood, so I am the only one endowed who is no longer in. I’m very worried about how my mom will take all of this, though I’m sure she knows that I no longer attend. For this reason and the fact that I work with mostly lds people, I am taking this part very slowly.

I look forward to getting to know all of you. I’m so glad this site is here.

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wtfluff
Posts: 2001
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:20 pm
Location: Worshiping Gravity / Pulling Taffy

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by wtfluff » Tue May 22, 2018 7:58 am

Image
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

Keep the company of those who seek the truth - run from those who have found it -Václav Havel

Brilliant.

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slavereeno
Posts: 1026
Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:30 am
Location: QC, AZ

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by slavereeno » Tue May 22, 2018 8:31 am

Welcome Somegirl! Thanks for sharing your story. I haven't been able to even wrap my head around telling my parents yet.

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IT_Veteran
Posts: 547
Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:36 pm
Location: California

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by IT_Veteran » Tue May 22, 2018 8:36 am

Welcome! Glad you found us too. It can be a difficult process to navigate your way out of the church, but it's very worthwhile.

Cadahangel
Posts: 50
Joined: Mon May 14, 2018 1:10 pm

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Cadahangel » Tue May 22, 2018 8:51 am

Glad you found us indeed. I understand the Parents thing still haven't told them. I worry about their relationship with our kids deteriorating. Welcome we will support you from here.

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moksha
Posts: 2338
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:22 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by moksha » Tue May 22, 2018 9:13 am

Welcome, Somegirl. This is a good place to get a handle on how to cope with such situations.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Corsair
Posts: 2485
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 9:58 am
Location: Phoenix

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Corsair » Tue May 22, 2018 10:56 am

Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 5:58 am
I’m very worried about how my mom will take all of this, though I’m sure she knows that I no longer attend.
We are glad you found your way to us. "Not making your mother cry" is a common reason for many of us to stick with the church as an undercover unbeliever. I'm still doing that and I simply adjusted my practice to be the kind of Mormon I could tolerate being.

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Tue May 22, 2018 7:05 pm

Thanks all for the welcome. This change in belief has been an even bigger deal than marriage, college, jobs and having kids. I have never felt such a need for support as now. Maybe it’s because in our culture people can be supportive with almost everything else. But not having the same belief system in “the one true church” causes so much pain to others. It’s so hard when you have been able to go to family members for everything else and then suddenly you can’t anymore. I know I’m not responsible for anyone else’s emotions, but it’s very hard to let go of that feeling that I’ll absoluteky devestate nearly everyone I know. I am sure it’s because of the way I was raised to have a guilty conscience. Anyway, I’m so glad to have found you all, and I’m sure I will learn so much from you.

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Tue May 22, 2018 7:08 pm

Cadahangel wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 8:51 am
Glad you found us indeed. I understand the Parents thing still haven't told them. I worry about their relationship with our kids deteriorating. Welcome we will support you from here.
I surely hope that doesn’t happen with your parents and kids’ relationships. That would be awful. :cry:

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IT_Veteran
Posts: 547
Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:36 pm
Location: California

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by IT_Veteran » Tue May 22, 2018 7:10 pm

I think you really got to the heart of something a lot of us struggle with. For me, knowing how it would hurt others really kept me in the church longer than I was comfortable with. Thinking this was going to possibly destroy relationships really hurts.

And, to be honest, it does change relationships in ways we can’t predict. My relationship with my wife is stronger and more emotionally connected. My relationship with my FIL however, has taken pretty much the exact turn I assumed it would (angry).

I posted a few days ago about how it’s become a trigger for my mom’s anxiety. I realize intellectually that’s not my responsibility, but the effect is the same. It hurts.

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Tue May 22, 2018 7:13 pm

slavereeno wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 8:31 am
Welcome Somegirl! Thanks for sharing your story. I haven't been able to even wrap my head around telling my parents yet.
Thank you Slavereeno. You will have to update if and when you do. I feel so obligated to make sure my moms mental health stays good, so I just can’t figure out what to do. We were considering moving closer to family (we live about 2-3 hours away), and my mom really wanted us to move into their ward. There’s no way I want to do that at this point. So, I think we will stay put for now.

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Tue May 22, 2018 7:17 pm

IT_Veteran wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 7:10 pm
I think you really got to the heart of something a lot of us struggle with. For me, knowing how it would hurt others really kept me in the church longer than I was comfortable with. Thinking this was going to possibly destroy relationships really hurts.

And, to be honest, it does change relationships in ways we can’t predict. My relationship with my wife is stronger and more emotionally connected. My relationship with my FIL however, has taken pretty much the exact turn I assumed it would (angry).

I posted a few days ago about how it’s become a trigger for my mom’s anxiety. I realize intellectually that’s not my responsibility, but the effect is the same. It hurts.
It_veteran, I read your post about your mom and it really resonated with me. Yours was one of the posts that convinced me to create an account. I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through that - and on both sides of your family. It’s so sad that this church claims to be so focused on families, and yet it tears them apart if somebody isn’t doing what they are “supposed” to be doing.

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IT_Veteran
Posts: 547
Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:36 pm
Location: California

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by IT_Veteran » Tue May 22, 2018 8:10 pm

Thank you, I’m glad that it helped. It helps me to write, I find it cathartic. As a result, many of my comments and posts end up longer than they should.

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græy
Posts: 320
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2016 2:52 pm

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by græy » Thu May 24, 2018 8:23 am

I'm a bit late here, but I wanted to welcome you to the group Somegirl.

You're right about needing support for this type of life-event. Everything else I've been through I could count on friends, my wife, my family. But in this, all bets are off. It affects everyone so differently. I had some people basically shrug it off and proceed as normal. Others treat it like the end of the world.

Either way, you're among friends here.
I'm better than dirt... well most dirt. Not that fancy store bought stuff, I can't compete with that... full of nutrients and everything. -Moe Sizlack

Cnsl1
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:27 pm

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Cnsl1 » Thu May 24, 2018 8:26 am

Something to keep in mind with parents...

For most of us, our parents love us unconditionally and want us to be happy. They may believe the best way or only way to true happiness is through the church and gospel, but they still love us. Have you considered asking them the questions that have bothered you? Get their take on these various problems? Ask them what they think of the essays? They may not be aware of them.

Everyone is different, I understand. When I disclosed to my parents about my growing disaffection, nothing changed in my relationship with them. When my wife disclosed a little of her disaffection to her family, she got immediate resistance and argument... and some head in the sand "don't wanna know" behavior. Through time, however, staying connected with family helps show them you're still happy, if not happier. You're still a good person, a good parent, etc. Often, especially within the Mormon bubble communities, we don't have models of happy, healthy, successful living that's not within the church. It's either active and happy, or fallen and miserable. Also, I've seen parents who pride themselves and judge their worth on the activity level and church status of their children. So, those parents can have a great deal of difficulty dealing with a child's disaffection from church because it affects their social status, or perceived social status. Still, most parents won't disown you. I'd suggest consider being cautiously honest. Ask them the questions that bothered you. Share the essays, so they understand you're not being tainted by "anti Mormon literature". Ask them how THEY process these historical or social difficulties.

Maybe this will help them be better parents?

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GoodBoy
Posts: 407
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2016 8:32 pm

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by GoodBoy » Thu May 24, 2018 10:52 am

Welcome! This is a good place to come to remind yourself that you aren't crazy and the church really isn't true! But we can be respectful of others and kind.
Always been the good kid, but I wanted to know more, and to find and test truth.

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whatififly
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:41 pm

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by whatififly » Sun May 27, 2018 9:19 pm

Welcome! My story is very similar to yours. I also felt emotional and unhappy after attending church, then later found disgusting and disturbing information about the church that I once was so unbendingly loyal to. I'm glad you're here, I hope that it can give you a place to vent and talk about your emotions as you go through this transition. It's a difficult place to be in but letting go of the chains put on by the church is truly amazing. Good luck in your journey!
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” ― Erin Hanson

Proud Doubter of Dubious Doctrines

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Mon May 28, 2018 10:56 pm

slavereeno wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 8:31 am
Welcome Somegirl! Thanks for sharing your story. I haven't been able to even wrap my head around telling my parents yet.
I haven’t had a chance to read through everyone’s intros, so I’m not sure... but how long have you been going through your transition? How close does your family live in proximity to you? I talk to my mom on the phone a few times per week, and we probably see each other once every couple of months. She will ask me about church sometimes, or just tell me all about her calling and how wonderful it is.

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Mon May 28, 2018 11:10 pm

Cnsl1 wrote:
Thu May 24, 2018 8:26 am
Something to keep in mind with parents...

For most of us, our parents love us unconditionally and want us to be happy. They may believe the best way or only way to true happiness is through the church and gospel, but they still love us. Have you considered asking them the questions that have bothered you? Get their take on these various problems? Ask them what they think of the essays? They may not be aware of them.

Everyone is different, I understand. When I disclosed to my parents about my growing disaffection, nothing changed in my relationship with them. When my wife disclosed a little of her disaffection to her family, she got immediate resistance and argument... and some head in the sand "don't wanna know" behavior. Through time, however, staying connected with family helps show them you're still happy, if not happier. You're still a good person, a good parent, etc. Often, especially within the Mormon bubble communities, we don't have models of happy, healthy, successful living that's not within the church. It's either active and happy, or fallen and miserable. Also, I've seen parents who pride themselves and judge their worth on the activity level and church status of their children. So, those parents can have a great deal of difficulty dealing with a child's disaffection from church because it affects their social status, or perceived social status. Still, most parents won't disown you. I'd suggest consider being cautiously honest. Ask them the questions that bothered you. Share the essays, so they understand you're not being tainted by "anti Mormon literature". Ask them how THEY process these historical or social difficulties.

Maybe this will help them be better parents?
You have some great suggestions, thank you! The problem is that my parents are very different from each other. My dad has been in some high leadership positions, including being a BP of a singles ward. He does a lot of studying of church histories and biographies, but I’m not sure if he has studied the essays as he has never brought them up to me before. He is great about being loving and supportive of everyone while knowing that we are each going to make our own choices. He has some siblings that are very not lds, and both of my parents love them and talk about how great of people they are all the time.

My mom is a much more emotional “bury her head in the sand” kind of person, and she’s like that with everything - not just church issues. I am nearly 100% positive that my parents will still love and accept me, and won’t disown me or my family, but I just hate to be the one to contribute to my mom “going crazy”. I really do know that it’s not my fault how she takes things, but I just have always had that kind of personality that says just go along to get along. Anxiety runs very strong in my family, and I’m worried that my mom won’t be able to take my unbelief well. It’s definitely a “me” problem, and I just need to figure out how to get rid of the guilty conscience that I have always had. :(

Somegirl
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: Hello, I’m new

Post by Somegirl » Mon May 28, 2018 11:15 pm

Corsair wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 10:56 am
Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 5:58 am
I’m very worried about how my mom will take all of this, though I’m sure she knows that I no longer attend.
We are glad you found your way to us. "Not making your mother cry" is a common reason for many of us to stick with the church as an undercover unbeliever. I'm still doing that and I simply adjusted my practice to be the kind of Mormon I could tolerate being.
I have read some of your posts and comments, and I think it’s great how you can make everything work for you. I sincerely wish I could figure that out, and sooner, rather than later.

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