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Moving on?

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:00 pm
by LaMachina
This might be a weird place to post this but it seemed the right spot to me. I don't know if I ever did an introduction on the new NOM...

I've been part of this community a long time now. I've never been a prolific poster but, including old NOM, I believe I've been around for close to a decade. I believe I signed onto NOM around 2010 (different username) and lurked for about a year before that. Life has changed alot lately and I feel like I'm probably ready to move on but maybe I should give one final send off. Besides, I always wonder what happens to those who just fade away without a goodbye. This is pretty much just therapy for me, feel free to read on or not.

This past year has mother died a number of months ago now. It was sudden and unexpected. My father passed over a decade ago. I'm not young anymore but I'm not 'old' either. I've described it as feeling untethered, unanchored, having lost my parents. I know it likely always feels that least based on conversations I've had...but that feeling has hit me hard. My kids were very young when my dad died. I think it affected them in some ways not quite obvious...but telling them their grandma had died was one of the hardest things I've ever done. They were the best TBMs you could ever hope for.

There have been other slings and arrows along the way. The economy sucks, my particular field has been hit hard. We suffered a particularly painful financial setback about a year ago now. None of it is devastating and we count ourselves lucky in many ways but it still hurts.

My extended family is fractured. There are deep wounds that don't directly deal with anything church related. And yet the church without question does add a nice thick layer of dysfunction. A portion is TBM, a portion is not. We seem to have all retreated to our corners with no intention of dealing with each other much again. I barely heard from them over the holidays although to be fair, I didn't make much effort either. A recent big event for someone we felt close to came and went with no invitation (and nope, it wasn't a temple wedding...turns out ex-members can be pretty exclusionary as well).

We've had friends abandon us. We've had previous acquaintances become very uncomfortable in our presence. Of course we've been subject to the typical gossip.

If I were of a different and previous mindset, I would swear someone divine was punishing me.

But of course it's not all bad or even mostly bad.

Thankfully my wife and kids are truly awesome and we've been largely of the same mind on this journey. We've had new friends become part of our lives. There are still plenty of people in the church who are wonderful. I've had opportunities to volunteer in areas that have been much more fulfilling then any church callings.

Yet we still don't feel like we exactly fit in anywhere. We are outsiders, square pegs, the proverbial black sheep.

I even made efforts recently to get more involved in the social aspect of church again for the sake of my kids. It was a big, huge failure. By this point I've had a lot of experience with social anxiety and autistic type behavior. But damn if the Mormon church doesn't seem to produce some of the most socially awkward people I've ever seen...could explain some of my problems...

I couldn't even keep the JWs from giving up on me. They were coming around for a while there and I humored them as I know what it's like to peddle religion. Tried a lot of the Socratic method with them. Never abrasive but trying to ask real questions. And they stopped coming!! Honestly I find it hilarious when I don't think on it too deeply.

But life is hard. I don't just mean is hard for everyone. I don't fault anyone for putting some stock in something that makes it a little more bearable for them. I'm pretty atheistic but a part of me hopes my parents get to peek in on their grandkids...a part me hopes to see them again, if only with my 'spiritual eyes'. I regret not having certain conversations with my parents, either through circumstance or my own stubbornness.

Anyways, I don't know if I'll ever post here again so...keep standing up for what's true and good all you NOMites...but don't lose your empathy for those walking the path we once did or judge them too harshly for how they try and deal with this truly awful and wonderful existence.

If any of you live in the neighborhood (south of Calgary Canada) or are ever passing through one day, feel free to call in. Peace

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:49 pm
by græy
It is good to hear from you LaMachina. Thank you for not leaving us in the dark about your (proabable?) disappearance. I totally get the square peg in round hole analogy. I just don't fit in with most of my non-member friends, as badly as I want to. And my member friends? Well, they're church friends, for what that's worth.

I hope to hear from you again someday. I wish you and your family all the best!

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:47 pm
by Linked
Thanks for posting a farewell LaMachina. Congratulations on graduating from NOM! I hope to join you one day, but it will not be soon.

Sorry this has been a rough year for you. It sounds like your immediate family has stayed close through it all, that is great. I go in and out of feeling like my relationships with the TBMs in my life are good and bad. I mentioned to my wife one day when I was feeling low that I didn't feel like I fit anywhere anymore, and she said, "well, you fit here." It was sweet.

Best of luck in your journeys!

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:59 pm
by Ghost
It's nice to see your update, LaMachina. I can sympathize with your feeling of not fitting any anywhere, and also with your experience of losing family members. Good luck if you return to read this thread, or even if you decide to post again one day.

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:29 am
by Red Ryder
Glad to hear an update! I wish more people would do this before fading into the NOM history books. Maybe we should start a "Goodbye, Farewell, See ya Later" mega thread that people can come back to on occasion to post life updates. Anyway...

I've enjoyed our interactions on the old board and here too.

Hope you can find peace with your parents death. I haven't crossed that path yet but fear that their eventual death might trigger similar emotions that I haven't come to terms with from an unbelieving point of view.

May you find peace and greener pastures in the future!

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:58 pm
by Corsair
LaMachina wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:00 pm
Anyways, I don't know if I'll ever post here again so...keep standing up for what's true and good all you NOMites...but don't lose your empathy for those walking the path we once did or judge them too harshly for how they try and deal with this truly awful and wonderful existence.
I feel some righteous envy that you are finding it best to move onto something new. People are welcome to stick around for as long as they want, of course. But I'm actually gratified to hear that someone is simply putting something behind them and moving somewhere new. You have always had delightful insight and commentary and I can only imagine the friends and family that will continue to be enlightened by your presence. I'm happy simply knowing that good people like you are out there.

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:38 pm
by MoPag
Hugs LaMachina!!!
Thank you for all you've shared with us on NOM. You will always be apart of our NOM ward family. Good look on your new adventure!!!!

Re: Moving on?

Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:24 am
by Hagoth
I have always appreciated your insights, LaMachina. I hope your graduation from NOM will be a glorious new path. Happy trails! (note: one of the nice things about leaving a place voluntarily is that you know the latch is out if you ever want to stop by and rest your feet).