NOM

I was referred here by a friend in my ward who reached out after I shared some of my struggles with the church.

I was born in the church, went to BYU, married in the temple, and have six children ages 4 to 17. I am still active but not sure anymore if the church is true. I want to believe it is, but it’s becoming less and less likely as I learn things I was never taught before. I can see a noticed shift in how the church talks about and responds to members with questions. My husband is in the bishopric and talks to me about the people in our ward that are having a faith crisis. One person in particular is ready to quit but only pretends for his wife. I am friends with her and she struggles but doesn’t want to give up her friends and hurt her family. I reached out to understand and she said she didn’t think Joseph Smith was really commanded by God to follow polygamy. I didn’t know what she meant as I thought Emma was his only wife. I was shocked to learn that some wives were teenagers. My friend who referred me here also suggested listening to the year of polygamy podcast.

I’m afraid to follow down into this because the church has been my whole life. It means everything to me to be a good mother to my children and wife to my husband. I’m scared this will destroy my marriage and relationship with my ward members who I love dearly. My friend seems depressed and has lost interest in friendships with church members. I don’t want to lose that either but I need to know if the church isn’t what it claims to be.

I don’t know how to bring this up to my husband because he may feel it’s his fault for telling me about my friend and her husband. I don’t want him to worry about me. Any advice would be appreciated.

Penny

Welcome to NOM Penny! I hope we can provide a place for you to express things you feel you can't with others, and thoughtful comments about your situation and other topics. I

You describe the beginning of a tough situation. It is one many here are familiar with. I don't know if you will be able to become unshocked by the polygamy of Joseph Smith, even if you want to. May I recommend letting your husband in on how you are feeling as soon as you feel you can? That will allow you to honestly discover this stuff together. You are at your most vulnerable now, and showing that vulnerability could help prevent a huge wedge from coming between you and him. Since you still haven't dug too deep or made many firm opinions you could probably just tell him what you have discovered and that it has shocked you. He may feel it is his fault and he may worry, but it is probably better for him to hear it sooner than later. I didn't tell my wife until I was partly set in my thinking and she stumbled on an email I had sent about feeling like the church wasn't true. The damage to our relationship is still felt 4 years later. With that said, she is fully believing and we are still together and our two kids are happy, so it hasn't destroyed my family.

You mentioned that you are "not sure anymore if the church is true." That can be a tipping point, going from "The church is true." to "Is the church true?" is a seismic shift in one's worldview. In some ways it can be freeing to just say "I don't know" about stuff, and see where things go.

Unless you are ready to walk away from relationships with some believers be careful who you share how you are feeling with. Many believers treat you differently once they know you don't feel the same way. I explicitly told my family I am not an orthodox believer and our relationships are weird now; whereas I haven't said anything to my inlaws or ward and those relationships continue normally. Someday I hope to be more open, but for now it is important to my wife to keep those relationships normal and I think that is more important (it's different for everyone).

There are some great women on here who will hopefully share more from a woman's perspective.

Welcome. Come on in, the water is warm. As you learn new information, it’s really going to piss you off. That’s normal and you’re gonna be okay.

Start here.... https://www.ldsdiscussions.com/

Penny Nickel Dime wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:16 am

I was referred here by a friend in my ward who reached out after I shared some of my struggles with the church.

I was born in the church, went to BYU, married in the temple, and have six children ages 4 to 17. I am still active but not sure anymore if the church is true. I want to believe it is, but it’s becoming less and less likely as I learn things I was never taught before. I can see a noticed shift in how the church talks about and responds to members with questions. My husband is in the bishopric and talks to me about the people in our ward that are having a faith crisis. One person in particular is ready to quit but only pretends for his wife. I am friends with her and she struggles but doesn’t want to give up her friends and hurt her family. I reached out to understand and she said she didn’t think Joseph Smith was really commanded by God to follow polygamy. I didn’t know what she meant as I thought Emma was his only wife. I was shocked to learn that some wives were teenagers. My friend who referred me here also suggested listening to the year of polygamy podcast.

I’m afraid to follow down into this because the church has been my whole life. It means everything to me to be a good mother to my children and wife to my husband. I’m scared this will destroy my marriage and relationship with my ward members who I love dearly. My friend seems depressed and has lost interest in friendships with church members. I don’t want to lose that either but I need to know if the church isn’t what it claims to be.

I don’t know how to bring this up to my husband because he may feel it’s his fault for telling me about my friend and her husband. I don’t want him to worry about me. Any advice would be appreciated.

Penny

Hi and welcome! This is a good place where people are kind and know lots about the information that's out there. Good luck!

Penny Nickel Dime wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:16 am

I don’t know how to bring this up to my husband because he may feel it’s his fault for telling me about my friend and her husband. I don’t want him to worry about me. Any advice would be appreciated.

There are a lot of mixed faith marriages on this forum. Let me assure you that all of us made mistakes in how we let our spouses know of our personal faith transition. It's not easy. If it was, it would happen a lot more.

A few half-hearted articles in the Ensign have pointed out the safest faithful way to deal with an unbelieving spouse. You have to simply love them without reservation or requirement. I have quietly hoped that some apostle would talk about this in general conference. There is a scripture in support of this in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 and I think it is negligent that I have never found this reference in an LDS lesson manual:

St. Paul wrote: 12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

I have so little faith in the institutional church that they will change their tune on apostasy. It's not healthy and the frustration is magnified whenever I see articles and books from apologists admitting that the apostasy narrative in the church is harmful. Seventies and Apostles are rarely involved in publicly talking about the problems or the solutions.

So, let me recommend one path forward. Take one topic that is a problem. Ask your husband to listen to the issue and ask him how he processes it. Let him talk and don't correct him. Faith transitions are personal struggles that must happen in the mind and heart of a person in their own pondering.

Luckily, the new Gospel Topic Essays as a good place to start. They are published by the church and I recommend choosing one and studying it in detail, including footnotes, with your husband. Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo is a really good one and is filled with loads of dangerous, church-sourced details.

We're all pulling for you. This is not easy, but I could not go back to how it used to be.

Welcome to the ward family!! We have been where you are and we can help you get to a better place. Have you checked out any of the Feminist Mormon spaces?

https://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/

http://exponentii.org/

They can be a helpful space when you are in the early stages. They were for me at least.

You are not alone!