I chose Abinadied as my user name very purposefully. Abinadi was by far my favorite BofM character. In fact, from the time I was a small child, I was quite mesmerized with Arnold Frieberg’s interpretation of him. I have viewed his depiction of a frail old man (from the neck up at least – seems to be propotionally over built below the neck) as a profound representation of the power of wisdom that comes with age. For me, when my shelf came crashing down, Abinadi died in a very powerful way and not at the hands of King Noah et al. He didn’t pass away into exaltation but rather passed from truth to fiction. He represents my transformation from believing (really nothing more than hoping) the church was true, to discovering it’s doctrines were covered in duct tape after being patched up. I cannot see the Book of Mormon as anything more than a book of fiction comparable to the Lord of the Rings trilogy which, to my knowledge, has never been claimed to be the Word of God.
My story is similar to others. Grew up all in. In my youth, I served in Aaronic Priesthood presidencies and as Seminary president. I sowed some oats for a couple of years until I discovered all my oat-friends were on missions so I decided to repent and do the same. I married in the temple, over-lorded the Young Mens program for over 20 years, including Stake YM first councilor and then Stake YM president. I also served as a Stake mission prep teacher, first councilor in bishopric, gospel doctrine teacher, and recently, a very short cameo on the High Council. I say cameo simply because it felt more like an emeritus appointment to thank me for my life-long contribution by making me a jr. member of the council. I say short because in 4 months I only attended 1 meeting before dropping an email to the Stake President requesting a release which he graciously accepted without further questions. I’m very grateful he was so respectful.
How do I feel about all this? I apologize as I may wax poetic in my description. It’s just the way I like to express powerful emotions like say . . . trauma (I know trauma is not an emotion so don’t call me on it - I just feel like the word describes so deeply what I’m going through).
Most of the time, I feel my most sacred trust has been broken by those who should have been last to break it. Like most of those transitioning out, I cannot unsee that breach. I feel as though the brethren knowingly shut the windows of Heaven on me. For many years now, I felt as a moth drawn to the flame beyond the glass, bouncing off the window pains (misspelled on purpose) trying to reach the light all the while getting pretty worn out and beaten up. Then the light revealed itself once I began to look past it and I saw that the light source was rather odd. It wasn’t the glorious, everlasting glow of the Celestial Kingdom I was expecting to see, but seemed rather more like some guys dressed in suits shining a flashlight in my eyes blinding me to everything else. Once it became clear that what I was seeing seemed more real than what I had always been taught, I braced myself for a collision for there was nothing I wanted more than to break through the glass and confront these guys. Truly, I felt violated by those I trusted most – not the locals, but the corporate execs and leadership at the head of the church.
I also began to recognize that the doctrine of agency that I feel was so repeatedly force fed members my whole life was stripped away from me. As I recall, losing my agency started in primary where I was ‘encouraged’ to bear my testimony starting with, “I know the church is true.” I did not know that. So. Every time I publicly prayed, bore testimony, pronounced blessings, taught lessons, I was felt I was lying. I got quite used to it and thought it was what we were supposed to do. What I do know now is this repetition salted-with the peer pressure, from family, friends, and leadership shaped my agency to better fit the churches agenda, not mine. Sorry if you are a believing member – it’s just the way I see it now – I truly admire and respect your ability to find a way to stay connected to the church - even spiritually connected. I feel like agency is offered under very strict controls. The message seems loud and clear, if you don’t choose the church, you may find yourself sacrificing family members, friends, and basically, (where I live), everybody I know. Are we free to choose? It doesn’t seem so. Truly, who wouldn’t fight or fake it to be with those they love? It seems like a pretty high ransom to pay. For so many years I stayed for that reason alone, parking everything on the shelf until the shelf came crashing down. Everything I parked up there was pretty heavy and I happened to be standing right under it when broke. It hurt like a bugger. Still does every time I think of it.
A big crack in my shelf were the church essays. I’ve been following apologists for years hoping but never finding adequate answers to what looked to be very big doctrinal mishaps. So I started digging. The CES letter brought me to my knees (nope – not in an attitude of prayer – I was way too angry for that, then.) I’ve calmed down and accepted it for what it is and am very grateful for a lot of good folks and the church for providing a great place with high moral, ethical (I’m stretching a bit here), and socially rich components for my family to grow in. Sure wished I could have chose it myself and family rather than feeling it was imposed on me without room for the slightest deviation. At least that’s been my experience. My wife came home just yesterday from church and said the RS teacher expounded on the concept that there can be no fence sitters in this church. You are either all in or out. But aren't we are all fence sitters to some degree? I see it that way as I think there are very few members who don’t say, “That will all be sorted out in the spirit-world . . .” indicating at least to me, that there are doctrines and history that just doesn’t make sense no matter how we parse it. It was my go-to phrase for most of my adult life in the church. I doubt I’m certainly not alone in thinking we all have doubts whether we publically admit it or not (does that sound like I'm doubting my doubts? Weird).
As it stands, I have flown away from the windows of Heaven in my own way. I have stopped attending my meetings, asked and was granted an exit from High Council, no longer home teach or accept callings, and I don’t pay tithing. Mostly, I can’t face the members, many of whom have had my hands placed on their heads offering up blessings of health, hope, and countless rewards from Heavenly Father (whom I pretended I was speaking for). Currently, they think I am on ‘sick’ leave with some health issues (partial truth – something I learned how to do from the church
I’m at a place where I cannot continue the pretense. If I lose family members, (my own brothers and sisters, precious Mom, and countless relatives), then I guess that is my lot in life for I can see no way forward but to sever my connection and hope for the best. It seems a radical move but the thought of walking into the chapel and hearing and seeing the members I love still blindly (in my view) drinking from the fountain of strict and unwavering obedience, I just cannot set foot in what used to feel so much like home. Damn. I'm in a tight spot. Luckily, most of my kids and their spouses have moved away from activity and my wife (who still attends) and I are very much on the same page so I have it much easier than many. I am now looking to replace that which I expect to lose in the next few weeks as I’m going to be publicly (at least to the Bishop) declaring what I’m going through. I’m reaching out for support to replace some very acute emptiness. It’s is how I landed here. This is the first time I’ve commented on any forum or podcast, but feel a need to do more than just read about or listen to what so many like me are saying and feeling. I hunger for a new, more accepting connection and new friends. A humble thanks to all and I look forward to getting to know you better.
