Greetings from a Lurker

[NewLight]

Hi all,

I have been lurking around this forum on and off for several years now and have enjoyed the support and humor as my faith has been changing and I will say even maturing at this point. The source of this change is two faceted – first I have a nephew who is gay and I saw how he was treated inside the church. He was a young man who wanted nothing more than to do everything right, but it simply wasn't to be – his is one of many sad stories that exist in that part of our population.

The second part of my change has to do with our history and the church cover up. Four years ago, I was team teaching the 10 year old primary class with a guy who worked graves and went to college full time and it was difficult for him to put much time into the lessons. A number of Sundays, he would be preparing the lesson in opening exercises. I remembered my own experience at that period of my life decades ago and knew how little free time he had. I offered to teach every week so he could give more attention to school and family.


I loved teaching Primary and wanted to do a good job on the lessons on such an important topic – church history. Week after week, I would read through them and wonder what other materials I could find on the Internet to make them more engaging for the kids. Well, we all know where Internet searches go and LDS history go – to the truth! I found myself getting pretty angry at this time period when I realized that EVERY lesson was completely whitewashed. I tried to adjust to more of the truth, keeping in mind that I was teaching kids and Joseph Smith's polyandry probably wasn't appropriate to bring up. Needless to say, I felt VERY betrayed by MY church – why did the leaders do so much to lie and deceive me? Aren't I loyal enough to the church to be told the truth??

As I learned and changed over these last years, I initially thought I could be a catalyst for helping others learn the truth of our history and how to love others that may not be like us Mormons. But in all honesty, I am tiring of all this. The sad fact is that I am the mosquito and the corporate church is the 800 pound gorilla that is going to do what it wants at the cost of expendable people like me. It has a huge ego that says it can never be wrong and it constantly spins its PR web in such a way at to keep people “committed” and show itself in the most favorable light. Sorry to be so negative, but that is just my observation over this time period and the spin and dishonesty are nauseating any more. It disgusts me that the same manual is being used to teach history in primary this year as the one I used that was copyrighted ages ago and is nothing short of dishonest.

At the same time I am ranting here, I love so many of the people in the church on the local level. They are kind and thoughtful and care about their families and others around them. I am touched by their efforts to live Christlike lives.

Throughout my life, and I am now in my fifties, I have served in many callings, including a counselor in the bishopric. Even though I have been very active, I always kind of maintained a little bit of a liberal, non-conformist attitude to my being opting to attend the University of Utah and not BYU as their standards back then (and at present) are too controlling. At present, I attend only sacrament meeting and last month asked to be released from all callings, including home teaching. Wife is on the same page, though she is an advisor in young women and I enjoy that she can teach lessons to the Laurels that focus on broader views and being accepting of all God's children.

My adult children are pretty much out, as are my siblings, so there is little keeping me tethered to the church any more. I stay because I like the people in my ward/area that we have been in for nearly twenty years, but when the time arrives that we move, I doubt we will do much to find and attend an LDS ward. We have talked about moving closer to our children down in Utah County in the years ahead and maybe at that time we'll all look for an accepting church we can attend together as we are a close family.

Thanks for your contributions to this forum!

[Corsair]

Hello, NewLight! I entirely agree with your feelings on the local level.

At the same time I am ranting here, I love so many of the people in the church on the local level. They are kind and thoughtful and care about their families and others around them. I am touched by their efforts to live Christlike lives.

I have lived in the same ward for several years and I am surrounded by good people that simply want to live good lives and serve each other. They don't want to bother anyone and have their own family and career goals that largely align with what the church wants. All too often we hear that "the church is perfect, but the people aren't." This is misguided in a deeply pernicious way. The people in my ward are living decent, Christian lives and should be candidates for joy in Heaven with God under the requirements of basic Christianity. It's the framework of the LDS church that hinders as much as helps their spiritual maturity.

Thanks for showing up on this forum. It's great to hear from people who have served in leadership callings since your advice and experience truly reflects how the LDS church works on the local level.

[Silver Girl]

Welcome, NewLight! It's interesting that you and your wife are so far out the door, and yet still attending somewhat. The YW in your ward are very fortunate to have DW's influence - that is a scarce benefit in the church.

I think almost everyone here feels as you do about the majority of the people we've met at the local level. They are still good friends, for which I am thankful. I don't live in Utah, so that's probably one reason I wasn't shunned when I resigned.

Please join our discussions - the new NOM site is still forming and growing, and we welcome all voices.

[MoPag]

Welcome NewLight! This is a great place to vent about the 800 pound gorilla that has impacted all of our lives.

I used to try and find extra stuff online to supplement my primary lessons too. Oh the stuff I found. I still can't believe not one prophet, seer or revelator didn't see the dangers of the internet and warn us all to stay away from it.

[Abinidied]

Welcome NewLight! I just joined myself so pretty new at this but thought I'd say 'Hi' pretending to be a seasoned pro.

Sounds like we've soldiered pretty similar stories and ended up in very similar circumstances with our kids and spouse support, at close to the same age. I too feel betrayed and have some very BIG questions I'd like answered by any of the Brass Brethren (sorry if that's too insulting) while cinching up their windsor knots a knock or two to help them spit out what I think they actually know. Alas, I'm with you - I'm really getting tired of the 'good fight' as I've been completely absorbed for the past couple of years searching for that place where I could say beyond a shadow of a doubt, this church is not true.

BTW I love this:

The sad fact is that I am the mosquito and the corporate church is the 800 pound gorilla that is going to do what it wants at the cost of expendable people like me.

Given your clear sacrifice including cash for the institution called church, you would think that they would throw some kind of retirement gig at us for our life-long service instead of discarding us as if we were wadded up pieces of paper unworthy of a proper receptacle. Thankfully, I can already tell this place is warm, safe and what I need right now. Hope you feel the same.

I'm inspired by your journey and look forward to what you have to say.

[NewLight]

Thanks for the welcome and your kind remarks - it is good to step out from behind the shadows and know of people like me. I have been pretty guarded about telling people in the ward any detail of why I have arrived where I am now. It was actually kind of sad last month when a counselor in the bishopric came by to release me from Sunday School Presidency and he kind of said, "well, we hope you will keep coming out to sacrament meeting". You just don't want to rock anyone's world when things are going well for them and their family. Still, a part of me screams with desire for making the truth of what I have learned known by those around me. Guess that's human nature.

Now, about retirement from actively towing the line and doing what the church always wants you to... this poster came to mind: https://despair.com/products/retirement

[Abinidied]

Now, about retirement from actively towing the line and doing what the church always wants you to... this poster came to mind: https://despair.com/products/retirement

Perfect! Think I'll order one for the foyer bulletin board in the church

[AzCommando]

The sad fact is that I am the mosquito and the corporate church is the 800 pound gorilla that is going to do what it wants at the cost of expendable people like me.

!

Great to see you here. Great Post as well and I enjoyed.

Well, what you say is true. We enjoy poking the 800 lb gorilla with many sharp sticks.