Seeking an Outlet / Support

[a1986]

Hi Everyone,

I am brand new to this website and forum, just wanted to say hello. A bit about where I am now in my "transition." I'm just starting out. I was baptized in 2014 after having missionaries come off and on for about 2 years. My husband is a member, though not active currently. He still believes in the church for the most part, but is not really comfortable talking to me about the specifics of what he believes / doesn't agree with despite my attempts to engage him. Hence why I came here! It's hard, and I've considered seeking counseling just to have someone to talk to about what I'm going through. My husband and I have also discussed seeking counseling together. Most of our friends are members and my husband has family up here who are also LDS. I've grown a deep appreciation of what it means to truly be alone and not to have anyone to open up to over the past year--not necessarily a bad thing.

I have always questioned certain things in the church--I've always considered myself someone who believes men and woman are equal and no one has been inherently given power over anyone else. I believe no one has the right to tell homosexuals they can't marry, I'm a very open-minded person and try to embrace everyone no matter his / her background / history / past. I've never related to typical gender roles presented as the "ideal" in the church and from the beginning felt I didn't belong. I've attended many social gatherings where the men and women were separated for some reason and I usually ended up feeling like I wanted to hide in a closet. I've never been someone interested in having kids. Over time, I've warmed up to the idea and I do enjoy kids, I'm just not the typical "mommy" type of woman. I have always been more interested in career, I like sports and being physically active--things that are sometimes thought of as more typically "male" or "masculine." Anyway, a lot of who I am and what I'm interested in does not mesh with the typical model of what a mormon woman looks like in the church. I thought maybe I could pave my own way.

Fast forward to last December--my husband and I had taken "temple prep" classes which felt really vague and I left feeling more confused than enlightened. I felt a bit pressured / coaxed into getting sealed. I couldn't say that I ever really had a desire to do it, it just seemed like something that had to be done in order for me to somehow progress. That day was a whirlwind and whenever I think of the place we were sealed I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Directly after our sealing we went to lunch with everyone who came--my husband's family. After that we did a few other things. We didn't get back to our hotel until later that evening. I remember lying in bed, turning away from my husband and just crying my eyes out, trying to stay quiet. He eventually caught on and I let him know that I felt misled, tricked and like I was forced into making a "covenant" that I did not agree with. He didn't understand. I haven't been back since then and don't plan on going back. That was the day that I realized I'd been fed false information, that church ceremonies / the temple ceremony / the lds church was created by people. Well-intentioned people, no doubt, but still just people like you and me.

That's where I am now. Still figuring out a few things. I feel like my beliefs are continually shifting as I learn more and explore. I'm glad to have this space to read others' stories and have open discussion. Thanks for reading.

[MalcolmVillager]

Welcome and thanks for sharing. This is a great place to vent and find acceptance. We are diverse here, yet open minded. What you are going through is not unique but the isolation you feel is very real. I do not envy your position. There are lots of books, podcasts, and Internet groups thst can help. These can be very beneficial to you. At the same time, if your husband isn't accepting of this path, he will see the sources as "of the devil" and a cause for your disaffection.

So many of us are on this path without the support of our families (which is probably the primary reason we seek support online). You will have to determine how to negotiate this with him. At some point it is best to have candid conversations. Counseling is certainly a powerful tool to keep the 2 of you together during the turmoil thst is likely to come from it.

Anyway, take it slow and be kind to yourself and family. This puzzle isn't easily solved, and every outcome is different. Some here have been "transitioning" for years and for others the process was like a whirlwind.

Are you listening to podcasts? Do you have anyone in your real life who you can talk to? How much does your husband know about where you are?

[wtfluff]

Believe me, a1986, you're not the only one who felt blindsided by the temple ceremony.

Even many of us who were born, bred and force-fed mormonism from day one left with that "What The Fluff???" feeling.

"Temple Prep." Classes? Ha! Those classes have absolutely nothing to do with "preparing" anyone for what happens...

[MoPag]

Welcome to NOM! We are very happy to have you here with us. I hope we can be helpful on your faith journey.

Have you been to Feminist Mormon Housewives? http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/

They have a whole series on dealing with the aftermath of temple shock. http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org ... ts-series/

[moksha]

Welcome.

In defense of those Temple preparation classes, they are an attempt to keep all but the deepest ingrained members from feeling "weirded out" by the ceremony. The instructors are hamstrung by the rule that they are not to encourage you to first join the Freemasons to experience the basis for the ceremony ahead of time.

Hopefully, you will find this forum helpful and supportive.

[Enoch Witty]

Welcome.

In defense of those Temple preparation classes, they are an attempt to keep all but the deepest ingrained members from feeling "weirded out" by the ceremony. The instructors are hamstrung by the rule that they are not to encourage you to first join the Freemasons to experience the basis for the ceremony ahead of time.

I'm even more infuriated by the temple based on the fact that I attended the entirety of a semester-long temple prep class and still had no idea what would happen or what I would be covenanting. I was completely unprepared, despite taking a class to "prepare."

Welcome, a1986!

[MalcolmVillager]

Welcome.

In defense of those Temple preparation classes, they are an attempt to keep all but the deepest ingrained members from feeling "weirded out" by the ceremony. The instructors are hamstrung by the rule that they are not to encourage you to first join the Freemasons to experience the basis for the ceremony ahead of time.

I'm even more infuriated by the temple based on the fact that I attended the entirety of a semester-long temple prep class and still had no idea what would happen or what I would be covenanting. I was completely unprepared, despite taking a class to "prepare."

Welcome, a1986!

So true. I think "we" confuse the meaning of preparation. The church means that they are preparing us with worthiness and complete/blind commitment so that when we see the b@t $#it crazy ceremony we don't question it.

I think proper preparation would be an explanation of all the covenants and a description of what is going to happen not a bunch of fluffy stories about the blessings of temple attendance.

How is going into a room with all your loved ones, only to be blindsided with covenants and secrets of your own free will and choice?

[a1986]

Welcome to NOM! We are very happy to have you here with us. I hope we can be helpful on your faith journey.

Have you been to Feminist Mormon Housewives? http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/

They have a whole series on dealing with the aftermath of temple shock. http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org ... ts-series/

Thank you! I have been to that site, thanks for the suggestion. Going to have to check that I've read that series of posts!

[a1986]

[/quote]

I think proper preparation would be an explanation of all the covenants and a description of what is going to happen not a bunch of fluffy stories about the blessings of temple attendance.

[/quote]

I think I remember hearing a while back that the church was going to be moving toward more of that--possibly even going over the covenants presented in the temple during institute or seminary. I think that makes so much more sense.

[No Tof]

Welcome.

I would say you are very fortunate that the temple opened your eyes. Now youre like the rest of us, knowing good from evil. I hope your time here will help you keep your sanity as you deprogram.