Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
Galileo
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Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Galileo » Wed Jun 28, 2017 8:11 pm

Divorce is often multi-faceted, but I'm just wondering if anyone here ended their marriage due primarily to the religion thing. In my case, religion was the initial wedge that was put in between us, and as the years went on, we grew further and further apart due to not having two completely different world views. We never talked about that side of things - it was just swept under the rug, and years later, everything that did exist between us was just surface "fluff".

I was raised and taught that divorce is a bad thing. But is it really?

In my case, I wish I had done it years earlier so that both of us could have moved on with our lives. I'm SO much happier now - since she isn't a ball-and-chain keeping me in the church. She has told me that she is stronger in the church (and happier for it) now that I'm not a ball-and-chain pulling her away from it.

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Give It Time
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Give It Time » Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am

My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
At 70 years-old, my older self would tell my younger self to use the words, "f*ck off" much more frequently. --Helen Mirren

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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am

Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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Corsair
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Corsair » Thu Jun 29, 2017 11:14 am

It's worked out so far with my dear, believing wife. I do like her, but part of the reason I stick around is just to see what can happen as the undercover unbeliever in my ward and family.

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deacon blues
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by deacon blues » Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:32 pm

My wife is a TBM, but also a very understanding compassionate woman. I think we have found the common ground that has helped us make the marriage work for 7 years now. My wife is a better listener than any quorum president, bishop, or Stake president I have ever had. :)
God is Love. God is Truth

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dispirited
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by dispirited » Wed Jul 05, 2017 6:09 pm

Give It Time wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am
My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
My marriage has undergone 2 out of your 3 deal breakers and has come out stronger, more loving, with more understanding for each other. I'm glad your deal breakers weren't my wife's...

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Give It Time
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Give It Time » Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:50 pm

dispirited wrote:
Wed Jul 05, 2017 6:09 pm
Give It Time wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am
My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
My marriage has undergone 2 out of your 3 deal breakers and has come out stronger, more loving, with more understanding for each other. I'm glad your deal breakers weren't my wife's...
I am, too.
At 70 years-old, my older self would tell my younger self to use the words, "f*ck off" much more frequently. --Helen Mirren

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Vlad the Emailer
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Vlad the Emailer » Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:45 pm

Give It Time wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am
My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
Wow, so sorry to hear all that. What a life!

My wife and I should have divorced years ago just because we're such a bad fit. Truly our only thing in common was the church and now that's gone.

When I first told her of my disaffection and she had her meltdown(s) she asked if I wanted a divorce. I hated the idea (not so sure why, now) and said no. Now I wish I'd asked her if that's what she wanted and hoped she said yes. For some reason it is very important to me that she be the one that ends it. Now we just exist in the same house, in many ways, but in our 50's feel too old to start over. Actually I ironically am concerned for her in that regard. I could probably do better (men have it easier getting remarried in their older years, and in fact, I might even opt for a 20 years younger mail order bride like DW's dad did), but I just don't like the idea of her being alone. Even if she's the cause of it.
When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest. - Anonymous

Say what you want about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying. - Kurt Vonnegut

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Give It Time
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Give It Time » Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:14 pm

Vlad the Emailer wrote:
Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:45 pm
Give It Time wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am
My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
Wow, so sorry to hear all that. What a life!

My wife and I should have divorced years ago just because we're such a bad fit. Truly our only thing in common was the church and now that's gone.

When I first told her of my disaffection and she had her meltdown(s) she asked if I wanted a divorce. I hated the idea (not so sure why, now) and said no. Now I wish I'd asked her if that's what she wanted and hoped she said yes. For some reason it is very important to me that she be the one that ends it. Now we just exist in the same house, in many ways, but in our 50's feel too old to start over. Actually I ironically am concerned for her in that regard. I could probably do better (men have it easier getting remarried in their older years, and in fact, I might even opt for a 20 years younger mail order bride like DW's dad did), but I just don't like the idea of her being alone. Even if she's the cause of it.
I kind of get where you're coming from with your wife not being alone/unhappy. I'm kind of a toss-up about my ex. He's happier with someone and I want him to be happy. Flip side is is he's abusive and I don't want him abusing her. As my therapist said, I need to trust her to have the emotional maturity to figure things out herself.
At 70 years-old, my older self would tell my younger self to use the words, "f*ck off" much more frequently. --Helen Mirren

Anon70
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Anon70 » Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:52 pm

Not yet. I think if we do, it will be more than just about trying to make it in a mixed faith relationship. We have different parenting philosophies/different interests/different goals. Lately things have gone downhill and I don't know I can blame it on my "faith crisis" completely but it's probably having a big impact due to the other issues.

Korihor
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Korihor » Fri Jul 21, 2017 11:37 pm

A lot of heartbreak in this thread. Crazy how everything is intertwined. Love to y'all
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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SeeNoEvil
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by SeeNoEvil » Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:30 pm

I hold the distinguished honor of having not one but two temple divorces. I'm not real proud of my 2 failures but as with GiveitTime stated, "some people just shouldn't marry and I'm one of them." Any divorced or going through a divorce person can tell you it is an incredible painful time full of anger, regret and soul searching. For me it took years if not a life time to recover from. Both divorces were over abuse and affairs on the part of my spouses. Though my divorces were due to different things other than the church I know that with spouse #2 divorce would have been on the table over my issues with the church had he not made that deal breaking decision. Having gone through divorce I just want to say to divorce over this church is just not worth it! If you love each other work it out! To put things into perspective and why I get so emotional over this is I divorced to save my life and the lives of my children. With my first marriage I escaped with 7 little children in tow. I get really worked up when I hear of people divorcing over this dang church. It is just so unnecessary. (sorry for the rant)
Give It Time wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am
My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
Give it Time I don't know what to say about your mother. How incredibly horrible! Our stories and thoughts on divorce were so similar until you told us about your mom. Many times over you give all of us hugs and thoughts to warm our pain and it is now your turn as i send my love and hugs to you. For now please accept my hugs. {{{GiveitTime}}} Maybe one day I can do that in person.
"Every event that has taken place in this universe has led you to this moment.
... The real question is, what will you do with this moment?" - Unknown

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Give It Time
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Give It Time » Mon Aug 07, 2017 5:25 pm

SeeNoEvil wrote:
Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:30 pm
I hold the distinguished honor of having not one but two temple divorces. I'm not real proud of my 2 failures but as with GiveitTime stated, "some people just shouldn't marry and I'm one of them." Any divorced or going through a divorce person can tell you it is an incredible painful time full of anger, regret and soul searching. For me it took years if not a life time to recover from. Both divorces were over abuse and affairs on the part of my spouses. Though my divorces were due to different things other than the church I know that with spouse #2 divorce would have been on the table over my issues with the church had he not made that deal breaking decision. Having gone through divorce I just want to say to divorce over this church is just not worth it! If you love each other work it out! To put things into perspective and why I get so emotional over this is I divorced to save my life and the lives of my children. With my first marriage I escaped with 7 little children in tow. I get really worked up when I hear of people divorcing over this dang church. It is just so unnecessary. (sorry for the rant)
Give It Time wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:19 am
My neighbor did. She had full support from the ward. I divorced my husband over abuse. He was supposedly faithful. I got major pushback. My thoughts on marriage are simply that it isn't for everyone. For various reasons, I just believe that some people shouldn't marry. I'm one of them. I think children should be raised in a two parent committed to each other household. I think marriage should be taken seriously. Even though I don't think it's for everyone, I do think it's sacred.

I simply hate hearing of people that want to get away with treating their spouse badly, from small incidents to large, hate it. Had said that, there are very definitely deal breakers in a marriage. They are generally considered addictions, affairs and abuse. I add my own in there. For instance, if religion had been a deal breaker before marriage, I can see it being one afterwards. Not necessarily, but I can see it. Religion and views on God are major items.

Finally, my father didn't believe in divorce. He killed my mother. I have known two other people who don't believe in divorce for any reason and both of them seriously contemplated or are contemplating murdering their spouse. So, I'm kind of in the boat that divorce is a better option than murder, but that's just me.
Give it Time I don't know what to say about your mother. How incredibly horrible! Our stories and thoughts on divorce were so similar until you told us about your mom. Many times over you give all of us hugs and thoughts to warm our pain and it is now your turn as i send my love and hugs to you. For now please accept my hugs. {{{GiveitTime}}} Maybe one day I can do that in person.
Thank you, SNE. I would like that.
At 70 years-old, my older self would tell my younger self to use the words, "f*ck off" much more frequently. --Helen Mirren

Korihor
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Korihor » Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:07 am

Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
I wish you well in your situation, I can only imagine.
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Sat Aug 12, 2017 7:57 pm

Korihor wrote:
Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:07 am
Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
I wish you well in your situation, I can only imagine.
Thanks. Never thought I'd be here. Not in a million years.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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Rob4Hope
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Rob4Hope » Thu Aug 17, 2017 11:26 am

The LDS influence was complicit in my divorce.

I was in way too long,...and the church influenced that through fear, not through any enlightened doctrines.

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PalmSprings
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by PalmSprings » Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:47 pm

Rob4Hope wrote:
Thu Aug 17, 2017 11:26 am
The LDS influence was complicit in my divorce.

I was in way too long,...and the church influenced that through fear, not through any enlightened doctrines.
Ditto! I could go into all the dirty details of mine but in the end the details don't matter. Suffice it to say I should have divorced within the first 6 months, it would have been the humane and smart thing to do. But I ended up married ~12 years because of the twisted "you are a sinner if you divorce" doctrines.

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Rob4Hope
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Rob4Hope » Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:41 pm

PalmSprings wrote:
Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:47 pm
Rob4Hope wrote:
Thu Aug 17, 2017 11:26 am
The LDS influence was complicit in my divorce.

I was in way too long,...and the church influenced that through fear, not through any enlightened doctrines.
Ditto! I could go into all the dirty details of mine but in the end the details don't matter. Suffice it to say I should have divorced within the first 6 months, it would have been the humane and smart thing to do. But I ended up married ~12 years because of the twisted "you are a sinner if you divorce" doctrines.
I was more frightened of divorce than anything...and I mean anything. The only way out of the marriage was getting out of the church as well.

I am still astonished that for me to look at integrity, not only in myself but in the church (or any organization), I had to leave the Church behind. Taking sides arbitrarily, ignoring and convoluting factual information, suppressing information, telling lies and then smearing the line in the first place to cover it,...etc-- these were ALL things I learned from the church.

A Church that can't own its history and say: "I'm sorry" is a church that admits no mistake--hence its perfect. Their own doctrines condemn them--they have become a law unto themselves.

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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am

Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by FiveFingerMnemonic » Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:52 am

Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am
Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
Wow, sorry brother. I hope it goes amicably as possible.

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