Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Wed Aug 30, 2017 12:04 pm

FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:52 am
Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am
Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
Wow, sorry brother. I hope it goes amicably as possible.
Thanks. Me, too.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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Rob4Hope
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Rob4Hope » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:32 am

Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 12:04 pm
FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:52 am
Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am


Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
Wow, sorry brother. I hope it goes amicably as possible.
Thanks. Me, too.

There is life after divorce. The transition is difficult and the fallout can hurt....but there is life. I don't encourage anyone to divorce, but just know it isn't the end of the world.

Korihor
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Korihor » Thu Aug 31, 2017 3:50 pm

Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am
Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
So sorry Stig. Even if it's for the best, it still royally sucks.
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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Lady_Macbeth
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Lady_Macbeth » Thu Aug 31, 2017 4:56 pm

Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am
Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
Sorry to read this update - that is a difficult conversation to have :(

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MalcolmVillager
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by MalcolmVillager » Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:17 pm

Stig wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:15 am
Stig wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:09 am
Not yet...but appear to be headed that direction.
Update. We are explicitly planning how a split would look and function.
This sucks Stig. I am sad for all of you, I assume kids are in the mess and that makes it all the worse.

Chin up!

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Jeffret
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Jeffret » Fri Sep 08, 2017 6:16 pm

The generic answer to the original question, is that yes, lots of people have gotten divorced over religious issues. Or a loss of faith. Quite a few just discovered that without a shared religious world-view, they just didn't have anything in common.

On the other hand, lots of people haven't gotten divorced from it. Many people have figured out how to make it work, with completely new frameworks. Sometimes, they work out ways to create a peace with their different interests. I think that in general as relationships age, the people tend to find some different hobbies and interests. Relationships are successful when people can continue to create a sufficient amount of shared interests as things change and allow each other sufficient room for their different interests. A lot of people have ended creating workable mixed-faith relationships. Lots of people go into it knowing that's the case and with some things change afterwards.

And then there are those where both partners end up leaving the church. There are lots of cases of that happening, also. That's my particular case, though it took a long before my wife was really ready to reconsider things. I kept finding ways create meaning within Mormonism up until nearly that point.

Change is inevitable. I like to call change the 2nd law of the universe. A relationship cannot endure if it won't change. It's inevitable that the people in it will change, to greater or lesser degree. Unless the people learn to adapt the relationship to the changes it won't last. In my particular case, I'm quite a different person 30 years later from the person my wife married. One of the reasons my wife married me was because of my commitment to the Church. Turns out I'm more committed to Truth than the Church, to her than the Church. But, I'm quite a bit different in many other ways. And so is she. We've done a number of different weird hobbies and activities and we continue to enjoy sharing some of them with each other.
"Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see" (Charles Hart, "The Music of the Night")

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1smartdodog
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by 1smartdodog » Fri Sep 15, 2017 11:14 am

Not sure my wife gets upset over anything. I told her one day I did not believe. She said OK. She is the best.
“Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.”
― Thomas A. Edison

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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:12 am

Moving out shortly. I'm afraid there's no going back.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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Fifi de la Vergne
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Fifi de la Vergne » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:37 am

So, so sorry.
Joy is the emotional expression of the courageous Yes to one's own true being.

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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Tue Sep 19, 2017 1:31 pm

Fifi de la Vergne wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:37 am
So, so sorry.
Long run, it's the right answer. We want very different things out of the future. Working through this with the kids is the hardest part.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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MalcolmVillager
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by MalcolmVillager » Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:22 pm

Stig wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2017 1:31 pm
Fifi de la Vergne wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:37 am
So, so sorry.
Long run, it's the right answer. We want very different things out of the future. Working through this with the kids is the hardest part.
Sucks. A friend of mine just did the same. Tough stuff.

a1986
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by a1986 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:32 pm

My husband and I decided to move forward with separating tonight. Feeling sad and just overwhelmed but know it's the best decision in the long run. He will be moving to be with family in Utah and I'm moving back closer to my family (midwest). Just feeling very odd right now, like it's not me but someone else's life.

He's going to be telling his parents (who just happen to be in town for a week as of tonight) and his sister / BIL this weekend. We were invited for his nephew's bday party but I just don't think it's appropriate for me to go. We'd have to make up a lot of lies in order to keep up the "charade" anyway.

Ours is a bit of a weird situation because we realized a few months ago that we are really not a married couple, we're basically close friends that live together and occasionally do things married couples do.

Our primary reason for deciding to move forward with separating is of course church-related but also culture / beliefs about life, religion in general as well. He wants to move closer to the church and feels that since I've moved away from the church, he has also felt the need to do so in order to "save" our marriage. He also feels that he's grown distant with his family as I still am not comfortable around them for various reasons--I don't feel like I can be myself without judgment / rejection and I have no interest in "fitting in" with the mormon culture / ideals and therefore just feel like the "outsider."

All the best to anyone else going through something similar. It's hard but life goes on!

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Linked
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Linked » Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:52 pm

a1986 wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:32 pm
My husband and I decided to move forward with separating tonight. Feeling sad and just overwhelmed but know it's the best decision in the long run. He will be moving to be with family in Utah and I'm moving back closer to my family (midwest). Just feeling very odd right now, like it's not me but someone else's life.

He's going to be telling his parents (who just happen to be in town for a week as of tonight) and his sister / BIL this weekend. We were invited for his nephew's bday party but I just don't think it's appropriate for me to go. We'd have to make up a lot of lies in order to keep up the "charade" anyway.

Ours is a bit of a weird situation because we realized a few months ago that we are really not a married couple, we're basically close friends that live together and occasionally do things married couples do.

Our primary reason for deciding to move forward with separating is of course church-related but also culture / beliefs about life, religion in general as well. He wants to move closer to the church and feels that since I've moved away from the church, he has also felt the need to do so in order to "save" our marriage. He also feels that he's grown distant with his family as I still am not comfortable around them for various reasons--I don't feel like I can be myself without judgment / rejection and I have no interest in "fitting in" with the mormon culture / ideals and therefore just feel like the "outsider."

All the best to anyone else going through something similar. It's hard but life goes on!
Oh wow, you must have a million different emotions right now, hang in there! You are going to be ok.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Red Ryder
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Red Ryder » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:33 am

Congratulations a1986!

Hold your head up high and be proud that you guys were married for as long as you were. Sometimes couples need to move on for the benefit of both individuals.

You have your whole life ahead of you and will find happiness after this transition period. The best part is you can live your life without Mormonism if you choose.

It must be tough but there is sunshine in your soul today.... Congrats!
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

a1986
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by a1986 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:50 pm

Red Ryder wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:33 am
Congratulations a1986!

Hold your head up high and be proud that you guys were married for as long as you were. Sometimes couples need to move on for the benefit of both individuals.

You have your whole life ahead of you and will find happiness after this transition period. The best part is you can live your life without Mormonism if you choose.

It must be tough but there is sunshine in your soul today.... Congrats!
Thank you, and yes, it will be for both our benefit, for sure. You're right, I'm still relatively young and I have a lot of plans for the future I'm looking forward to!

I am absolutely going to be living without the church. Once I move, I plan on cutting all ties. I look at it as a fresh start and opportunity more than something ending / something terribly.

Thanks for your reply and support / encouragement!

a1986
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by a1986 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:51 pm

Linked wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:52 pm
a1986 wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:32 pm
My husband and I decided to move forward with separating tonight. Feeling sad and just overwhelmed but know it's the best decision in the long run. He will be moving to be with family in Utah and I'm moving back closer to my family (midwest). Just feeling very odd right now, like it's not me but someone else's life.

He's going to be telling his parents (who just happen to be in town for a week as of tonight) and his sister / BIL this weekend. We were invited for his nephew's bday party but I just don't think it's appropriate for me to go. We'd have to make up a lot of lies in order to keep up the "charade" anyway.

Ours is a bit of a weird situation because we realized a few months ago that we are really not a married couple, we're basically close friends that live together and occasionally do things married couples do.

Our primary reason for deciding to move forward with separating is of course church-related but also culture / beliefs about life, religion in general as well. He wants to move closer to the church and feels that since I've moved away from the church, he has also felt the need to do so in order to "save" our marriage. He also feels that he's grown distant with his family as I still am not comfortable around them for various reasons--I don't feel like I can be myself without judgment / rejection and I have no interest in "fitting in" with the mormon culture / ideals and therefore just feel like the "outsider."

All the best to anyone else going through something similar. It's hard but life goes on!
Oh wow, you must have a million different emotions right now, hang in there! You are going to be ok.
Absolutely. Thank you, I think so too!

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wanderer
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by wanderer » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:23 pm

Wow, guys, so much of this thread is just heartbreaking. I'm quite young and have never been married or even had a boyfriend, so I don't really understand what it must be like but obviously it's got to hurt so much. All the best to you all as you try to heal yourself and heal relationships where possible.
This thread reminded me of a girl in my YSA ward relief society. She's 19 (just a year younger than me) and already divorced. Mormonism motivated her to marry early, before she was ready it seems, and now she has this stigma (who wants to marry a girl who was divorced yet is already still sealed to another man, right? Such a messed up mindset...) attached to her, and it just makes me so sad.
“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.”

― Rumi

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Rob4Hope
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Rob4Hope » Thu Mar 15, 2018 10:15 am

a1986 wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:32 pm
My husband and I decided to move forward with separating tonight. Feeling sad and just overwhelmed but know it's the best decision in the long run. He will be moving to be with family in Utah and I'm moving back closer to my family (midwest). Just feeling very odd right now, like it's not me but someone else's life.

He's going to be telling his parents (who just happen to be in town for a week as of tonight) and his sister / BIL this weekend. We were invited for his nephew's bday party but I just don't think it's appropriate for me to go. We'd have to make up a lot of lies in order to keep up the "charade" anyway.

Ours is a bit of a weird situation because we realized a few months ago that we are really not a married couple, we're basically close friends that live together and occasionally do things married couples do.

Our primary reason for deciding to move forward with separating is of course church-related but also culture / beliefs about life, religion in general as well. He wants to move closer to the church and feels that since I've moved away from the church, he has also felt the need to do so in order to "save" our marriage. He also feels that he's grown distant with his family as I still am not comfortable around them for various reasons--I don't feel like I can be myself without judgment / rejection and I have no interest in "fitting in" with the mormon culture / ideals and therefore just feel like the "outsider."

All the best to anyone else going through something similar. It's hard but life goes on!
I went through something similar, but different in many ways. My faith crisis existed through the entire divorce, but going forward, there is no way I could go back to that past relationship. The influence of the church in her life is so great and overwhelming, its suffocating. She clings to the Proclamation on the Family, and in a cordial conversation (we can still talk after the 3+ year old divorce), I mentioned the Proclamation was a political document created as an amicus brief for a lawsuit in Hawaii.

You should have seen how she looked at me!

She told me it was the Word of God, delivered to the Prophet himself, and it had the weight of the full 15 prophets behind it.

I shut up fast. Not because I couldn't argue it, but because she started to tear up--not in a manipulative way, but because in her mind with her own struggles and pain, that document is like her life-line. I didn't have the heart to inflict pain in that situation.

To some people, their ability to see reality or even consider it is other than they believe, it probably too much for them to bare. I wonder if someone could actually end up in a hospital or psych-ward from a faith crisis. I bet it happens.

I bet there are even suicides over some of this. We know that in the LGBT LDS community, suicides do happen rather often.

What a mess. And those Q15 A$$holes wash their hands because they see themselves as above morality when it comes to declaring the will of God (I really believe they see it that way....)

I'm reminded of Radio Free Mormon's podcast "Making Doctrine out of Nothing at All"...where he disects the POTF and shows where it couches lies to create the illusion that the doctrines it contains have always been so. He found multiple lies IN THE DOCUMENT ITSELF.

Those Q15 got a lot of nerve (or lack thereof) to shovel lies at that level. It amazes me!!!!

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AdmiralHoldo
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by AdmiralHoldo » Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:16 am

I'm definitely headed that direction. My husband loves the institutional Church more than he could ever love me.

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Stig
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Re: Did anyone here get a divorce over all of this?

Post by Stig » Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:41 pm

AdmiralHoldo wrote:
Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:16 am
I'm definitely headed that direction. My husband loves the institutional Church more than he could ever love me.
Realizing I was second place to the Church for my wife's love, and that I always would be, was a huge factor in the decision to leave my marriage.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

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