Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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jb_10mm
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Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Post by jb_10mm » Mon Jun 18, 2018 1:46 pm

Hi, I'm pretty new here.

I've been through a lot in the last couple years. I was disfellowshipped a couple years ago, and the process has been rough. My wife actually has told me she struggles with several things about the church because of the experience she has seen me go through. But I think she mostly is resentful towards the stake president, not the church itself. I've "put a pin" in my questioning for the last year or so in order to focus on my relationship with my wife and some personal issues I am going through. But in the last couple weeks, I've felt that it's time to pull the pin out and really examine where I'm at, and what I believe. I read the gospel topics essays, CES letter, FAIRmormon stuff, and several other sources. I don't know where I am, but I DO know that the church I grew up believing in doesn't exist, at least not in the way it was taught to me. So I feel a bit duped and deceived.

I told my wife last night that I haven't decided anything yet, and that I'm not the type of person to emotionally make drastic decisions, nor do I ever want to harbor bitterness or anger towards anything or anyone. But I had several significant concerns that made it difficult for me to continue forward the way I have been. I told her some of my concerns, feeling like the institution that I had poured so much of my life and soul into had deliberately misled me and misinformed me about several things.

It ended up being a really good conversation. She started crying, and she said that it was because she felt like she was losing something. We talked it through, and basically came to the conclusion that she doesn't really believe the whole "this church is true, all the rest are lacking" and that God can work in many ways to reach people in and out of the church. So she realized that she wouldn't really be losing anything, except her expectations of what her life would be like, married in the temple, reading scriptures as a family, going to church together, etc. She said that losing this expectation is what is making her sad. I could definitely understand that. It's been hard for me as well to realize the social ramifications for us.

She agreed to read more so she could understand my concerns. So... any advice for us this early into our process would be helpful. Maybe I'm being delusional, but I hope that there is a place for us to stay in the church, accept that there are things we don't believe but make it what we want it to be for our family anyway. Thoughts?

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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Post by FiveFingerMnemonic » Mon Jun 18, 2018 3:04 pm

Welcome, I think you did the right thing bringing up the issue early on and the reaction you recieved is common. It feels like a kick in the balls and is a big gut check, but well worth having your feelings out in the open where integrity lives.

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Red Ryder
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Re: Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Post by Red Ryder » Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:07 pm

If you really want to blow her mind,
listen to the Tom Phillips interview about the 2nd anointing with her. It's 5 hours long but probably covers a lot of good stuff she hasn't considered before. The real magic will happen when you and her compare your mistreatment to the special treatment of the 2nd anointing recipients! That should widen the gap. Google it!

On second thought, if you want to remain in the church then I would do nothing. Just keep going and do what you enjoy doing and skip what you don't like. As a warning, the current path you are on will lead you to an exit door. Of course you can stand at that door forever without walking through it. It's not a bad place to be per se if you can tolerate the culture and insanity that becomes amazingly visible. Remember it's ok to say no and take as much or as little as you need from the church.

It's really all a matter of perspective. Sometimes it helps to remind myself that if I hadn't been raised mormon I would probably be raised something else and attending some sort of church somewhere. I believe they are all man made so my approach has been to dilute my religious participation down to the pure minimum. It allows me to be connected or disconnected at any given point I decide. Sort of like owning that one tool you never really will use again but might need to pull off the work bench on occasion.
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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Just This Guy
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Re: Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Post by Just This Guy » Tue Jul 24, 2018 7:00 pm

Maybe if DW feels she is loosing something, you can offer a replacement? Look at each thing she may loose and try to see what is really the root thing that your spouse finds attractive.

Instead of going to church each Sunday, you can take the family to visit local places of interest. Museums, nature preserves, historical landmarks etc. That way you are still spending time as a family, and still doing something educational. Maybe go do a family service project.

Instead of daily scripture study, you have daily book study and read together classic literature or something else everyone would find interesting.

It may soften the impact to have a replacement ready to go.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

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Angel
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Re: Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Post by Angel » Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:45 am

My husband and I are in the middle of a faith-transition as well. we are now partially active - no callings, no temple recommend, cafeteria Mormons.

For me, my religious journey takes place partially within a community, and partially as an individual. Embracing these two pieces - both community and individual - I feel free to take some, and leave some. I don't think G-d wants us to have faith in a prophet, or worship a church - we are supposed to have an individual relationship with Him - no middle-man about it. We pray to G-d, we have faith in G-d - not to any church.

I am choosing to keep my testimony in G-d, and feel no need to keep or have a testimony in any arm-of-flesh church. Keeping everything in its proper place - what deserves our devotion, and what does not - is good.

I think it is possible to enjoy a community without being trampled by it.

G-d has established a world filled with amny different religious organizations - no single all-powerful church. Why? Perhaps to give us this balanced approach - that we have a community, but that we all - all religious organizations and people - we all know our group is not "true", does not contain everything we need - and this forces us to our own personal testimony and our own personal relationship with G-d.

Take some, leave some - this is our agency - this is what our personal individual testimony is supposed to be.

Prayers for you and yours as you take this next step in your journey!
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Yobispo
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Re: Broke the news that I'm "questioning"

Post by Yobispo » Mon Jul 30, 2018 4:49 pm

Red Ryder wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:07 pm
If you really want to blow her mind,
listen to the Tom Phillips interview about the 2nd anointing with her. It's 5 hours long but probably covers a lot of good stuff she hasn't considered before. The real magic will happen when you and her compare your mistreatment to the special treatment of the 2nd anointing recipients! That should widen the gap. Google it!

On second thought, if you want to remain in the church then I would do nothing. Just keep going and do what you enjoy doing and skip what you don't like. As a warning, the current path you are on will lead you to an exit door. Of course you can stand at that door forever without walking through it. It's not a bad place to be per se if you can tolerate the culture and insanity that becomes amazingly visible. Remember it's ok to say no and take as much or as little as you need from the church.

It's really all a matter of perspective. Sometimes it helps to remind myself that if I hadn't been raised mormon I would probably be raised something else and attending some sort of church somewhere. I believe they are all man made so my approach has been to dilute my religious participation down to the pure minimum. It allows me to be connected or disconnected at any given point I decide. Sort of like owning that one tool you never really will use again but might need to pull off the work bench on occasion.
I agree with the Tom Phillips podcast. If you are honest enough with yourself and each other then you deserve to know everything about the church. It's the best way to make an informed decision.

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