Wish me luck today :)

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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jfro18
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Wish me luck today :)

Post by jfro18 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 9:46 am

Going with DW together to see the non-LDS therapist I've met with a few times.

I am really anxious about how it's going to go. She is holding off on seeing the LDS therapist based on how this goes, which I think is helpful but also shows how tenuous this could be.

She is still reading the more antagonistic apologists which also makes me nervous because she claims to not care about these things but is going to people who are very aggressive and angry towards critics well beyond FAIR.

I really hope the therapist can help her to understand why she's fighting so hard to listen to me, and I hope that the therapist can help me find better ways to deal with it... I know it's not a one-way street.

Anyway... very nervous so thankfully I have a lot of work to do in the meantime. Not expecting much today since it's the first go around, but hoping we find some common ground to work towards.

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IT_Veteran
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by IT_Veteran » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:21 am

It's a good sign - I wish you luck. Don't lose hope either. My wife found apologetics to be completely unfulfilling and they helped to push her out.

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jfro18
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by jfro18 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:42 am

IT_Veteran wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:21 am
It's a good sign - I wish you luck. Don't lose hope either. My wife found apologetics to be completely unfulfilling and they helped to push her out.
Thanks! I saw on the Faith Crisis report that was common for a lot of people.

At first she read FAIR and we went over some of those and I explained why they couldn't work, but since she's gone to more aggressive sources (think Daniel Peterson types) and we haven't gotten into details lately but from our last few talks she's gotten much more (trying to think of a gentle way to say it) militant about church issues.

The therapist said that's a very normal reaction to fear and that we would work on addressing what exactly she is afraid of (and on my end what I'm afraid of if my kid goes and she stays full TBM, etc), but I also worry that as soon as we get into that my wife will bail on it.

We'll see... I know it's selfish to want her to know all of this, but I also know it was selfish of her to pull me into the church and tell me never to read anti-Mormon stuff (along with her parents at the time). We have a different story than many I think when it comes to the faith crisis stuff.

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Just This Guy
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Just This Guy » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:45 am

Best of luck to the two if you.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

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Corsair
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Corsair » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:52 am

We wish you all the best. This is a step that I really would like to introduce to my wife at some point.

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jfro18
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by jfro18 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 11:23 am

Corsair wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:52 am
We wish you all the best. This is a step that I really would like to introduce to my wife at some point.
I'll let you know how I screw it up so you know how to handle it better. :lol:

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Emower
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Emower » Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:20 pm

jfro18 wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 11:23 am
Corsair wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:52 am
We wish you all the best. This is a step that I really would like to introduce to my wife at some point.
I'll let you know how I screw it up so you know how to handle it better. :lol:
I dont know that I and my wife are at therapist level, but I would be very interested to hear a summary about the kinds of things the therapist guides you through, and the things she asks you guys to do. Whatever you are willing to share anyway...

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Linked
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Linked » Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:34 pm

Good luck!

I had a few therapy sessions with my DW and they went really badly. She had/has no desire to address any issues, and would rather live a superficial life with them hidden than address them. It sounds like your relationship is more open to working through things, so I hope it goes better for the two of you.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by FiveFingerMnemonic » Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:48 pm

I have suggested visiting a therapist to my wife and she flat out said she was worried the therapist would justify my position or side with me. Surprising honesty.

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Mormorrisey
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Mormorrisey » Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:57 pm

FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:48 pm
I have suggested visiting a therapist to my wife and she flat out said she was worried the therapist would justify my position or side with me. Surprising honesty.
That's the challenge for me too - I don't want anything to do with LDS Family Services, and the missus doesn't want a "secular" therapist. It's tough.

But not to threadjack, jfro18. I wish you excellent luck today - that's a great step.
"And I don't need you...or, your homespun philosophies."
"And when you try to break my spirit, it won't work, because there's nothing left to break."

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jfro18
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by jfro18 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 2:03 pm

Linked wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:34 pm
Good luck!

I had a few therapy sessions with my DW and they went really badly. She had/has no desire to address any issues, and would rather live a superficial life with them hidden than address them. It sounds like your relationship is more open to working through things, so I hope it goes better for the two of you.
I believe this is how my wife feels to be honest... which is why I am so anxious that this will backfire and send her straight to LDS family services. It's hard enough to get someone to open up to issues when they are "neutral," but once you're looking at some really aggressive sources... it's going to be even more difficult. But I hope that we get a breakthrough - I'm very appreciative that she agreed to do it considering she knows it's not an LDS source and that I've already seen her a few times.
FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:48 pm
I have suggested visiting a therapist to my wife and she flat out said she was worried the therapist would justify my position or side with me. Surprising honesty.
I'm actually nervous this is going to happen. I asked the therapist a few times if she will "take sides" on issues and she said that she's not trying to arbitrate but to facilitate conversations... but then she mentioned that she will try to redirect and in this case a lot of it will be addressing the fears for me and her of moving forward with the church in our lives or without it. I get nervous that is where things could fall apart quickly.


And thank you everyone for the kind thoughts... I will post anything helpful here because I think anything I can contribute that might help any of you is worth posting. Obviously I won't post any super personal details, but I will definitely post the ups and downs of this because if it can help me I hope it can help at least a few of you. :)

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jfro18
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by jfro18 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 7:58 pm

The first go at it went OK... not great or good,but OK. And OK is good for a first session considering how these things go. :)

I think it'll be helpful to have a third party redirecting the conversations, although I think we're both hunkered down right now and so I guess the real hope is that she opens up a bit to talking through this stuff.

We're going again next week so hopefully with a few sessions we'll see where things can go. If today is any indication, these sessions are going to move very slowly.

Fingers crossed some good comes out of it.

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Red Ryder
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Dec 06, 2018 9:26 pm

Sounds like it went well.

Having been through this last year it pays to be open and vulnerable and honest. We had an LDS therapist in private practice so not LDSFS. It worked because we didn’t have to spend time explaining or teaching her about Mormonism. She already knew and did a great job facilitating discussion and learning to recover from bad discussions and focus on positive discussions going forward. Keep us updated.
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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slavereeno
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by slavereeno » Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:24 pm

Best of Luck Jfro, I am also reading along with interest.

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Linked
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Re: Wish me luck today :)

Post by Linked » Sat Dec 08, 2018 11:40 am

I'm glad your first visit went OK jfro! Hopefully this will help open the doors of communication between you and your DW.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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