Thinking about my old EQP

[Enoch Witty]

Something got me thinking about my old EQP today. He was ostensibly my friend for the few years he lived in our ward; at least, our families shared a single hobby and we would get together for that occasionally. He was one of those extremely friendly TBM uber-Mormon types. The type that makes you uncomfortable, but while you're at all in the TBM bubble you can never figure out why exactly that is since they're "so nice."

The reason why is clear to me now. These kind of people can't just accept that you want to be less involved than they are. He was always on my case about some "priesthood responsibility" or another, but the worst was home teaching. This guy would never let up on it. Before long, he assigned himself to be my companion, and it was torture.

He lived a good 30-minute drive away from me, and he made sure to assign us families that were right by his home. So this meant I had a one-hour round trip added to something I already was loathe to be doing. Then the visits. They were never shorter than 45 minutes. Like, not once. And he really insisted on going through the Ensign message in detail. Our families were a mix of the ward members that really don't need home teachers (young, healthy, lots of family and friends in the area, etc.) and part-member/inactive families that really didn't want us there at all. It was always so awkward, but Mr. Uber-EQP never seemed to recognize it.

It's sad, really, because he wasn't a bad guy, and I know that he thought he was doing the right thing. But as I look back, that guy was a huge part of making me actively despise going to church, rather than just finding it boring and uninspiring. I'm sure he'd hate to learn that, but it just shows how the church's reactivation practices backfire. I might have never been pushed to the point of needing to get out of church if it weren't for people like this.

I guess to some extent that means I should be grateful to him, right?

[Corsair]

I could have been a version of that EQP in your ward. I served very valiantly as first counselor with an excellent, humble man in an Elder's Quorum presidency. Luckily, in suburban Arizona, our ward boundaries were not quite two miles across at most. I can simply tell you that I definitely felt that these visits were the Right Thing To Do. I enjoyed at least thinking that I was helping people and I may have been in some small way. Your EQP was feeling the virtuous expectations of leadership and other ward members. The fact that you were unintentionally pushed out would be ironic and tragic for him. It's a sobering thought for the two years of leadership service I did in weekly visits to all sorts of families in my ward. I was probably developing my own cult of personality more than objectively helping people

[Enoch Witty]

I could have been a version of that EQP in your ward. I served very valiantly as first counselor with an excellent, humble man in an Elder's Quorum presidency. Luckily, in suburban Arizona, our ward boundaries were not quite two miles across at most. I can simply tell you that I definitely felt that these visits were the Right Thing To Do. I enjoyed at least thinking that I was helping people and I may have been in some small way. Your EQP was feeling the virtuous expectations of leadership and other ward members. The fact that you were unintentionally pushed out would be ironic and tragic for him. It's a sobering thought for the two years of leadership service I did in weekly visits to all sorts of families in my ward. I was probably developing my own cult of personality more than objectively helping people

I recognize that he felt like he was doing the right thing, which is why I did not reduce the scenario to "eff that guy." I also felt at the time like I should want to do the things that he did, but I didn't, because I'm an introvert, and Mormonism expects us all to be extroverted to the max.

"Ironic and tragic" is a good description of how he would feel about his impact on my faith, I agree. Which is why I wouldn't tell him (unless he tried to confront me on it, which he won't; we haven't talked in years). He's a good-natured guy trying to do his best in life. I'm just pointing out that what the church expects out of its lay leadership in their treatment of members is likely having the opposite effect in many cases. But I suppose this type of aggressive assignment-making might work to get some people roped back in...

[20/20hind]

Ya I hated home teaching. My EQP at the time was a decent guy but he just could not handle the elders not getting it done.

One Sunday he came up to me just before class and with a stern tone said "you and I are now ht companions and I have appointments set up for after church today"

I said, "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not available today, or any other day."

I don't have a problem with being direct

He looked seriously pissed off. He didn't say anything back, he had to get back up to the front of the room because class was starting.

I never was bothered about home teaching again.

He was then called to be a high councilor.

I continued to suck at Mormonism.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

The mental health improvement from breaking the home-teaching guilt programming (and every other guilt run program) is awesome. Even though I'm still captive in the church due to family, this aspect has been so freeing.

[No Tof]

I could have been a version of that EQP in your ward.

+1

For a long time I felt really guilty and some shame for the zealous way I "fulfilled " my callings. Thankfully now that too is fading away into the hazy rear view mirror portion of my life.

Glad the Jedi mind games didn't work on you.

[Meilingkie]

When I started attending this ward (because old ward was closed in 2000) I quickly developed a hate for my EQP.
We was such a guy, Always pushing.
We had 2 babies at that time, wife in a post-partum depression.
Sickly to boot with weightissues.
Did I mention debt, and no car yet?
Oh, and we were married for 2 years and a bit, I joined the church 3 years ago at that time.

I tried to help out at home, and the EQP couldn´t fathom why I didn´t trust the Lord to take care of my own, if I only would do my assignments.

It put me off of home-teaching, and leaders in general.
What a pi##stain he was.

Luckily he moved out, 10 years later we met at a funeral, and he apologized for being an ass.
In the meantime he had gotten kids of his own, and had run into the wall himself.

Karma is a bi###

[Abinidied]

Wow! Your post sent me spiralling into the not so distant past when the one-ton home teaching straw broke my camels back.

I identify exactly with what you are describing for it was only two months ago an HT-EQP zealot finally pushed me to quit. As I sat their reading a text-chastisement he sent me because I informed him I would not go with the companion he assigned me, I realized just how much I hated home-teaching. I decided not only that I wasn't going with said comp, I wasn't going to go at all - ever again. Of course this meant I was, in a sense, exposing my true identity - something I've been wanting to do for a very long time. That's when I called the bishop and stopped attending/HT - everything. I was done. It was exactly as you say. It was this extreme orthodox TBM that actually increased my 'faith' in my ability to stand up and say, "No! I won't go HT/give a talk/give you any more money/'volunteer' to help set up chairs for stake conference/etc to infinity. And what possible very small segment of damaged brain cells make you think you can tell me what to do and when to do it and where I'll eternally end up if I don't?"

I'm sure like your EQP he had no idea he was ushering me out of the building. Think I'll send him a thank you note . . .

[Emower]

Like others here, I was on my way towards being that guy. My patriarchal blessing makes it seem like I was foreordained for big leadership positions in the church. When I had some inklings of doubt I had a real choice to make. I could double down on my commitment to the church and its associated zealousness, or I could entertain my doubts. I'm so glad I ended up here and not chasing the lds rainbow.

[nibbler]

I feel for most EQPs. Most are ordinary Joes tasked with the impossible, get people to do home teaching, which is something no one has any interest in doing. No one ever takes that step back and asks whether changes can be made to the program to make it more palatable, so the EQP is tasked with playing the part of makeup artist for a pig for a few years.

They have regular one on one interviews with the SP and I've seen several SPs use that opportunity to rake EQPs over the coals when the various benchmarks that have been set for measured things aren't being met. Essentially the EQP is punished for what other people in their quorum are or aren't doing. It's in the EQP's interest to get the numbers up because maybe, maybe this time the meeting with the SP won't be so crushing.

In order for me to be a successful EQP I'd have to develop an "I don't care" attitude. Go into all my extra meetings where people say what I should be doing better, then ignore it and go about my life making sure not to pass the abuse down the chain. I'd be EQ President Truman, "The guilt stops here." Let's face it, the HT stats are going to be in the gutter anyway, why continue to beat people up over them?

I'm not trying to take away from your experience. I've known several "priesthood responsibility" EQPs. I figure that those types are out to climb the corporation of the church's ladder... or maybe it's as you say, they just can't accept the fact that some people are less gung-ho about the letters of every law that filters down the church hierarchy.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

In order for me to be a successful EQP I'd have to develop an "I don't care" attitude. Go into all my extra meetings where people say what I should be doing better, then ignore it and go about my life making sure not to pass the abuse down the chain. I'd be EQ President Truman, "The guilt stops here." Let's face it, the HT stats are going to be in the gutter anyway, why continue to beat people up over them?

This pretty much sums up my EQP tenure. Except it didn't stop me from feeling that ever present subconscious psychological stress. I had an a-hole of a high councilor on my back constantly, which had the opposite effect of what he was trying to accomplish. I got out of that gig by going to war. Sad that I was so happy to be going to war. It was way more awesome than being EQP.