What I wish I would have done differently

[FreeBird]

By all accounts, transitioning out of the church can be a difficult and trying process. But, I think there are some things that could have made my transition better. Here's my list:

1. Express love and acceptance instead of anger: I wish I could have kept anger out of my conversations with my wife. To a large extent, I believe that negative feelings are unavoidable when going through a faith transition. I also believe many of those negative feelings were and are valid. Unfortunately, I think the expression of anger undermines what could otherwise be a productive conversation. My rejection of the church was often interpreted as a rejection of my spouse. I wish I would have chosen to express more love and acceptance instead.

2. Don't try and change others: Attempts to change a spouse often backfires. I'd love it if my wife saw things the same way I do, but that's often not a realistic expectation. Instead of trying to change my wife's beliefs, I would ask more questions about her world view. I would listen more. I would critique less.

3. Release the pressure: I felt like I had to figure things out as soon as possible. There was nothing more important than finding out if the church was true or false. In retrospect, I wish I wouldn't have put so much pressure on myself. Studying Mormonism can be fascinating if it's not making you crazy. I would enjoy the journey more.

4. Be more transparent: I would engage in friendly dialogue with people at church. I think church culture discourages discussion of doubt, so I largely suffered alone. There were a couple of people I almost talked with, but I never got up the nerve. A couple of years later, I found out both of them had more nuanced views of the church. I think we could have had some great conversations, and I wouldn't have felt so alone and miserable. Of course, this one entails some risk, but, in retrospect, I think it's a risk that I would personally take. People eventually found out I didn't believe anyway - I stopped going to church.

5. Exercise: Exercising is hard. It's probably especially hard when you're going through a faith transition. But, I think exercise has played an important role in helping me feel more positive about life. Thanks endorphins!

6. Replace church with something positive: Learn to play an instrument. Read a good book. Learn a language. Join a new community. There is so much that is good in the world, and you now have more time to explore it. Take advantage of a quiet Sunday morning to do something good. I like to have a healthy mix of doing something for myself (e.g., a cup of coffee and a good book) and doing something for my family (fold some laundry, mow the lawn, or tidy up the house).

Obviously, some of this is easier said than done, but I believe these changes would have had a positive impact on my life. Do you agree or disagree? If you could go back and do it again, what would you do differently?

[Meilingkie]

I am Climbing this path now for several years, and as you come out of the darkness you see there are not a few people Climbing, but a multitude.
And it´s damn empowering.
You see people falter, or abandon the climb altogether.
And that´s fine, maybe a shame, but fine nevertheless,
But it´s a hard climb, being NOM and staying in Church.
A lot of it is due to leadershiproulette.

[Zadok]

I believe that showing an increased commitment to the marriage is key. Throwing a religion like Mormonism out of your life is a huge step and undertaking. It is only natural for a spouse to wonder if perhaps you would do the same thing with your marriage. Changing views on Mormonism must be separate from your commitment to your spouse and I believe you need to go out of your way to make this clear.

[Meilingkie]

However Zadok, if you take the Gospel, and the temple a bit (too?) serious it´s easy to see why people conflate marriage with the Church.
Even my DW did the same when I said I wanted out.
And we have a civil as well as a temple-marriage.
However it was the fear of me becoming a vile apostate and throing everything away which was her greatest concern.

So, task 1: Take those concerns away,
And I found, after a long time that I was not the trailblazer, but she was.
I had a NOM living in my house, and I was totally unaware about it.
Except for the pants she traditionally wears to church, and the occasional remark about "it´s just a man speaking" I didn´t have a clue.

[Deepthinker]

This is a great list, and I do think I have followed some of these better than others over the last few years.

I think you’re right, the expression of anger is necessary. We have to in order to get through that phase. There are definitely healthier ways to do that. I feel like I handled that one OK.

Numbers 2, 3, and 4 I think I’ve done OK with as well.

I really struggle with being transparent about religious beliefs with other members of the church, sometimes I feel like I’m hiding my true self from them. I don’t think we do need to be transparent with everyone about our religious beliefs, only those who are interested and sincerely want to know.

I also need to work on finding other positive things to do outside of the church.

[FreeBird]

I am Climbing this path now for several years, and as you come out of the darkness you see there are not a few people Climbing, but a multitude.
And it´s damn empowering.
You see people falter, or abandon the climb altogether.
And that´s fine, maybe a shame, but fine nevertheless,
But it´s a hard climb, being NOM and staying in Church.
A lot of it is due to leadershiproulette.

I love this. It is a hard climb, but the view at the end is worth it. We're not all climbing the same mountain or finding the same view.

I believe that showing an increased commitment to the marriage is key. Throwing a religion like Mormonism out of your life is a huge step and undertaking. It is only natural for a spouse to wonder if perhaps you would do the same thing with your marriage. Changing views on Mormonism must be separate from your commitment to your spouse and I believe you need to go out of your way to make this clear.

I'm doing a much better job of this now. I agree this makes a big difference. Thanks for the thought!

I really struggle with being transparent about religious beliefs with other members of the church, sometimes I feel like I’m hiding my true self from them. I don’t think we do need to be transparent with everyone about our religious beliefs, only those who are interested and sincerely want to know.

Agreed. I debated whether to include this in the list for this reason. In retrospect, I think it would have been a good thing for me, but it certainly wouldn't be the right answer for everyone in every circumstance. Maybe a better goal would be to strive for some level of authenticity rather than transparency. Transparency implies that you're not holding anything back, which probably wouldn't be advisable. But, I think I could have been more authentic without being completely transparent to everyone. I'm still working on being more confident about my new identity.

[hiding in plain sight]

This is a great list for someone making the transition. I wish I would have read this 7 years ago.

I definitely agree that when I began showing more love to my wife as opposed to dropping critical issues randomly on her, that our relationship began to mend.

You are so wise.

Thanks for sharing.

[w2mz]

Great list Free Bird. Excellent advice to those just starting the journey. This is why NOM is so badly needed.

I went about it SO wrong many years ago with my TBM DW and have been struggling with the damage ever since.

Unfortunately, the knee-jerk reaction for some (like me) when they start down this road is to want to firebomb everyone around them with toxic information. Sadly I'm one of those "well, that didn't turn out very well" casualties.

[MerrieMiss]

It's a great list.

Exercise is important, but for me, more important than the exercise is being in the outdoors. If I can get outside in any weather and get into nature at all it elevates me. Exercising in a gym doesn't do much.

[Hagoth]

I wish I had realized sooner that the problem was not with me - that it wasn't my fault the church seemed so messed up to me. I blamed myself for not being adequately faithful or worthy when I was losing my testimony. I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't be a stronger example of a faithful priesthood superstar example for my boys.

If I could have done anything differently I think I would have been more open with my wife about the fear and pain I was experiencing. Too many dark, lonely nights staring into the blackness and wondering it I was going to lose my family and friends, and then trying to put on a happy face during the day.

But then again, I know that dumping their issues early has backfired on some people who found themselves in the middle of high-pressure interventions before they had a chance to get their bearings.

Freebird's suggestion of getting exercise really hits home with me too. Years of cognitive dissonance really affected my health. When the light finally burst through he clouds and I heard an angel choir singing "It's really not true" I found the motivation to start thinking about my health again and started cycling. It was a huge boost to my state of mind.