Really struggling with marriage right now.

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
20/20hind
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:31 am

Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by 20/20hind » Tue Jul 11, 2017 10:47 am

My TBM wife took my kids out of state to efy. And then she took my two younger ones to an amusement park and the beach which is great of her to do that. They where gone 10 days. What I'm facing is I didn't miss my wife at all. I totally enjoyed my time alone with no Mormon stuff occurring in my life at all. Mentally I don't know how healthy it is for me to shut up and ignore Mormon things in my life. Honestly I was so happy when she was not around. I feel guilty about feeling this way. But I can't change it. Mormonism totally effed my life over. I don't know what to make of this or where it's going to end up. I just need to vent some.
Last edited by 20/20hind on Mon Jul 17, 2017 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Red Ryder
Posts: 4144
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Red Ryder » Tue Jul 11, 2017 1:17 pm

I can totally relate to this. Mine were gone for two weeks and I had some of the same thoughts. I think it's normal and healthy to have these thoughts which reflect a mature relationship you have with your wife. You've both managed to make a mixed faith marriage work which is a huge accomplishment.

Would life be better without the mormon weirdness always over heads? Yes. Would life be better without any Mormons in our lives? Probably not. We would have the same problems to some extent if our spouses were catholic, Jewish, or atheist.

Respecting each other's (un)/belief still won't eliminate your feelings. You've enjoyed a brief moment of being single again. Enjoy that time while it lasts and make it an annual summer thing if needed.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

User avatar
MoPag
Posts: 3741
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 2:05 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by MoPag » Tue Jul 11, 2017 1:44 pm

I'm sorry. That sucks. I wish I had answers to situations like this, but it's just hard. Is there anyway you could try to reconnect with you wife? Or will the church always be a wedge between you? Do you think she missed you?

TBH, I'm like the last person who should be giving relationship advice. I hope things will get better.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

20/20hind
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:31 am

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by 20/20hind » Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:28 pm

Thanks for the comments.. its bad enough that ive thought about having her submit her mission papers when we retire.. of course i would go pick her up when she was finished.

User avatar
Red Ryder
Posts: 4144
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Red Ryder » Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:48 pm

20/20hind wrote:
Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:28 pm
Thanks for the comments.. its bad enough that ive thought about having her submit her mission papers when we retire.. of course i would go pick her up when she was finished.
Best idea ever!

I'm definitely going to have to communicate this the next time senior missions come up.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

User avatar
wtfluff
Posts: 3629
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:20 pm
Location: Worshiping Gravity / Pulling Taffy

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by wtfluff » Tue Jul 11, 2017 7:06 pm

If I recall correctly (could be that I'm recalling incorrectly) most of the "relationship" books I've read say that "alone time" is vital to relationships.



I completely suck at relationships, so take the above advice for what it's worth: Probably about as much as you reader's paid for it...
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

IDKSAF -RubinHighlander

You can surrender without a prayer...

User avatar
Linked
Posts: 1533
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:04 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Linked » Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:08 pm

My wife just took the kids to a camp for a week, so I am going through this too! Relationships are super complicated, especially families. I don't know your situation, but enjoying some alone time where you aren't pressured to do things you don't believe in and you don't have to be as responsible is not a response that necessarily means your relationship with your wife is bad. It's a real vacation from a lot of the hard things in life, you should enjoy it.

If you were never married and had no kids you would not be feeling this relief all the time, other things would be the hard things in life. At least that's my guess.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

20/20hind
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:31 am

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by 20/20hind » Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:35 pm

Im thinking of separating. I thought i could do a mixed faith marriage but i may have been wrong. The ten days alone have been the happiest in 6 years. I missed my kids and that was tough because we do a lot together. Not saying divorce. but seperation. Emotionally its sucking the life out of me. Im not the same.

User avatar
Stig
Posts: 301
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:15 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Stig » Tue Jul 11, 2017 9:16 pm

20/20hind wrote:
Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:35 pm
Im thinking of separating. I thought i could do a mixed faith marriage but i may have been wrong. The ten days alone have been the happiest in 6 years. I missed my kids and that was tough because we do a lot together. Not saying divorce. but seperation. Emotionally its sucking the life out of me. Im not the same.
I'm in almost the same boat; we should talk. If you still have my number, call me. If not, PM me.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

20/20hind
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:31 am

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by 20/20hind » Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm

The more i look at my situtaion of a mixed faith marriage its like living with someone with an addiction. Its similar in the fact that it consumes who they are and what they do on a daily basis and try to get others involved. It makes them feel good. Its understandable why it consumes them and refuse to see alternate views because they have such a support group keeping them in it. Addiction to Mormonism is not viewed by mormons as a negative thing. Hell its encouraged.

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I have tried to get her into rehab but she refuses to see she has a problem..jk on that one..

User avatar
Stig
Posts: 301
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:15 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Stig » Thu Jul 13, 2017 1:44 pm

20/20hind wrote:
Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm
For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.
I would add - it's not healthy emotionally at all, for anyone involved.
“Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

“Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

User avatar
Red Ryder
Posts: 4144
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Jul 13, 2017 1:56 pm

I like your addiction analogy.

It's also like living with a third grader when you've recently graduated from high school and are ready to move out to college and conquer the world.

You've grown up. She hasn't.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

Korihor
Posts: 1239
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:37 am

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Korihor » Thu Jul 13, 2017 9:21 pm

I'm sorry, i know it's hard. Sending a digital fist bump and bro hug
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

User avatar
GoodBoy
Posts: 410
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2016 8:32 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by GoodBoy » Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:38 pm

I'm the same way. I kind of like it when the wife takes the kids to Utah to see relatives for a week or two. And we have a pretty good relationship. I just like doing whatever I want, when I want to. Then she comes home and I have to be responsible again.

Good luck!
Always been the good kid, but I wanted to know more, and to find and test truth.

User avatar
Dravin
Posts: 402
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:04 am
Location: Indiana

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Dravin » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:01 am

GoodBoy wrote:
Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:38 pm
I'm the same way. I kind of like it when the wife takes the kids to Utah to see relatives for a week or two. And we have a pretty good relationship. I just like doing whatever I want, when I want to. Then she comes home and I have to be responsible again.

Good luck!
Yep, the occasional girls night out or trip on my wife's part is something I enjoy. If she was gone half the year (or even for a month or two) it would suck, but the occasional absence? It's nice to be able to watch shows on the TV without concern that I'm hogging it or that she doesn't want to listen to some Twitch stream and basically driving her to retreat to the bedroom. Or cook something up that she's not the biggest fan of, or enjoy a beer on the couch in the evening (instead of in my man cave), or going on a trip to a nearby city or even hitting up a restaurant I know she wouldn't like without feeling like I'm 'stealing' together time to do it.
Hindsight is all well and good... until you trip.

Thoughtful
Posts: 1162
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:54 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Thoughtful » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:44 pm

This is a really valid concern, and the thought that occurs to me is that it could be an indicator that the marriage isn't working. Or, it could be an indicator that the marriage is one that is going to require more self care than you're currently getting, and adjusting some things could help dramatically.

For me, in my fairly long and mostly happy marriage, my happiness levels increase when spouse man takes the kids away for 3-4 days once or twice a year. He also takes a few trips per year with friends and not us. I do miss them at the same time I don't.

In my professional practice, it seems that marriages are really dependent on a lot of individualized self care. If it's affordable, it seems to work really well for couples to have one kid free vacation per year, and each take one spouse and kid free week or weekend as well.

User avatar
Hermey
Posts: 452
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Hermey » Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:19 pm

Sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Hats off to you for hanging in there as long as you have. There's no way I could have done it to the extent that you have. I shared what you wrote with my wife in order to maybe get some insight from her. Her question was if you had shared with her where you really are? In other words, does she fully get that you have reached your breaking point and why?

Maybe there's something in this blogpost that might help you in getting her to understand why the church (and all its accompanying Morming) is so toxic for you.

https://medium.com/@brynnetg/they-can-l ... 98cc12d399

User avatar
Newme
Posts: 863
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:43 pm

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by Newme » Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:49 pm

20/20hind wrote:
Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm
The more i look at my situtaion of a mixed faith marriage its like living with someone with an addiction. Its similar in the fact that it consumes who they are and what they do on a daily basis and try to get others involved. It makes them feel good. Its understandable why it consumes them and refuse to see alternate views because they have such a support group keeping them in it. Addiction to Mormonism is not viewed by mormons as a negative thing. Hell its encouraged.

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I have tried to get her into rehab but she refuses to see she has a problem..jk on that one..
It can be really frustrating. I've been there and feel for you.
And it's tough to distinguish between the marriage & Mormonism - they're so intertwined.

In my situation, there are times when things are going well - but other times (like lately), when I make mental plans about separating or divorcing. Relationships are ups & downs by nature. Still, sometimes when we've been apart, I've also been happier - and can't help but wonder if it really would be better to split. No doubt, it would cause other new problems - but would it be better overall or not? Who knows.

Good points about it being an addiction - and how the church encourages it. If you said that to a TBM, they'd look at you like you were 1 card short of a full deck. But I think it might be a helpful way to look at it when things get a little crazy.

20/20hind
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:31 am

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by 20/20hind » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:43 pm

Hermey wrote:
Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:19 pm
Sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Hats off to you for hanging in there as long as you have. There's no way I could have done it to the extent that you have. I shared what you wrote with my wife in order to maybe get some insight from her. Her question was if you had shared with her where you really are? In other words, does she fully get that you have reached your breaking point and why?

Maybe there's something in this blogpost that might help you in getting her to understand why the church (and all its accompanying Morming) is so toxic for you.

https://medium.com/@brynnetg/they-can-l ... 98cc12d399
Hey Hermey..

No i haven't communicated where im at with her because every time i try to talk to her about it she gets very defensive and starts lashing out at me regarding things she has issues with. So my life seriously fu$*ing sucks right now. If i just go along with what ever she wants to do about kids, or church im safe. Other wise i have my ass handed to me.

20/20hind
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:31 am

Re: Really struggling with marriage right now.

Post by 20/20hind » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:56 pm

Newme wrote:
Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:49 pm
20/20hind wrote:
Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm
The more i look at my situtaion of a mixed faith marriage its like living with someone with an addiction. Its similar in the fact that it consumes who they are and what they do on a daily basis and try to get others involved. It makes them feel good. Its understandable why it consumes them and refuse to see alternate views because they have such a support group keeping them in it. Addiction to Mormonism is not viewed by mormons as a negative thing. Hell its encouraged.

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I have tried to get her into rehab but she refuses to see she has a problem..jk on that one..
It can be really frustrating. I've been there and feel for you.
And it's tough to distinguish between the marriage & Mormonism - they're so intertwined.

In my situation, there are times when things are going well - but other times (like lately), when I make mental plans about separating or divorcing. Relationships are ups & downs by nature. Still, sometimes when we've been apart, I've also been happier - and can't help but wonder if it really would be better to split. No doubt, it would cause other new problems - but would it be better overall or not? Who knows.

Good points about it being an addiction - and how the church encourages it. If you said that to a TBM, they'd look at you like you were 1 card short of a full deck. But I think it might be a helpful way to look at it when things get a little crazy.
Its tough bro.. im ok if i shut my mouth and dont talk to my kids about who i am and what i believe. Im at my breaking point of just letting go and starting a new chapter in life..

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests