NOM

My TBM wife took my kids out of state to efy. And then she took my two younger ones to an amusement park and the beach which is great of her to do that. They where gone 10 days. What I'm facing is I didn't miss my wife at all. I totally enjoyed my time alone with no Mormon stuff occurring in my life at all. Mentally I don't know how healthy it is for me to shut up and ignore Mormon things in my life. Honestly I was so happy when she was not around. I feel guilty about feeling this way. But I can't change it. Mormonism totally effed my life over. I don't know what to make of this or where it's going to end up. I just need to vent some.

I can totally relate to this. Mine were gone for two weeks and I had some of the same thoughts. I think it's normal and healthy to have these thoughts which reflect a mature relationship you have with your wife. You've both managed to make a mixed faith marriage work which is a huge accomplishment.

Would life be better without the mormon weirdness always over heads? Yes. Would life be better without any Mormons in our lives? Probably not. We would have the same problems to some extent if our spouses were catholic, Jewish, or atheist.

Respecting each other's (un)/belief still won't eliminate your feelings. You've enjoyed a brief moment of being single again. Enjoy that time while it lasts and make it an annual summer thing if needed.

I'm sorry. That sucks. I wish I had answers to situations like this, but it's just hard. Is there anyway you could try to reconnect with you wife? Or will the church always be a wedge between you? Do you think she missed you?

TBH, I'm like the last person who should be giving relationship advice. I hope things will get better.

Thanks for the comments.. its bad enough that ive thought about having her submit her mission papers when we retire.. of course i would go pick her up when she was finished.

20/20hind wrote: ↑

Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:28 pm

Thanks for the comments.. its bad enough that ive thought about having her submit her mission papers when we retire.. of course i would go pick her up when she was finished.

Best idea ever!

I'm definitely going to have to communicate this the next time senior missions come up.

If I recall correctly (could be that I'm recalling incorrectly) most of the "relationship" books I've read say that "alone time" is vital to relationships.



I completely suck at relationships, so take the above advice for what it's worth: Probably about as much as you reader's paid for it...

My wife just took the kids to a camp for a week, so I am going through this too! Relationships are super complicated, especially families. I don't know your situation, but enjoying some alone time where you aren't pressured to do things you don't believe in and you don't have to be as responsible is not a response that necessarily means your relationship with your wife is bad. It's a real vacation from a lot of the hard things in life, you should enjoy it.

If you were never married and had no kids you would not be feeling this relief all the time, other things would be the hard things in life. At least that's my guess.

Im thinking of separating. I thought i could do a mixed faith marriage but i may have been wrong. The ten days alone have been the happiest in 6 years. I missed my kids and that was tough because we do a lot together. Not saying divorce. but seperation. Emotionally its sucking the life out of me. Im not the same.

20/20hind wrote: ↑

Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:35 pm

Im thinking of separating. I thought i could do a mixed faith marriage but i may have been wrong. The ten days alone have been the happiest in 6 years. I missed my kids and that was tough because we do a lot together. Not saying divorce. but seperation. Emotionally its sucking the life out of me. Im not the same.

I'm in almost the same boat; we should talk. If you still have my number, call me. If not, PM me.

The more i look at my situtaion of a mixed faith marriage its like living with someone with an addiction. Its similar in the fact that it consumes who they are and what they do on a daily basis and try to get others involved. It makes them feel good. Its understandable why it consumes them and refuse to see alternate views because they have such a support group keeping them in it. Addiction to Mormonism is not viewed by mormons as a negative thing. Hell its encouraged.

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I have tried to get her into rehab but she refuses to see she has a problem..jk on that one..

20/20hind wrote: ↑

Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I would add - it's not healthy emotionally at all, for anyone involved.

I like your addiction analogy.

It's also like living with a third grader when you've recently graduated from high school and are ready to move out to college and conquer the world.

You've grown up. She hasn't.

I'm sorry, i know it's hard. Sending a digital fist bump and bro hug

I'm the same way. I kind of like it when the wife takes the kids to Utah to see relatives for a week or two. And we have a pretty good relationship. I just like doing whatever I want, when I want to. Then she comes home and I have to be responsible again.

Good luck!

GoodBoy wrote: ↑

Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:38 pm

I'm the same way. I kind of like it when the wife takes the kids to Utah to see relatives for a week or two. And we have a pretty good relationship. I just like doing whatever I want, when I want to. Then she comes home and I have to be responsible again.

Good luck!

Yep, the occasional girls night out or trip on my wife's part is something I enjoy. If she was gone half the year (or even for a month or two) it would suck, but the occasional absence? It's nice to be able to watch shows on the TV without concern that I'm hogging it or that she doesn't want to listen to some Twitch stream and basically driving her to retreat to the bedroom. Or cook something up that she's not the biggest fan of, or enjoy a beer on the couch in the evening (instead of in my man cave), or going on a trip to a nearby city or even hitting up a restaurant I know she wouldn't like without feeling like I'm 'stealing' together time to do it.

This is a really valid concern, and the thought that occurs to me is that it could be an indicator that the marriage isn't working. Or, it could be an indicator that the marriage is one that is going to require more self care than you're currently getting, and adjusting some things could help dramatically.

For me, in my fairly long and mostly happy marriage, my happiness levels increase when spouse man takes the kids away for 3-4 days once or twice a year. He also takes a few trips per year with friends and not us. I do miss them at the same time I don't.

In my professional practice, it seems that marriages are really dependent on a lot of individualized self care. If it's affordable, it seems to work really well for couples to have one kid free vacation per year, and each take one spouse and kid free week or weekend as well.

Sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Hats off to you for hanging in there as long as you have. There's no way I could have done it to the extent that you have. I shared what you wrote with my wife in order to maybe get some insight from her. Her question was if you had shared with her where you really are? In other words, does she fully get that you have reached your breaking point and why?

Maybe there's something in this blogpost that might help you in getting her to understand why the church (and all its accompanying Morming) is so toxic for you.

https://medium.com/@brynnetg/they-can-l ... 98cc12d399

20/20hind wrote: ↑

Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm

The more i look at my situtaion of a mixed faith marriage its like living with someone with an addiction. Its similar in the fact that it consumes who they are and what they do on a daily basis and try to get others involved. It makes them feel good. Its understandable why it consumes them and refuse to see alternate views because they have such a support group keeping them in it. Addiction to Mormonism is not viewed by mormons as a negative thing. Hell its encouraged.

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I have tried to get her into rehab but she refuses to see she has a problem..jk on that one..

It can be really frustrating. I've been there and feel for you.
And it's tough to distinguish between the marriage & Mormonism - they're so intertwined.

In my situation, there are times when things are going well - but other times (like lately), when I make mental plans about separating or divorcing. Relationships are ups & downs by nature. Still, sometimes when we've been apart, I've also been happier - and can't help but wonder if it really would be better to split. No doubt, it would cause other new problems - but would it be better overall or not? Who knows.

Good points about it being an addiction - and how the church encourages it. If you said that to a TBM, they'd look at you like you were 1 card short of a full deck. But I think it might be a helpful way to look at it when things get a little crazy.

Hermey wrote: ↑

Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:19 pm

Sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Hats off to you for hanging in there as long as you have. There's no way I could have done it to the extent that you have. I shared what you wrote with my wife in order to maybe get some insight from her. Her question was if you had shared with her where you really are? In other words, does she fully get that you have reached your breaking point and why?

Maybe there's something in this blogpost that might help you in getting her to understand why the church (and all its accompanying Morming) is so toxic for you.

https://medium.com/@brynnetg/they-can-l ... 98cc12d399

Hey Hermey..

No i haven't communicated where im at with her because every time i try to talk to her about it she gets very defensive and starts lashing out at me regarding things she has issues with. So my life seriously fu$*ing sucks right now. If i just go along with what ever she wants to do about kids, or church im safe. Other wise i have my ass handed to me.

Newme wrote: ↑

Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:49 pm

20/20hind wrote: ↑

Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 pm

The more i look at my situtaion of a mixed faith marriage its like living with someone with an addiction. Its similar in the fact that it consumes who they are and what they do on a daily basis and try to get others involved. It makes them feel good. Its understandable why it consumes them and refuse to see alternate views because they have such a support group keeping them in it. Addiction to Mormonism is not viewed by mormons as a negative thing. Hell its encouraged.

For an exmormon that can be a challenge to live with on a daily basis. The more i want to be away from it the more she doubles down on the mormon stuff. Its not healthy emotionally at all.

I have tried to get her into rehab but she refuses to see she has a problem..jk on that one..

It can be really frustrating. I've been there and feel for you.
And it's tough to distinguish between the marriage & Mormonism - they're so intertwined.

In my situation, there are times when things are going well - but other times (like lately), when I make mental plans about separating or divorcing. Relationships are ups & downs by nature. Still, sometimes when we've been apart, I've also been happier - and can't help but wonder if it really would be better to split. No doubt, it would cause other new problems - but would it be better overall or not? Who knows.

Good points about it being an addiction - and how the church encourages it. If you said that to a TBM, they'd look at you like you were 1 card short of a full deck. But I think it might be a helpful way to look at it when things get a little crazy.

Its tough bro.. im ok if i shut my mouth and dont talk to my kids about who i am and what i believe. Im at my breaking point of just letting go and starting a new chapter in life..