DW Sent me Home from Church

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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Linked
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DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Linked » Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:19 am

My wife and I teach the sunbeams. Yesterday I took a turn teaching the lesson on being kind to animals. The 4 kids were good and had a good time. After I finished my DW sincerely asked if I wanted to go home for the third hour, and said that she would take care of Sharing Time. It was nice of her.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Enoch Witty
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Enoch Witty » Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:20 am

Oh, nice. I thought it was going to be because you said something objectionable. :lol: Nice work, Linked.

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Linked
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Linked » Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:14 am

Enoch Witty wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:20 am
Oh, nice. I thought it was going to be because you said something objectionable. :lol: Nice work, Linked.
Haha, I thought that might be assumed. This post was inspired by your request for positive things about DW. She is trying to be a good person, and she is. But life can twist things so it is hard to see up from down.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Emower
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Emower » Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:43 am

That is cool. It seems like an olive branch to me. Maybe a start to being able to tolerate your needs. Make sure to reciprocate.

Korihor
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Korihor » Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:45 am

Emower wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:43 am
That is cool. It seems like an olive branch to me. Maybe a start to being able to tolerate your needs. Make sure to reciprocate.
This
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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Linked
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Linked » Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:15 am

Emower wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:43 am
That is cool. It seems like an olive branch to me. Maybe a start to being able to tolerate your needs. Make sure to reciprocate.
That makes sense, and is a good idea. What does reciprocation look like?

I already encourage her to go to whatever meetings she wants, I even suggested she should go to super Saturday last week if she wanted (she didn't) and not to worry about me and the kids.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

Korihor
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Korihor » Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:14 pm

Linked wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:15 am
What does reciprocation look like?
When you figure it out, let us know. My suggestions (which are probably wrong)

Do the dishes on night she goes out to RS/random ward activity. This is not Linked's night off, but a chance to shine.
Compliment her on her dress/appearance when she goes to church next sunday
As hard as it is, suggest one of the kids say grace at dinner next time. Maybe coach them what to say - follow the basic LDS model, but don't pray for stuff you dont like.

Be simple and sincere. She knows you're unhappy about the church, don't be fake just engage/support the parts you can.

Ask her how her RS meeting went. Don't fish for stuff to criticize, just talk with her.

Tell her thanks for doing a great job taking care of the kids. Take out her car to run an errand and fill it up with gas on the way home. Tell her you filled it up so she'll be ready for the next day's errands.

Fold the laundry how she likes it to be folded

Reciprocating doesn't need to be church related, but it can. Just keep being an awesome husband. She'll feel connected to you.
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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Linked
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Linked » Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:20 am

Korihor wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:14 pm
Linked wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:15 am
What does reciprocation look like?
When you figure it out, let us know. My suggestions (which are probably wrong)

Do the dishes on night she goes out to RS/random ward activity. This is not Linked's night off, but a chance to shine.
Compliment her on her dress/appearance when she goes to church next sunday
As hard as it is, suggest one of the kids say grace at dinner next time. Maybe coach them what to say - follow the basic LDS model, but don't pray for stuff you dont like.

Be simple and sincere. She knows you're unhappy about the church, don't be fake just engage/support the parts you can.

Ask her how her RS meeting went. Don't fish for stuff to criticize, just talk with her.

Tell her thanks for doing a great job taking care of the kids. Take out her car to run an errand and fill it up with gas on the way home. Tell her you filled it up so she'll be ready for the next day's errands.

Fold the laundry how she likes it to be folded

Reciprocating doesn't need to be church related, but it can. Just keep being an awesome husband. She'll feel connected to you.
My first thought for reciprocation was to support her in her beliefs. So I guess right now that means be more careful when showing any disdain for things church related. I like your list too. My son found his BoM that his Sunbeam teachers gave him last night and he wanted to read so we read together, and I didn't say anything negative. Maybe I'll get there someday...
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Enoch Witty
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Enoch Witty » Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:31 am

Korihor wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:14 pm
Fold the laundry how she likes it to be folded
Dude, is that even possible? Laundry folding is hard.

Korihor
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Korihor » Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:58 am

Enoch Witty wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:31 am
Korihor wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:14 pm
Fold the laundry how she likes it to be folded
Dude, is that even possible? Laundry folding is hard.
no, it's not possible. But you get partial credit for making an attempt. Sometimes, if she's in a good mood.
Reading can severely damage your ignorance.

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Emower
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Emower » Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:25 pm

Linked wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:15 am
That makes sense, and is a good idea. What does reciprocation look like?

I already encourage her to go to whatever meetings she wants, I even suggested she should go to super Saturday last week if she wanted (she didn't) and not to worry about me and the kids.
Ha. Yeah, I was hoping that you wouldnt ask and I would not have to reveal that I really dont know what I am talking about...

Here are some suggestions, keep in mind that these are things I should probably do and not just suggest. Maybe other people could contribute too.

Do a family night, teach it your way. Plan it all out. Make it fun. Make it the best damn family night you have ever done.
Offer to teach the lesson and let her go to SS. Or let her go home from church.
Give her a gift card to a clothing store and send her away. (dont make any comments about what kind of skanky underwear she could buy, I think my wife gets tired of those comments...)
Korihor has some great stuff. I like the suggestion of asking about church stuff with " a sincere heart and real intent." Show some genuine interest. Some times we just want to debate, she may want to just talk at you.
Cook dinner.

Someone on here talks about how the ultimate way to show that leaving mormonism behind is not bad is obviously to live a good and better life. I think from your posts part of her anguish is fear of the future. Fear that happiness is no longer going to be a part of the equation. So focus on being a good father and a good husband. I realize that much of that happiness is tied up in eternal expectations that you no longer are interested in fulfilling. But immediate happiness focuses on day-to-day expectations. Show her that it is possible. You may want to put some of your desires on hold through this (e.g. drinking at home or out with friends, her not wearing garments, coffee, etc). Some of the values Mormons espouse are great. Focus on those as you try to support her.

Wonderment
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Re: DW Sent me Home from Church

Post by Wonderment » Mon Oct 02, 2017 7:44 pm

Someone on here talks about how the ultimate way to show that leaving mormonism behind is not bad is obviously to live a good and better life. I think from your posts part of her anguish is fear of the future. Fear that happiness is no longer going to be a part of the equation. So focus on being a good father and a good husband. I realize that much of that happiness is tied up in eternal expectations that you no longer are interested in fulfilling. But immediate happiness focuses on day-to-day expectations. Show her that it is possible. You may want to put some of your desires on hold through this (e.g. drinking at home or out with friends, her not wearing garments, coffee, etc). Some of the values Mormons espouse are great. Focus on those as you try to support her.
Very true. Mormons do not have a lock on living a life of integrity, kindness, thoughtfulness, or service to others. Once she realizes that, I think a lot of her fears and anger will dissipate. JMO -- Wndr.

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