Marital First Aid for Exmo/Questioner Couple

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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profit_seizer
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Marital First Aid for Exmo/Questioner Couple

Post by profit_seizer » Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:17 am

Hi, I'm temple-married, 10 years, 3 kids, with a questioner who has decided to stay despite not believing the church is there only true one. I don't attend at all anymore and have no interest in going back. She takes the kids every week and has a temple recommend (I was going to sac mtg to help with the kids but basically have stopped because she was giving hints that it wasn't necessary.) She feels like her Mormon identity is not something she can give up and after two of her three brothers left the church, she also feels like not going would break her mother's heart. I feel like the church is harmful and that taking the kids is doing them a disservice. I hope my kids don't serve missions; I hope the people they choose to love aren't active members. She's on board with the movement to end bishops' 1:1 interviews with youth, but this means she just wants to be in the room. She's hurting a lot because I want a clean break. She feels like she has no one to talk to. I would love to hook her up with any groups for active non-TBM sorts in mixed marriages. Or anything else! Thoughts? Thanks.

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"The history of human thought recalls the swinging of a pendulum which takes centuries to swing. After a long period of slumber comes a moment of awakening." —Peter Kropotkin

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Corsair
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Re: Marital First Aid for Exmo/Questioner Couple

Post by Corsair » Tue Sep 04, 2018 9:03 am

There are a lot of mixed-faith marriages on NOM, but the faithful side of the partnerships rarely want to interact. I suspect that the faithful spouse does not want to make their status more "real" by seeing other people with that status. It's unfortunate because so many faithful spouses are emotionally suffering in silence and they could use some support.

Going to a bishop simply does not fulfil those needs. This is partially because the bishop can rarely do anything to bring the doubting spouse back to belief. Unfortunately, a bishop can make the situation worse by revoking temple recommends of closet unbelievers who have just been unearthed. Bishops have a lot of power to stop fathers from baptizing and ordaining children as well as parents attending weddings.

This is a problem and I don't have a good solution. I have remained active and flown under the radar for quite a long time now. My wife seems largely stable with our relationship and the fact that I don't believe. But I allow her to keep up the image of having a classic LDS marriage and she doesn't inquire further. Yes, I have a current temple recommend. No, I don't pay tithing. Yes, the LDS church has made me into an inveterate liar.

May I carefully ask where you live? I am in Arizona and have my own informal group of mixed faith support. It's painful that I cannot really assist my wife similarly. There are resources like Mormon Spectrum that can help locate people in varous stages of belief.

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profit_seizer
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Re: Marital First Aid for Exmo/Questioner Couple

Post by profit_seizer » Tue Sep 04, 2018 11:53 am

I'm in Portland (though we were in Phoenix 5 years ago!). I found this group through Mormon Spectrum. Maybe I can find a different mormon group for her through it too (maybe one that's like liberal but still believing-ish), and maybe that would help. I have already basically given up everything else and I just can't suffer through the three-hour block anymore, so the image is definitely already shattered. I was chill getting those temple recommends renewed but in the last round of expiries I just didn't do it and I don't think I ever will again. Thanks for the response, I think this has gotten me headed the right direction.
"The history of human thought recalls the swinging of a pendulum which takes centuries to swing. After a long period of slumber comes a moment of awakening." —Peter Kropotkin

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