DW wants to see LDS Family Services - Feel like I'm at a breaking point

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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Emower
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Re: DW wants to see LDS Family Services - Feel like I'm at a breaking point

Post by Emower » Mon Nov 26, 2018 2:30 pm

aoirselvar wrote:
Thu Nov 22, 2018 9:44 am
I’ve heard that’s about the best your going to get when in this situation.
Probably. I find it hard to be satisfied with this, especially when I read or hear about other stories where the spouse will agree and they can be on the same page. But honestly, in what world is a spouse ever on the same page about everything? I think I would rather be on different spiritual pages than on different spending pages, or debt pages, or kid raising pages, the list could go on.
Hagoth wrote:
Thu Nov 22, 2018 11:27 pm
Also, she needs to feel safe. If she thinks lowering her guard will result in a barrage of scary information she will try to keep the shields at full power. Once my wife felt comfortable that I wasn't waiting to pounce at every opportunity we were able to talk about just about anything. She discovered that she could recognize BS in the church without having to give up beliefs that are important to her.
Cant agree with that enough. I have done a poor job at this. However, it is pretty difficult when she does not agree with what is BS. That might mean that the beliefs that are important to one spouse are painful to the other.

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jfro18
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Re: DW wants to see LDS Family Services - Feel like I'm at a breaking point

Post by jfro18 » Wed Nov 28, 2018 12:44 pm

Hagoth wrote:
Thu Nov 22, 2018 11:27 pm
Also, she needs to feel safe. If she thinks lowering her guard will result in a barrage of scary information she will try to keep the shields at full power. Once my wife felt comfortable that I wasn't waiting to pounce at every opportunity we were able to talk about just about anything. She discovered that she could recognize BS in the church without having to give up beliefs that are important to her.
Yeah I think that's really what it comes down to. She knows that if she lets her guard down she will be hit with information that she knows deep down isn't "wrong" even if it's not necessarily going to break her shelf.

And the problem is that every time I get into anything specific (I can mention polygamy as a practice but the moment I get into specifics why it was abused or just wrong) she shuts things down.

So we'll see what happens with doing couples therapy. I really like the therapist and she says that she basically just wants to facilitate and then work on bringing both of our guards down to communicate better, and to get to the bottom of why DW fears in listening and what I fear in her (and our kid) continuing to go.

I'm really anxious about it for a number of reasons... and I don't know who to have watch our kid since I don't want to tell my family it's for marriage counseling, but I think it will be worth the shot.

Reuben
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Re: DW wants to see LDS Family Services - Feel like I'm at a breaking point

Post by Reuben » Wed Nov 28, 2018 7:44 pm

jfro18 wrote:
Wed Nov 28, 2018 12:44 pm
So we'll see what happens with doing couples therapy. I really like the therapist and she says that she basically just wants to facilitate and then work on bringing both of our guards down to communicate better, and to get to the bottom of why DW fears in listening and what I fear in her (and our kid) continuing to go.
That sounds really good, man. I hope it works out for you.

All this bullshit always comes down to fear. Deep down, believers are terrified of people who used to believe. We might say something that finally puts a dent in that old "armor of God." So that huge believing institution fears just a few of its own, and starts stampeding like an elephant threatened by a mouse. And because it's so big (to us) and has hurt us already, we're afraid, too.

It's frustrating on both sides. It's tiring. We're both thinking, "If only they would just open their eyes, we could be done with this." But you can't change a mind about something this important quickly, and in the meantime, there's fear.

The only way out is listening and understanding. It sounds like your therapist has that covered. It'll be great.
You were born to trust, not fear. It is your birthright.

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