Came out to my mom

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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Thoughtful
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Came out to my mom

Post by Thoughtful » Fri Nov 23, 2018 7:18 pm

And it went well. She asked a question about our strained relationship with my pedophile defending inlaws. I said it's pretty quiet right now but.... and backpedaled, explained that we're out, and finished with that its not going to be pretty when the ILs find out.

I said I want to have a bootleg baptism for my primary age child, not affiliated with church, but I worry Spouseman might be shamed, threatened, or disciplined if the ward finds out, or my ILs. I said if we do it, I would want her to attend.

She said my brother wants to attend, and bring his kids, but she didn't know if we'd have one. My brother is nuanced, has read Bushman. I think he hasn't dug deeper because it would be a problem for his wife.

Somewhere in there I said I know the church works for her and Dad, and I'm happy for them. I said it traumatized me, and became unsafe for my family, but that doesn't mean it's bad for everyone. She confessed to having a shelf and not minding having one.

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Corsair
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Corsair » Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:56 am

Talking to your parents about your faith transition is never easy. It can break some fundamental relationships that might never get mended.

I held off talking to my mother about the details of my own transition. She knew there was something going on, but I continued going to church and doing many of the outward practices. And then she passed away. But at our last meeting, she finished her mortality with some assurance that while her son was not an orthodox believer, he was at least on a path that seemed functional.

Arcturus
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Arcturus » Sun Nov 25, 2018 4:48 pm

Good luck Thoughtful for when you have the discussion with the ILs. To our surprise, my DW's parents took it rather well and we discovered that they have a very nuanced view of the church - attending for the benefit of a faith community only w/ no hats hanging on exclusive priesthood authority, etc. My parents, however, lost their minds. My mom told my DW that I was under the influence of Satan and should go to the Bishop so he could exorcise the evil spirit from me :lol:

Relationship with my parents hasn't been the same since... damn the unhealthy characteristics of Mormonism and what it does to families.
“How valuable is a faith that is dependent on the maintenance of ignorance? If faith can only thrive in the absence of the knowledge of its origins, history, and competing theological concepts, then what is it we really have to hold on to?”
D Brisbin

Thoughtful
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Thoughtful » Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:32 pm

Arcturus wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 4:48 pm
Good luck Thoughtful for when you have the discussion with the ILs. To our surprise, my DW's parents took it rather well and we discovered that they have a very nuanced view of the church - attending for the benefit of a faith community only w/ no hats hanging on exclusive priesthood authority, etc. My parents, however, lost their minds. My mom told my DW that I was under the influence of Satan and should go to the Bishop so he could exorcise the evil spirit from me :lol:

Relationship with my parents hasn't been the same since... damn the unhealthy characteristics of Mormonism and what it does to families.

Thank you. I understand how awful it is, I'm sorry it went badly with your parents.

My ILs are already confused and furious that we put our foot down over their knowing enabling the sexual abuse of my daughter. The church will be the last straw in our descent into the debauchery that is how they see our attack against their family circus of enmeshment and dysfunction. It's something we are doing TO them, to embarrass and hurt them for literally no reason as they see it. We haven't come out, yet, but Spouseman is already getting texts about his apostate wife, and my teenagers get messages "encouraging" them to follow their leaders over their mother. We have very little contact with them, which is good. However they claim they want to reconcile. I have no interest in them, but families are very, very difficult.

Thoughtful
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Thoughtful » Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:33 pm

And of course, why wouldn't I want to be with those psychos in the eternities? Right? Oy.

Arcturus
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Arcturus » Mon Nov 26, 2018 7:16 pm

Thoughtful wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:32 pm
We haven't come out, yet, but Spouseman is already getting texts about his apostate wife, and my teenagers get messages "encouraging" them to follow their leaders over their mother.
Ouch, this would be a hard one to deal with.
“How valuable is a faith that is dependent on the maintenance of ignorance? If faith can only thrive in the absence of the knowledge of its origins, history, and competing theological concepts, then what is it we really have to hold on to?”
D Brisbin

Thoughtful
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Thoughtful » Mon Nov 26, 2018 8:37 pm

Arcturus wrote:
Mon Nov 26, 2018 7:16 pm
Thoughtful wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:32 pm
We haven't come out, yet, but Spouseman is already getting texts about his apostate wife, and my teenagers get messages "encouraging" them to follow their leaders over their mother.
Ouch, this would be a hard one to deal with.
Aren't they just a bundle of joy?

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glass shelf
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by glass shelf » Tue Nov 27, 2018 5:46 am

Thoughtful wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:32 pm
. We haven't come out, yet, but Spouseman is already getting texts about his apostate wife, and my teenagers get messages "encouraging" them to follow their leaders over their mother. We have very little contact with them, which is good. However they claim they want to reconcile. I have no interest in them, but families are very, very difficult.
What is Spouseman and the teens' reactions to this.

For the record, I'm a hard boundary setter, and I'd block my in-laws numbers from my kids' phones if they were sending stuff like that.

Thoughtful
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Thoughtful » Tue Nov 27, 2018 5:35 pm

glass shelf wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 5:46 am
Thoughtful wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:32 pm
. We haven't come out, yet, but Spouseman is already getting texts about his apostate wife, and my teenagers get messages "encouraging" them to follow their leaders over their mother. We have very little contact with them, which is good. However they claim they want to reconcile. I have no interest in them, but families are very, very difficult.
What is Spouseman and the teens' reactions to this.

For the record, I'm a hard boundary setter, and I'd block my in-laws numbers from my kids' phones if they were sending stuff like that.
They think it's obnoxious. One teen won't have anything to do with them. One is polite but minimal in interactions. Spouseman confronts it directly and is clear it's unacceptable and damages their relationship with him.

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slavereeno
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by slavereeno » Tue Nov 27, 2018 9:10 pm

Glad to hear it went well with you Mom.

My parent lost their *stuffing when they found out. Dad wondered if he would ever be happy again. Mom convinces herself I am on the verge of coming back because I keep my mouth shut about my "struggling with doubts."

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jfro18
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by jfro18 » Wed Nov 28, 2018 12:46 pm

It's really weird seeing how varied the reactions are to kids who leave... I don't know what it means but I think as more and more people leave the reactions will begin to soften as people are exposed to it from others in their wards/etc.

Glad it went well - to start at that point is so great to maintaining a relationship that doesn't get bogged down. I wish that for everyone who leaves and has to talk to their parents about it. :)

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Dravin
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Re: Came out to my mom

Post by Dravin » Thu Nov 29, 2018 1:48 pm

Arcturus wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 4:48 pm
My mom told my DW that I was under the influence of Satan and should go to the Bishop so he could exorcise the evil spirit from me :lol:
I think the truly sad thing is the people who make those kind of comments don't see how completely and utterly insane they come across when they make them. It's just normal for their world view, like advising you to go to the dentist for a tooth ache.
Hindsight is all well and good... until you trip.

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