I told my husband

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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MerrieMiss
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I told my husband

Post by MerrieMiss » Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:02 am

My husband knows I don't believe the church is true. He's taking it pretty hard, although he said he's suspected as much for a long time and he didn't ask because he didn't really want to know. I think he's grieving for the life he thought he was going to have and realizes it will now be different than he expected.

I feel kind of bad for this, because I know he's in a lot of pain right now, but I feel good. A burden is gone. Of course, I processed all this years ago. I had days of crying, grief, depression, fear, isolation, and wondering how I could ever raise children without the church. I remembering watching my oldest go to Sunbeams for the first time, sitting in the back of the room and watching him sing songs and sit in a tiny chair, and I walked out sobbing because he was going into Primary where he would be told things I didn't believe, things that weren't true, and ultimately that his mom is a bad person because she doesn't conform to the church. Time has gone on and I've come to terms with most of it. I'm not happy about a lot of it, but I can accept that life isn't always what you want or expect. I'm hoping my husband just needs time to process and that I can be supportive while that lasts.

I keep telling him that it's okay and we can make things work out, but he just doesn't see it. It makes me angry all over again at how divisive the church is with families.
The true opposite of order is not disorder but freedom. Most profoundly, the true opposite of control is not chaos but self-control. -Jay Griffiths

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græy
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Re: I told my husband

Post by græy » Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:10 am

I'm sorry for how hard this is. Its a cruel irony that confessing something like this relieves such weight from our shoulders while simultaneously throwing so much of it on our spouse's head.

It sounds like you're reassuring him while giving him time to mourn the lost ideal he held on to. I hope he is as understanding for you too.
I'm better than dirt... well most dirt. Not that fancy store bought stuff, I can't compete with that... full of nutrients and everything. -Moe Sizlack

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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: I told my husband

Post by FiveFingerMnemonic » Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:14 am

Only an institution like ours makes confessing unbelief or lost belief akin to confessing to murder or adultery.

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Linked
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Re: I told my husband

Post by Linked » Tue Jan 15, 2019 11:29 am

Congrats on getting it out there!! That is a huge, scary, difficult step. It sounds like you are giving him time to process. It must have been frustrating to hear that he didn't really want to know. That sounds a lot like my DW. She needed lots and lots of time, and would still prefer to just ignore it, though she rarely cries over it anymore. I hope you and your DH are able to find a way to close the divide the church is in your marriage.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Red Ryder
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Re: I told my husband

Post by Red Ryder » Tue Jan 15, 2019 11:34 am

I have nothing but respect for you MM!

Now go and get Adam to partake of this fruit! Bwahaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaw!
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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slavereeno
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Re: I told my husband

Post by slavereeno » Tue Jan 15, 2019 3:45 pm

I am happy for you, that is a lot to carry around. Hopefully your DH will be able to process and move forward. Maybe suspecting for a while softened the blow?

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crossmyheart
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Re: I told my husband

Post by crossmyheart » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:16 am

MerrieMiss wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:02 am
I keep telling him that it's okay and we can make things work out, but he just doesn't see it. It makes me angry all over again at how divisive the church is with families.
Been there. My DH struggled with the concept that he was losing me for eternity- that my salvation was at risk. I had to spend extra effort showing him I was still in love with him and still in the marriage for the long haul. It took a while for him to see that our marriage didn't change- we were still unified in parenting and in life. Sometimes you can make that platitude that "it will all get answered in the eternities" work to your advantage.
FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:14 am
Only an institution like ours makes confessing unbelief or lost belief akin to confessing to murder or adultery.
Seriously! My own mother said it would be easier for her if I had died rather than lose my testimony... :shock: Gee, thanks mom! :roll:

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MerrieMiss
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Re: I told my husband

Post by MerrieMiss » Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:33 pm

græy wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:10 am
I'm sorry for how hard this is. Its a cruel irony that confessing something like this relieves such weight from our shoulders while simultaneously throwing so much of it on our spouse's head.

It sounds like you're reassuring him while giving him time to mourn the lost ideal he held on to. I hope he is as understanding for you too.
I had no idea that putting this out in the open would make me feel so good. I was so happy on Tuesday my youngest kid was looking at me like he didn't know who I was; it was great.
Linked wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 11:29 am
Congrats on getting it out there!! That is a huge, scary, difficult step. It sounds like you are giving him time to process. It must have been frustrating to hear that he didn't really want to know. That sounds a lot like my DW. She needed lots and lots of time, and would still prefer to just ignore it, though she rarely cries over it anymore. I hope you and your DH are able to find a way to close the divide the church is in your marriage.
I had always planned out this conversation and thought it would be perfectly timed, I would have a speech prepared or some such nonsense. My husband has been very grumpy recently, not at all himself, and he finally just lost it Monday night. he went on and on about my garments and I finally said, "You know, you tell me you're unhappy I stopped wearing them but you never ask why." And that's when he said maybe he knew the answer and didn't want to know and that's when I told him. I didn't deluge him with reasons or facts, I just empathized and listened. I think we're past the ignoring it phase - that's what the past several years have been all about!
Red Ryder wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 11:34 am
I have nothing but respect for you MM!

Now go and get Adam to partake of this fruit! Bwahaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaw!
Thanks! It does feel like I have a doctrinal duty to open his eyes, but I'm sure he doesn't see it that way
slavereeno wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 3:45 pm
I am happy for you, that is a lot to carry around. Hopefully your DH will be able to process and move forward. Maybe suspecting for a while softened the blow?
Definitely. I should have told him a long time ago. I should have included him in my journey and there are 100 reasons I didn't, some legitimate and other excuses grounded in fear. But I have used the past few years to prepare him, to try to have "What do you think about...?" type conversations, and I think that's put us in a place that's better to have these discussions. Also, because I decided the church definitely wasn't true in 2014, I've had a long time to process it so while the church still makes me angry from time to time, it's been a lot easier to sit back and listen to my DH without getting defensive or feeling like I have to pile on the reasons, or push the CES letter in his face, call it a cult, etc. That has perhaps been the most helpful thing about delaying the conversation.
crossmyheart wrote:
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:16 am
Been there. My DH struggled with the concept that he was losing me for eternity- that my salvation was at risk. I had to spend extra effort showing him I was still in love with him and still in the marriage for the long haul. It took a while for him to see that our marriage didn't change- we were still unified in parenting and in life. Sometimes you can make that platitude that "it will all get answered in the eternities" work to your advantage.

I don't know if I should be hurt by this, but he's never mentioned the thought of losing me in the eternities or worry over my soul. I asked him about it, and he said he wasn't concerned about it. So he either has a more broad, universalist idea of redemption or he is just looking for his next wife. He has bought into the very black and white narrative the church provides that says marry someone with the same beliefs or your marriage will not work. He thinks our children will be conflicted and have to chose sides. He simply cannot see any way for us to have different beliefs and positive family relationships.
The true opposite of order is not disorder but freedom. Most profoundly, the true opposite of control is not chaos but self-control. -Jay Griffiths

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MerrieMiss
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Re: I told my husband

Post by MerrieMiss » Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:43 pm

All things considered, things are going better than I would have expected. He was very upset the first night and I was watching the clock wondering how long this pain would last. He initially said I was offended and listed things that people have done over the years that I haven't liked, so we had to tackle that.

Within 24 hours though, he brought home a bouquet of flowers for me, and I left him a small gift - brand new garments for him with a note that said I love him just the way he is - and we had some very good talks about his fears and my issues. It is the most emotionally connected I have felt to him in a very, very long time.

What is so hard about this for me is that I have been pushing to have us communicate for a very long time. We would have an argument, or rather, I would start one and he would stonewall or refuse to participate. I'd say that it was just piling up, we were going to have to deal with this stuff, that I didn't feel connected, and none of that mattered. But in the past little while, he decided that we weren't connected and we needed to tackle this stuff. You really can't force someone into anything.

He's upset my parents know and he didn't. The truth is, I suspected my parents were NOM, so I asked and that's why they know. My husband feels very alone and wishes he had someone to talk to, but he can't tell his family or his friends. He doesn't want to see a therapist but agrees the bishop does not need to get involved.

He's told me he loves me, but he's very concerned about what his parents will think of me. I don't care what they think of me, I'm past that point. I care how they treat our children. He just doesn't want his family talking crap about me.

He listened to a podcast interviewing Matthew Bowman yesterday on correlation. Today he bought Rough Stone Rolling. I don't know where this will take us, but I'm glad we're moving forward.
The true opposite of order is not disorder but freedom. Most profoundly, the true opposite of control is not chaos but self-control. -Jay Griffiths

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deacon blues
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Re: I told my husband

Post by deacon blues » Fri Jan 18, 2019 4:01 pm

Buying "Rough Stone Rolling" sounds like a good step. Hopefully your husband doesn't double down and get twice as active in an effort to overcome your loss of faith. I think your "I love you just as you are" gift was really sweet. Best Wishes to you both for a happy future.
God is Love. God is Truth

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redjay
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Re: I told my husband

Post by redjay » Fri Jan 18, 2019 4:23 pm

MerrieMiss wrote:
Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:43 pm
Within 24 hours though, he brought home a bouquet of flowers for me, and I left him a small gift - brand new garments for him with a note that said I love him just the way he is - and we had some very good talks about his fears and my issues. It is the most emotionally connected I have felt to him in a very, very long time,
Love this
At the halfway home. I'm a full-grown man. But I'm not afraid to cry.

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crossmyheart
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Re: I told my husband

Post by crossmyheart » Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:47 pm

MerrieMiss wrote:
Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:33 pm
I don't know if I should be hurt by this, but he's never mentioned the thought of losing me in the eternities or worry over my soul. I asked him about it, and he said he wasn't concerned about it. So he either has a more broad, universalist idea of redemption or he is just looking for his next wife. He has bought into the very black and white narrative the church provides that says marry someone with the same beliefs or your marriage will not work. He thinks our children will be conflicted and have to chose sides. He simply cannot see any way for us to have different beliefs and positive family relationships.

Give it time. Right now he probably doesn't know how to feel.

I am thrilled to hear that things have improved! What a relief for you. At least he is trying to understand.

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moksha
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Re: I told my husband

Post by moksha » Sat Jan 26, 2019 2:28 pm

MerrieMiss wrote:
Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:43 pm
He listened to a podcast interviewing Matthew Bowman yesterday on correlation. Today he bought Rough Stone Rolling. I don't know where this will take us, but I'm glad we're moving forward.
Wonder if listening to the Brother Jake Youtube videos could help him clarify his beliefs?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wwt78_vqc0 - Part 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL8pYyJmWbk - Part 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1xh011KAPM - Part 3
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

malkie
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Re: I told my husband

Post by malkie » Sun Feb 03, 2019 7:36 am

MerrieMiss wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:02 am
My husband knows I don't believe the church is true. He's taking it pretty hard, although he said he's suspected as much for a long time and he didn't ask because he didn't really want to know. I think he's grieving for the life he thought he was going to have and realizes it will now be different than he expected.

I feel kind of bad for this, because I know he's in a lot of pain right now, but I feel good. A burden is gone. Of course, I processed all this years ago. I had days of crying, grief, depression, fear, isolation, and wondering how I could ever raise children without the church. I remembering watching my oldest go to Sunbeams for the first time, sitting in the back of the room and watching him sing songs and sit in a tiny chair, and I walked out sobbing because he was going into Primary where he would be told things I didn't believe, things that weren't true, and ultimately that his mom is a bad person because she doesn't conform to the church. Time has gone on and I've come to terms with most of it. I'm not happy about a lot of it, but I can accept that life isn't always what you want or expect. I'm hoping my husband just needs time to process and that I can be supportive while that lasts.

I keep telling him that it's okay and we can make things work out, but he just doesn't see it. It makes me angry all over again at how divisive the church is with families.
MerrieMiss, I hope to be able to follow up in more detail later, but for now let me just say that things can work out.

When I told my wife that I no longer believed in the church, the first thing she said was "I don't think we can stay married."

That was 20 years ago, and we are still married, and still in love with each other.
aka malkie

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