DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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Deepthinker
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DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by Deepthinker » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:00 pm

I just need to vent.

Our oldest son, who returned home early from his mission for depression last year, is going to one of his best friend’s wedding in the next few weeks. His friend will be married in the temple.

DW was happy to point out that he is the only one of this person’s group of friends that has a temple recommend and can go to the actual wedding. She said this in front of the family, with our son present.

Our son hasn’t been to church in almost a year. He is also not paying tithing and hasn’t for some time.

I’ve been going to church consistently my entire life. I’ve also paid tithing my entire life. But, because I started paying on surplus last year, DW has given me a significant amount of grief about it. She’s told me I’m not worthy to go to the temple because of it. My changes in literal belief regarding the church has also been a point she makes about me not being worthy.

Yet, here she is saying our son who has not attended church in almost a year and has not paid tithing for longer than that is completely worthy to attend a temple wedding.

I’m very OK with our son not going to church and not paying tithing, and I’m OK with him still going to his friend’s wedding in the temple. Which is why I don’t feel like I can say anything to DW about this and why I am venting here instead. If I bring this up, I could jeopardize things with our son.

I’m just biting what tongue I have left.

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AllieOop
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by AllieOop » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:55 pm

Deepthinker wrote:I just need to vent.

Our oldest son, who returned home early from his mission for depression last year, is going to one of his best friend’s wedding in the next few weeks. His friend will be married in the temple.

DW was happy to point out that he is the only one of this person’s group of friends that has a temple recommend and can go to the actual wedding. She said this in front of the family, with our son present.

Our son hasn’t been to church in almost a year. He is also not paying tithing and hasn’t for some time.

I’ve been going to church consistently my entire life. I’ve also paid tithing my entire life. But, because I started paying on surplus last year, DW has given me a significant amount of grief about it. She’s told me I’m not worthy to go to the temple because of it. My changes in literal belief regarding the church has also been a point she makes about me not being worthy.

Yet, here she is saying our son who has not attended church in almost a year and has not paid tithing for longer than that is completely worthy to attend a temple wedding.

I’m very OK with our son not going to church and not paying tithing, and I’m OK with him still going to his friend’s wedding in the temple. Which is why I don’t feel like I can say anything to DW about this and why I am venting here instead. If I bring this up, I could jeopardize things with our son.

I’m just biting what tongue I have left.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I've got to say that I really hate the word "worthy" and the way it's thrown around and used in the church.

That word has caused a tremendous amount of pain and will continue to be used to cause even more pain :(

And...I think you're wise to not try and get into this with your wife when it involves your son too. You're in a bad spot, but I think you made the right decision here.



************************
"There came a time when the desire to know the truth about the church became stronger than the desire to know the church was true."

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MalcolmVillager
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by MalcolmVillager » Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:05 am

So sorry. Why does the church insist that it, its' leaders, and all of the members not only can, but should, judge and label everyone in our lives?!

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Corsair
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by Corsair » Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:43 am

Deepthinker wrote:I’m very OK with our son not going to church and not paying tithing, and I’m OK with him still going to his friend’s wedding in the temple. Which is why I don’t feel like I can say anything to DW about this and why I am venting here instead. If I bring this up, I could jeopardize things with our son.
This is a tough situation. Good luck with your wife and son.

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Newme
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by Newme » Sat Dec 03, 2016 3:02 pm

DeepThinker,
It's very understandable that you feel wronged - put down.
I've been in your situation - though we got passed the tithing thing - we compromised.
Considering my own internal process of situations like this, I tend to believe my DH when he puts me down in front of or to others simply for not believing as they do. A part of me knows he doesn't realize how fooled he is, but another part feels like I am less than, as he and they say. For a while, I went through depression - off and on - I mean, I'd get out of bed and do what had to be done, but it felt like living in hell. I felt so alone.

Last year, my goal was to overcome depression and increase my self esteem - to feel good about myself no matter how others esteemed me. I've actively worked on this and I feel like it's becoming better. I also talked with my DH and explained to him that I really don't want to divorce because I want our kids to grow up with both parents etc. - but I was willing to divorce if he didn't stop putting me down. I told him I felt like a part of me was dying and he was killing me spiritually. That woke him up and he got better.

Maybe you can tell your DW how you feel when she says things like she did. Help her understand where you're coming from, so she can be more careful in the future.
Deepthinker wrote:If I bring this up, I could jeopardize things with our son.
What do you mean? How would bringing this up jeopardize (what?) with your son?

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Deepthinker
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by Deepthinker » Mon Dec 05, 2016 8:08 am

Newme wrote:DeepThinker,
It's very understandable that you feel wronged - put down.
I've been in your situation - though we got passed the tithing thing - we compromised.
Considering my own internal process of situations like this, I tend to believe my DH when he puts me down in front of or to others simply for not believing as they do. A part of me knows he doesn't realize how fooled he is, but another part feels like I am less than, as he and they say. For a while, I went through depression - off and on - I mean, I'd get out of bed and do what had to be done, but it felt like living in hell. I felt so alone.

Last year, my goal was to overcome depression and increase my self esteem - to feel good about myself no matter how others esteemed me. I've actively worked on this and I feel like it's becoming better. I also talked with my DH and explained to him that I really don't want to divorce because I want our kids to grow up with both parents etc. - but I was willing to divorce if he didn't stop putting me down. I told him I felt like a part of me was dying and he was killing me spiritually. That woke him up and he got better.

Maybe you can tell your DW how you feel when she says things like she did. Help her understand where you're coming from, so she can be more careful in the future.
Deepthinker wrote:If I bring this up, I could jeopardize things with our son.
What do you mean? How would bringing this up jeopardize (what?) with your son?
I definitely know that feeling of being treated as "less than" from a spouse. Sorry you've gone through such a hard time. Fighting depression is tough. I'm glad things are better between you and your husband.

I should have clarified why I don't feel like I can tell DW about this. If I do, she could see the double standard and talk to DS about not being worthy. I don't want to jeopardize his hopes of attending his friend's wedding in the temple. Perhaps I could bring it up to her after the wedding, I don't know.

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Newme
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by Newme » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:08 pm

Deepthinker wrote:I definitely know that feeling of being treated as "less than" from a spouse. Sorry you've gone through such a hard time. Fighting depression is tough. I'm glad things are better between you and your husband.
Thanks.
I should have clarified why I don't feel like I can tell DW about this. If I do, she could see the double standard and talk to DS about not being worthy. I don't want to jeopardize his hopes of attending his friend's wedding in the temple. Perhaps I could bring it up to her after the wedding, I don't know.
I don't have kids that age yet, but it seems another way to look at this is your son could see the ugly side of the church - how it can be so exclusive and "charge money for worthiness."

Then again, if you son's going down a bad path (partying etc.) maybe he needs the opposite extreme - of high church standards.
You're call - just some thoughts.

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Enoch Witty
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Re: DS Temple Worthy, but I’m Not

Post by Enoch Witty » Wed Dec 07, 2016 8:17 am

The words "worthy" and "unworthy" are two of the most damaging in all of Mormon-dom. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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