My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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Thoughtful
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My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Thoughtful » Mon May 27, 2019 10:46 pm

They want to come "help" me when I'm on bed rest this summer. I will be down for 2-3 weeks.

They have a intensive DIY remodeling project at home and are in their sixties. So this visit is likely to be mostly them keeping me company while they recover from working too hard, their possibly running an errand here or there, and making a few meals. It's likely it will entail Spouseman making many meals for them, cleaning up after them, and shuffling kids around out of their own beds to make space.

They know I have iss. ues. with TACO J COLDS. They know I'm likely to resign.

They don't know I am collecting corks in a shadowbox in the livingroom.

Is it worth having them come? With the recent sex abuse trauma my family has suffered, I can't see my kids handling a transition well to send them to my parents house, even though my parents are 100% on our side.

Is it going to help or hinder? I know if I'm down without help, my kids will be bored and antsy. If we have guests they will be stressed and Spouseman and I may be over it.

Spouseman and I have plenty of PTO and won't be working.

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crossmyheart
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by crossmyheart » Tue May 28, 2019 10:20 am

My dad has passed away- but my mom doesn't take no for an answer when it comes to visits like this. It is a major inconvenience in many ways- the extra food, laundry, dishes, etc. But she's my mom. She and my dad worked hard and did the best they could for their family. We don't see eye to eye on most everything these days. But I want my kids to know her and have memories of time with her.

Speaking from my perspective: They want to be involved. Let them come. I have in-laws who are so busy with their own lives (aka temple work) that my children barely even know their names. For as much of a pain in the behind my mom can get, it is worth it just for my kids' sake.

As for the cork collection...I usually put my accoutrements away out of respect to her.

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glass shelf
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by glass shelf » Tue May 28, 2019 3:31 pm

I'd probably go with "no" on this trip. I'd rather people visit me when I can enjoy them than when it would be adding stress to my life while I was trying to recuperate.

This is probably colored by the "helpful" trips that my grandma made when I was a child that resulted in mass stress for my parents.

Thoughtful
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Thoughtful » Tue May 28, 2019 9:16 pm

glass shelf wrote:
Tue May 28, 2019 3:31 pm
I'd probably go with "no" on this trip. I'd rather people visit me when I can enjoy them than when it would be adding stress to my life while I was trying to recuperate.

This is probably colored by the "helpful" trips that my grandma made when I was a child that resulted in mass stress for my parents.
This resonates a lot with me. We are all introverted. Meaning it takes some quiet time to recharge our batteries, and I'll be exhausted to begin with from surgery.

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alas
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by alas » Wed May 29, 2019 4:48 pm

When I had my first baby, well there was no way my mother could fly to Berlin Germany, but as is traditional with mothers, she wanted to come “help” after my second baby. I am sorry, Mom, but it was so much more stress and trouble than the help was worth. That was the last time I allowed someone in my home when I was laid up. When I am recovering from a baby or surgery, or confined to bed with pregnancy complications, (with two toddlers) I don’t want to have to be entertaining relatives. If you have the slightest doubt that they will be more trouble than the help is worth, then don’t. Meals can be take out or fast food.

Thoughtful
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Thoughtful » Wed May 29, 2019 5:06 pm

alas wrote:
Wed May 29, 2019 4:48 pm
When I had my first baby, well there was no way my mother could fly to Berlin Germany, but as is traditional with mothers, she wanted to come “help” after my second baby. I am sorry, Mom, but it was so much more stress and trouble than the help was worth. That was the last time I allowed someone in my home when I was laid up. When I am recovering from a baby or surgery, or confined to bed with pregnancy complications, (with two toddlers) I don’t want to have to be entertaining relatives. If you have the slightest doubt that they will be more trouble than the help is worth, then don’t. Meals can be take out or fast food.
Ah, you get it! That's how I feel. I want the connection with my parents, but I feel like when I'm under the weather, and my family is stressed, maybe not the time.

And that said, I have different standards than my parents of how clean I keep things (I'm a neat freak), what kind of meals we eat, etc. So I feel like, even though beggars can't be choosers, if we are doing take out, we can eat what we want. I can hire someone to clean (actually have a regular service.)

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glass shelf
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by glass shelf » Thu May 30, 2019 2:10 pm

It's 100% okay to put your needs and comfort first.

It doesn't sound like a good time for a trip. Stock the pantry and freezer and figure out an alternate time they can come. :)

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Random
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Random » Sun Jun 09, 2019 11:13 am

Babysitter? Temporary nanny? Day care that your dh can take them to and pick them up from?

The cleaning service sounds great! And I agree with the take-out idea.
There are 2 Gods. One who created us. The other you created. The God you made up is just like you-thrives on flattery-makes you live in fear.

Believe in the God who created us. And the God you created should be abolished.
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Random
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Random » Sun Jun 09, 2019 11:18 am

By the way, there's a thing (I don't remember what it's called) where you can take time off for medical issues in regards to family, and can't be fired for doing so. A relative of mine is taking it because one of their grown kids has a serious health issue. Anyway, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to dox them. My point is, can your dh take advantage of this and take a week or two off? Or, if he could, would that mess you up financially? (I don't expect an answer about your finances; just letting you know that I know life is real and that people can freely give ideas, but that doesn't mean they will work.)
There are 2 Gods. One who created us. The other you created. The God you made up is just like you-thrives on flattery-makes you live in fear.

Believe in the God who created us. And the God you created should be abolished.
PK

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Linked
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Linked » Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:51 am

Random wrote:
Sun Jun 09, 2019 11:18 am
By the way, there's a thing (I don't remember what it's called) where you can take time off for medical issues in regards to family, and can't be fired for doing so. A relative of mine is taking it because one of their grown kids has a serious health issue. Anyway, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to dox them. My point is, can your dh take advantage of this and take a week or two off? Or, if he could, would that mess you up financially? (I don't expect an answer about your finances; just letting you know that I know life is real and that people can freely give ideas, but that doesn't mean they will work.)
If you are in the United States it is the Family Medical Leave Act, or FMLA. It allows up to 12 weeks of time off.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

Thoughtful
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Thoughtful » Thu Jun 20, 2019 10:21 pm

Random wrote:
Sun Jun 09, 2019 11:18 am
By the way, there's a thing (I don't remember what it's called) where you can take time off for medical issues in regards to family, and can't be fired for doing so. A relative of mine is taking it because one of their grown kids has a serious health issue. Anyway, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to dox them. My point is, can your dh take advantage of this and take a week or two off? Or, if he could, would that mess you up financially? (I don't expect an answer about your finances; just letting you know that I know life is real and that people can freely give ideas, but that doesn't mean they will work.)
We both have tons of time off. However, he was planning to be off all of July but the state dept rescheduled a 3 day meeting from Aug to July. He can't miss it, and as a self employed contractor in this case, FMLA doesnt apply. He will be home all but those 3 days.

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Random
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Random » Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:54 am

That's it, Linked - FMLA.

Too bad it doesn't apply to him. :( I hope you get the best solution for those three days. It seems like parents over to help would be more stress than you need, and not any help at all.
There are 2 Gods. One who created us. The other you created. The God you made up is just like you-thrives on flattery-makes you live in fear.

Believe in the God who created us. And the God you created should be abolished.
PK

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Random
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Random » Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:22 pm

Any updates? Did you tell your parents, no? If so, did you find someone who could help you?
There are 2 Gods. One who created us. The other you created. The God you made up is just like you-thrives on flattery-makes you live in fear.

Believe in the God who created us. And the God you created should be abolished.
PK

Thoughtful
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Thoughtful » Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:38 pm

Random wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:22 pm
Any updates? Did you tell your parents, no? If so, did you find someone who could help you?
They are coming. I feel a lot better about things now. Will hide my corks and heathen decor most likely.

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Random
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Re: My parental units--is a visit worth it?

Post by Random » Fri Jul 12, 2019 4:57 pm

Thanks for the update. I hope it works out great for you. <3
There are 2 Gods. One who created us. The other you created. The God you made up is just like you-thrives on flattery-makes you live in fear.

Believe in the God who created us. And the God you created should be abolished.
PK

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