DW renewed her TR by herself

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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gr8 team
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DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by gr8 team » Mon Dec 12, 2016 8:27 am

Well, yesterday sucked. DW got called in to the BP's office in the 2nd hour of church yesterday. She was in there a good 45 minutes. When she came out, her eyes were red and it was obvious she'd been crying.

A little background... I've been done with the church for several years now. I told DW everything about 3 years ago, told BP about a year ago, and told my mother about 5 months ago. So BP and DW have both known where I'm at for a while.

I think our TR's expired about July of last year. DW hasn't wanted to renew hers without me. I guess I could have just faked it and gotten a new recommend, but that didn't feel right. Since I let the BP know where I'm at, I haven't received any special attention, which has been a pleasant surprise.

Yesterday was actually the first time BP has ever had a one-on-one with my wife since he became BP about 2 years ago. He brought up that she didn't have a TR, and that was pretty much all it took for DW to get emotional. I think her not renewing was a way to not confront or not have to accept that I was done with church. But at the same time, not having a valid TR was a major concern for her. She ended up having her renewal interview right then and there and she got her new card.

When she told me afterwards what took place in her meeting with the BP, it sent me into a funk that I still am trying to get out of. My break away from the church has generally been pretty good, all things considered. There have been crappy times and there are definitely crappy times still to come, though. I'll probably have to have another in-depth conversation with DW so we can let each other know where we're at and what that means to us going forward.
"Success is my only ... option, failure's not"

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Corsair
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Re: DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by Corsair » Mon Dec 12, 2016 10:34 am

That's a tough situation. It would be one thing if we simply had to process our faith transition on our own But the LDS church has all these social, cultural, and emotional ties binding us to believers and institutions. Everything we change and decide has these roadblocks that we never fully anticipate. I usually think of myself being done with a transition, but I still am living with the tension of a dear wife that firmly believes and does not want me to be open with family or ward about my level of disbelief. It would affect her because she does not want the inevitable pity that being married to an open apostate would entail. So I still give priesthood blessings to her but entirely lie during tithing settlement and temple rec interviews.

I think a large part of our conflict with family is that inevitably we have processed through a faith transition largely on our own schedule. But our new beliefs will painfully drag our friends and family into processing a new status when they were perfectly happy with their own faith status. We are unintentionally forcing them into the painful early portions of a faith transition. Even worse, while we have some good tactics for moving towards peace and contentment, our believing family members have only the worn out, ineffective strategies of the correlation department. Time and patience should help the transition, but It is ironically much more difficult when you are a believer trying to comprehend a beloved family member turned heretic.

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Red Ryder
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Re: DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by Red Ryder » Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:58 pm

gr8 team wrote:When she told me afterwards what took place in her meeting with the BP, it sent me into a funk that I still am trying to get out of. My break away from the church has generally been pretty good, all things considered. There have been crappy times and there are definitely crappy times still to come, though. I'll probably have to have another in-depth conversation with DW so we can let each other know where we're at and what that means to us going forward.
I've been through this and it hurts. Our Bishop extended a calling to my wife and she accepted. The following Sunday she wanted to be set apart so she wandered over to his office by her self thinking the Bishopric would be doing it. Nope. Just the Bishop was there. He spent a few minutes talking to her about the calling then a few minutes talking about me and my issues. He then offered to give her a blessing and set her apart. So there they were, two adults in a closed room with the guy standing over her shoulders with his hands on her head, promising her that if she remains faithful that I'll come back to the fold. That put me in a funk because it was proof she's a church widow and it felt like they had a intimate spiritual moment.
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MerrieMiss
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Re: DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by MerrieMiss » Thu Dec 15, 2016 5:18 pm

Red Ryder wrote:I've been through this and it hurts. Our Bishop extended a calling to my wife and she accepted. The following Sunday she wanted to be set apart so she wandered over to his office by her self thinking the Bishopric would be doing it. Nope. Just the Bishop was there. He spent a few minutes talking to her about the calling then a few minutes talking about me and my issues. He then offered to give her a blessing and set her apart. So there they were, two adults in a closed room with the guy standing over her shoulders with his hands on her head, promising her that if she remains faithful that I'll come back to the fold. That put me in a funk because it was proof she's a church widow and it felt like they had a intimate spiritual moment.
That is so incredibly sad.

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Raylan Givens
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Re: DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by Raylan Givens » Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:51 pm

I had the, "just setting up an appointment because your recommend has expired," talk with BP. Let her pick some days to go to the temple when she's ready. Watch the kids, clean the house, when she gets back she will feel better...I think :?
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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No Tof
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Re: DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by No Tof » Sun Dec 18, 2016 11:48 am

MerrieMiss wrote:
Red Ryder wrote:I've been through this and it hurts. Our Bishop extended a calling to my wife and she accepted. The following Sunday she wanted to be set apart so she wandered over to his office by her self thinking the Bishopric would be doing it. Nope. Just the Bishop was there. He spent a few minutes talking to her about the calling then a few minutes talking about me and my issues. He then offered to give her a blessing and set her apart. So there they were, two adults in a closed room with the guy standing over her shoulders with his hands on her head, promising her that if she remains faithful that I'll come back to the fold. That put me in a funk because it was proof she's a church widow and it felt like they had a intimate spiritual moment.
That is so incredibly sad.

+1

This just happened to us as well. We have an agreement not to have one on ones with bishops in closed door situations so at least that part was better for me. Hope it was a bit awakening for the BP.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
Rumi

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Brent
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Re: DW renewed her TR by herself

Post by Brent » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:43 am

This is an awkward thing. I sure wouldn't create a situation where I'm behind a closed, possibly locked door (without a hostage window) with another woman--I don't think my wife would enjoy that even if she was a doctor or therapist. Unfortunately the Bishop and Stake Presidency are so revered that there's no way to effectively get her to see the other side. I simply swallow and comment "Say HI to Kurt for me". I always use the familiar and not the formal because at the end of the day I think if I treat it like visiting a male friend that eventually she may start to see it that way.

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