Mother's guilt trip mildly endearing?

[Enoch Witty]

When I was an apostate college student, my mom regularly told me that she attended the temple every single week in order to put my name on the prayer roll so that I would give up my naughty, non-WoW-abiding habits.

Unfortunately, when I got married in the temple and made a three-year go at a TBM lifestyle, she felt validated.

She lives 3000 miles away (on the west coast, whereas I'm on the east coast). I see her once every couple years, maybe once or twice a year now that my son is born and she can actually be convinced to visit us. As of a couple years ago, she knows I've again picked up an affinity for a superfluity of naughtiness, but I haven't yet opened up to her about my complete disaffection and disbelief in TSCC.

Over the last several years, I've really come to resent my mom's use of guilt as her primary parenting tool during my child, teen, and early adult years. Her telling me about the reason for her weekly temple attendance whenever she gets a chance is perfectly emblematic of this, but it was more intense as a teen, with her really laying on thick the whole "if you do [any non-Mormon thing] it will personally injure my soul and break my heart." As I've prodded a bit (via text and email) to test the waters of coming out as full-blown apostate, she has doubled down on this type of rhetoric, which sucks.

The thing is that all my resentment comes from a place of reflection and abstract thought, where I don't see my mom hardly ever but instead reflect on past events only; sometimes perhaps leaning too much toward negative events. (This is especially exacerbated as she remains as die-hard Republican as ever as I transition to basically a socialist.)

My mom has been visiting this week. She's so great with my son (he's 2.5). Her worldview is decidedly TBM with a prophet-authoritarian slant, yes, but she hasn't confronted me about my obvious lack of garments or anything else so far. Boundaries are good.

Until last night that is, when she said that after she retires, she needs to live within two hours of both a family and a temple, as she needs to continue going weekly to put my name on the prayer roll "to give up my bad habits." I felt mildly triggered by this; surprisingly mildly, honestly. After complaining to my wife consistently for years about this specific issue, I was surprised to find out that I kind of felt it was mildly endearing.

My mom is trying. She's trying to respect my boundaries and not act like she still has control over my life. She's trying to be a good person and do the right things, and unfortunately, that sometimes means following the counsel of the Mormon church at the expense of following her own conscience. She's worried about me; she's worrying about the wrong issues, in my opinion, but she's trying to do what's right.

On the other hand, much as I was surprised to not be thrown into a rage by that comment, it did distance us. We now have less common ground, with the line being drawn that my mother doesn't approve of my lifestyle. She said, "Every time you engage in your bad habit, think about the fact that I'm going to the temple to pray for you to stop," or something along those lines. She's said this before. I'd love to respond with, "Every time you pray for me to stop my bad habits, please consider that I am offering a counter-prayer that you will realize how creepy the temple is and how corrupt the church is, and that you will recognize that I have agency."

I didn't say this, though, because I don't want to break my mother's heart. At the same time, I can't be my authentic self around her. I have less of a relationship with my mom than I have at any other point in my life, and maybe that's just a part of physical distance and growing up, but it saddens me nonetheless. And while I have lots to say about her beliefs and practices, I hold my tongue out of respect. She's getting better at that on her end, I admit it, but she can never leave things completely alone. She's got to make sure I know she disapproves.

If she lived close or confronted me more aggressively, we'd have to have a more direct conversation setting some boundaries. But I was surprised to find her little quip about as endearing as it was annoying. I'm guessing that's only because I hear it infrequently these days.

This is ramble-y and long, but I'm not sorry. You're welcome for the content to help you through work or church services.

I guess I am mildly asking for advice: is it worth hurting a mother I rarely see and with whom I have relatively little relationship because of church (and political) differences distancing us, in the hopes that setting new boundaries will allow a revitalized relationship to grow? Or is it not worth rocking a relatively steady boat and hurting my mother on one of our few visits with each other merely to codify things that she largely already knows based on my actions and lack of interest in the church?

I'm certainly leaning toward letting her live the fantasy that I might someday come back, at least on this trip. If someone has a compelling reason why I should open up to my mom about my disaffection/-belief, I'd love to hear it.

[RubinHighlander]

It's a tough situation. TBM modus operandi is guilt and fear, as fed to them from the COB. How they see the world is that if you are not jumping through all the LDS hoops you are broken and need to be fixed.

As I went away from the church, my mom, who was inactive for many years, ended up going back to it. My NOM brother and I even gave her a priesthood blessing to help comfort her. This may seem very sacrilegious to some, because neither of us are believers in it, but in our minds it was for her benefit. For us it was just a silly meaningless tradition where there is no real priesthood magic voodoo. I figure I've paid enough tithing to the COB over the many years as a TBM, I have the right to comfort my mom the best way I see fit.

Although my mom does not know of my disbelief and disaffection, I do put my foot down if she gets into any of the last days narrative. I show her all the facts and figures that say it isn't so. She's a lover a rocks, like me, and although we have discussions on the true timeline of the earth, it's like she does not ever put it together with the 7k bible timeline. Sometime I might ask her about that, but for now its more about helping her keep in a happy state of mind as she lives alone and we are three hours away.

My DW's mom also raised her kids on guilt and fear and it's really impacted my DW. Most religions operate this way, as well as governments and media outlets and it's downright unhealthy for the human species!

There may come a day when I have to come clean with my mom on where I am with the church, but for now, it's more beneficial for her that she doesn't know. Then I'd be in a situation like Enoch where she's putting my name in the temple and trying to fix me!

[Red Ryder]

I guess I am mildly asking for advice: is it worth hurting a mother I rarely see and with whom I have relatively little relationship because of church (and political) differences distancing us, in the hopes that setting new boundaries will allow a revitalized relationship to grow? Or is it not worth rocking a relatively steady boat and hurting my mother on one of our few visits with each other merely to codify things that she largely already knows based on my actions and lack of interest in the church?

I tried to have an honest conversation with my mom when she called and asked me how my testimony was. Or was it when she called to ask if I wear my garments? Or was it when she called to tell me she made copies of every mission letter written home? Or when she called to tell me she was putting my name on every temple roll on the west coast? Or when she called to ask if I was reading my scriptures every day?

I realized she didn't want to know my concerns or status. She just wanted to be reassured that I was checking the boxes so that there wouldn't be any empty chairs in the next life.

She would take my disaffection personally as a total failure on HER part. She would rewind the last 40 something years and come down with the worst case of rear view mirror syndrome you've ever seen. Her successful life and ALL of her accomplishments would become worthless as well as my own accomplishments. Why? Because no other success can compensate for a failure in the home.

I don't want or need her to worry about my eternal salvation. She needs to live the rest of her remaining years in a tightly wrapped mormon bubble and die with dignity knowing (thinking) all of her children are faithful members of her church.

I'm not going to be responsible for destroying her life nearly 70 years after it began. Not over Joseph Smith and Mormonism. Not over fairy tales and cultural traditions passed down from generation to generation. The benefit to me isn't worth the cost to her.

[Linked]

Thanks for posting this Enoch, I am wondering how to approach this with my mom too. My parents are old, not on their deathbed but their minds are slowing down. I may have missed the time when they could have processed my disaffection, so it may be time for me to just say nothing. My parents don't ask many questions about our activity or my testimony because they assume all is well in zion, I imagine it would be very annoying to be regularly berated about the way you choose to live.

If you want to have an authentic relationship with your mom you will need to tell her, but if she is incapable of processing your disaffection then it will ruin the relationship even more than it already is. Good luck!