Not renewing my temple recommend

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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sparky
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Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by sparky » Mon Aug 14, 2023 7:07 am

Yesterday DW did her recommend interview while I waited for her in the lobby, the first time I won't be renewing mine in tandem. I've held a recommend ever since my faith implosion, going through the process three times while choking on my own integrity. But I couldn't do it this time. We talked about it a few weeks ago, I told her some of my problems with it while she listened patiently, but in the end we are on different wavelengths when it comes to the church. She said she knows she can't force me but would really appreciate it if I could do it for the sake of family and all, and I almost caved again. But being in therapy and learning to value my own perspectives has given me the strength to say no to things. I told her I know there is more than one way to see things, and I respect where she's at and will support her in any way I can, but I have to respect myself too.

So she dropped it and went forward with her own. She went and answered yes/no in all the right ways, and confirmed to some rando guy in the ward that, yes, she is wearing the authorized pattern underwear in the correct way as she allegedly covenanted to do. And I do support her but I wish she could see how messed up and bizarre this whole system is. As part of my support I will be driving her to the stake center to answer yes/no and confirm her underwear habits to one more rando guy in the stake.

I know this isn't the end of the turmoil because no one in our families knows where I'm at, and my lack of recommend is bound to come up at some point. But I am becoming more and more confident belonging to myself, not feeling the need to explain myself to people who are incapable of understanding, and leaving others to their own thoughts and judgements. I am a good spouse and human being, and not having a Certificate of Following Pharisaical Rules doesn't change that.

stuck
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Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2019 2:48 pm

Re: Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by stuck » Mon Aug 14, 2023 12:55 pm

Congrats! Way to stand your ground. Mixed faith marriages are difficult right?! Anyway, it takes a certain amount of give and take to make it work. Like for myself, I just sort of agreed that I would stop drinking coffee so that I might be able to be "worthy" to baptize my son in a year. But I don't know if my faith will be enough for the bishop. We'll see what happens.

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Linked
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Re: Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by Linked » Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:59 pm

That sounds like a successful and mature interaction. I went through this with my DW a few years back and it was a big deal then, but it hasn't been an issue since then. It's been nice to move on from the recommend dance.
sparky's DW wrote:She said she knows she can't force me but would really appreciate it if I could do it for the sake of family and all
This implies that by not getting a temple recommend you are hurting your family and all, and that's just not true. You wouldn't be doing this if you thought it hurt your family. It may make things uncomfortable, but I assume you think this is the better path for you AND for your family. Like you said, you are a good spouse and human being.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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sparky
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Re: Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by sparky » Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:28 pm

stuck wrote:
Mon Aug 14, 2023 12:55 pm
Congrats! Way to stand your ground. Mixed faith marriages are difficult right?! Anyway, it takes a certain amount of give and take to make it work.
Thanks! And yes, there's a give and take that changes over time. I don't blame anyone for jumping through the TR hoop, or giving up coffee, or whatever in order to find that balance. Like I said, I lied my way through three times with no remorse because I was in a different stage.
Linked wrote:
Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:59 pm
This implies that by not getting a temple recommend you are hurting your family and all, and that's just not true. You wouldn't be doing this if you thought it hurt your family. It may make things uncomfortable, but I assume you think this is the better path for you AND for your family.
Exactly. Here's hoping she can eventually see that. So far my steps away have had no apparent effect on our close relationship, just some awkward moments that pass once we're back in a non-church setting. Small price to pay for not having to fake so much.

Gatorbait
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Re: Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by Gatorbait » Tue Aug 15, 2023 1:40 pm

Integrity. That's the word you used to come to your decision to not renew a thing that holds you in contempt of your own conscience. Your choice is to be honest with yourself, true to the one thing that only you have.

Years ago I heard a Janis Joplin quote: "Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got." I think this applies to you. It applies to all of us. Next step is to not let others make you bitter. Live and let live and keep loving your wife and family and they will respect you and love you in return.
"Let no man count himself righteous who permits a wrong he could avert". N.N. Riddell

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sparky
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Re: Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by sparky » Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:08 am

Welp, today is the day! I'll be going with her to the stake center for final Worthiness Approval. Weird that the omniscient God of the universe has to rely on the Swiss cheese model to mitigate the risk of contaminating his many luxury vacation homes, but I digress.

We haven't talked any more about the reasons I'm declining, but I think that's just because we know we're both decided and aren't trying to convince each other.

To make it into an opportunity for connection rather than fomenting negative feelings on both sides, we're planning to go get ice cream after.

One thing I am torn on is whether I should don the Mormon costume (shirt, tie, and slacks) to go with her. She'll be dressed up of course, but I don't see any reason for me to be, but I don't want her to feel like she's standing alone, but I also don't want to submit to the dictates of this organization any more than necessary. Probably I'll ask her what she prefers and how important/unimportant it is to her and decide from there.

I'm also going to somehow express that I'll always support her in how she wants to engage with the church, and I'm grateful for her support of me, and if she ever wants to talk more in depth about things I'm open to it and suggest that it might be helpful to try a couples therapist since we seem to be finding it difficult to share how we're feeling about all this.

Wish me luck! And thanks for letting me vent here.

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wtfluff
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Re: Not renewing my temple recommend

Post by wtfluff » Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:33 am

sparky wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:08 am
To make it into an opportunity for connection rather than fomenting negative feelings on both sides, we're planning to go get ice cream after.
Make sure to order coffee flavored ice cream.

sparky wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:08 am
One thing I am torn on is whether I should don the Mormon costume (shirt, tie, and slacks) to go with her.
At least make sure to wear a colored shirt. Or maybe denim pants?

sparky wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:08 am
Wish me luck! And thanks for letting me vent here.
GOOD LUCK!





DISCLAIMER:NEVER pay attention to relationship advice from a random, Fluffy stranger on the internet. Especially a Fluffy stranger who has done EVERYTHING wrong when it comes to LD$-Inc. Truth Crisis navigation and relationships. Said Fluffy person has to make light of these situations and laugh a little bit so that they don't cry...
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