... Crickets

[SeeNoEvil]

This morning I received a text from my uberTBM DD who has not spoken to me since, horror of all horrors, I wore a sleeveless dress to a family wedding back in July. The text was a simple "Happy Thanksgiving" followed by a turkey emoji. I called her immediately back. No answer. I then texted her back and told her how much I loved her and am grateful for having her and her family in my life and appreciated all the love and support she gives me... etc. Crickets. That was around 9AM this morning. Still crickets. I hate how this church has become the deciding point for who is accepted and not accepted in her life. I am not assuming or reading more into what the silence might mean... I know exactly how she feels as she made it very clear how she felt when I stopped going to church which was back in 2011. I try to understand. Today this hurts. My only wish is that one day when one of her children or her husband comes to her with their concerns about the church she will listen and not shut them out of her life as she has me. On this day of thanks I am thankful for truth. Though freeing and painful all at the same, I am grateful for the "truth" that finally set me free.

[Lithium Sunset]

I’m so sorry... this is the worst thing about this religion!
I’m grateful to be out from under its spell too... both sides of the fence can feel lonely sometimes.

Hope the tide shifts and she gets past those feelings.

Hugs

[Enough]

Hi SNE— thanks for your words of support to me today... I’m sorry for what you are going through, too. Sometimes the holidays can be difficult. Sometimes, in addition to remembering all the good we have, family times also bring up the painful parts of relationships, too. I have only one daughter, but it would hurt me tremendously if she (or any of my sons, for that matter) shut me out like you describe. I can relate a little bit... only for me, it’s my parents and my sisters who totally changed how they interact with me (they rarely do, any more), since my less-than TBM views & activity level became known. It’s really hard.

I wish it could be simpler — Can’t we all just get along??

Enjoy the beauty around you, and make sure to notice the beauty within you, too —even when others can’t/don’t. {{{SNE}}} Namaste and Cyber hugs back atcha!

[No Tof]

Sorry to hear of your DD's less then empathetic "thanksgiving" wishes.
The shunning that is common from our TBM loved ones hurts especially.
Hope you find the love for them, allows healing in time.

In the meantime support is being sent your way.

[Corsair]

That's a tough situation. I hope you get the chance to talk to her eventually.

[MoPag]

(((Hugs))) SNE!

HugsSNE!!.png (205.94 KiB) Viewed 26965 times

At least a text is a baby step in the right direction.

[slavereeno]

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

Bear in mind that someday her shame from these actions towards you will be a source of inner reflection and a possible catalyst to truth. I speak from experience growing up with a very Nomish father and an exmo mother. The inner conflict that caused was definitely part of my journey.

[Brent]

Be relentlessly good. Send the birthday cards, the Christmas present, do not quit or she can blame you for breaking off. Keep being a good parent.

[SeeNoEvil]

I’m so sorry... this is the worst thing about this religion!
I’m grateful to be out from under its spell too... both sides of the fence can feel lonely sometimes.

Hope the tide shifts and she gets past those feelings.

Hugs

Thank you for the hugs! Though my parents were uber TBM I grew up being taught to respect all religion. I thought I had continued that teaching on in my own family but guess not! I never got the memo on shunning so was taken off guard when I was shunned. She knows the Bednars and worships the ground he walks on. Need I say more.

Hi SNE— thanks for your words of support to me today... I’m sorry for what you are going through, too. Sometimes the holidays can be difficult. Sometimes, in addition to remembering all the good we have, family times also bring up the painful parts of relationships, too. I have only one daughter, but it would hurt me tremendously if she (or any of my sons, for that matter) shut me out like you describe. I can relate a little bit... only for me, it’s my parents and my sisters who totally changed how they interact with me (they rarely do, any more), since my less-than TBM views & activity level became known. It’s really hard.

I wish it could be simpler — Can’t we all just get along??

Enjoy the beauty around you, and make sure to notice the beauty within you, too —even when others can’t/don’t. {{{SNE}}} Namaste and Cyber hugs back atcha!

Ditto! I'm doing better today as I hope you are too. It helps to talk it out and go where you know you will be understood and accepted. This is why I love the NOM community so much. Yesterday was just hard knowing she was celebrating with her husbands perfect Mormon family who now has taken her under their wing. Yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself. Today I woke up, took a big breath.... starting over

Sorry to hear of your DD's less then empathetic "thanksgiving" wishes.
The shunning that is common from our TBM loved ones hurts especially.
Hope you find the love for them, allows healing in time.

In the meantime support is being sent your way.

Thank you for your support as well! In a way I really did set myself up for disappointment yesterday. I expected her to act a certain way and when she didn't it made me sad and depressed. So yesterday I had hope things would be different and today I still have hope that one day she will understand who I am and find reason to have me back in her life.

[SeeNoEvil]

That's a tough situation. I hope you get the chance to talk to her eventually.

"Talking" will be difficult. I'm always up for a good sit down, calm discussion. I can usually have them with people, but not with this one! Some times I wonder if her refusal to talk with me is because she herself might be struggling with her own doubts about the church and is forcing herself to keep believing. The last time I tried to talk to her about the church or anything she said refused to talk about it and walked off. At the family wedding last summer I sat for a brief time at her table, made chit chat with the grand kids and her husband but she wouldn't talk to me. I know... a bit childish for a 30ish woman but ... I've had this on my mind all day and I think since she doesn't want to have this conversation maybe I will email her something. It will be her choice to read it or delete it.

(((Hugs))) SNE!

HugsSNE!!.png

At least a text is a baby step in the right direction.

Awwwww! I love these puppies! They are just what I need. They can come snuggle with me anytime!

Oh, don't be sad! It makes me sad when others are sad and besides like I said, today I'm doing much, much better!

[SeeNoEvil]

Bear in mind that someday her shame from these actions towards you will be a source of inner reflection and a possible catalyst to truth. I speak from experience growing up with a very Nomish father and an exmo mother. The inner conflict that caused was definitely part of my journey.

I have only two daughter left in the church. I had the typical boat load of children so the fact all are out but two is a success depending on which side of the fence you are on. Of those who have left, 2 left because of life style and the other group left because as they put it, "they saw it as bogus from the start!" I agree, one day she will be faced with her actions and her own doubts about the church. It will be a sad day for her and I plan to still be here to help her through it.

Be relentlessly good. Send the birthday cards, the Christmas present, do not quit or she can blame you for breaking off. Keep being a good parent.

Good point! I definitely do not plan on quitting. Financially it is hard to send gifts to the masses of children and grandchildren I have but cards, emails, etc cost pennies and that I plan on doing. I love your suggestion to be, "relentlessly good"!!

[moksha]

There is always a chance the DD sent that Thanksgiving message and emoji to everyone on her contacts list.

[SeeNoEvil]

There is always a chance the DD sent that Thanksgiving message and emoji to everyone on her contacts list.

Good thought.... and if it was then at least I was thought of on that day of thanks. It was the first response out of her since the July wedding when she was so upset by my obvious lack of the lords underwear. Though tiny, I see maybe it was a step in the right direction.

[slavereeno]

It makes me sad when others are sad and besides like I said, today I'm doing much, much better!

I am glad things are better DW and I have not crossed this bridge yet, and this is still a major source of anxiety.

[Wonderment]

I try to understand. Today this hurts. My only wish is that one day when one of her children or her husband comes to her with their concerns about the church she will listen and not shut them out of her life as she has me. On this day of thanks I am thankful for truth. Though freeing and painful all at the same, I am grateful for the "truth" that finally set me free.

I completely empathize. I've been worried about this, so I'm grateful you spoke up about the lack of Christian love and fellowship shown by some of the most devoutly religious people. My daughter-in-law is exactly like your daughter in terms of her religiosity, and it certainly does hurt. I have realized that she and her parents will really never accept my husband and me, even though we have tried very hard to be the most perfect in-laws ever. We are very conscientious about showing our love for them and our pride in their accomplishments, and of course we would never give advice, nor criticize. Nevertheless, there is a huge wall between her and us. Our son, with whom we have always had a good relationship, is more understanding and approachable.

It always amazes me that religious organizations, which should draw people together, actually work to push people apart. Many hugs to you !!! I've been there, done that, and I've experience what you're going through. Take much care, from Wndr.

[SeeNoEvil]

It makes me sad when others are sad and besides like I said, today I'm doing much, much better!

I am glad things are better DW and I have not crossed this bridge yet, and this is still a major source of anxiety.

Yes, things are better but not resolved. They are better because my attitude has changed. Better because I am trying to find peace with her actions and move on. Sadly not much as far as the shunning has changed. I did get a hold of her by text a few days after Thanksgiving and there was a polite exchange of "how are you" and "how was your thanksgiving"... etc. Then it fell silent after a few exchanges. Though not not how it used to be pre leaving the church it is something to hold on to.

I try to understand. Today this hurts. My only wish is that one day when one of her children or her husband comes to her with their concerns about the church she will listen and not shut them out of her life as she has me. On this day of thanks I am thankful for truth. Though freeing and painful all at the same, I am grateful for the "truth" that finally set me free.

I completely empathize. I've been worried about this, so I'm grateful you spoke up about the lack of Christian love and fellowship shown by some of the most devoutly religious people. My daughter-in-law is exactly like your daughter in terms of her religiosity, and it certainly does hurt. I have realized that she and her parents will really never accept my husband and me, even though we have tried very hard to be the most perfect in-laws ever. We are very conscientious about showing our love for them and our pride in their accomplishments, and of course we would never give advice, nor criticize. Nevertheless, there is a huge wall between her and us. Our son, with whom we have always had a good relationship, is more understanding and approachable.

It always amazes me that religious organizations, which should draw people together, actually work to push people apart. Many hugs to you !!! I've been there, done that, and I've experience what you're going through. Take much care, from Wndr.

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. As much as her actions are painful for me I know that I have hurt her deeply as well. I heard that she recently bore her testimony in church about how difficult it has been for her to see her entire family, mom, dad and siblings with the exception of one to leave the church. My TBM self would be hurting and I too would be disappointed in my family. My ex TBM self reminds me that I once was someone like her and if I made it out maybe she can too.

[MerrieMiss]

I am so sorry about this. I can't imagine how hurtful it is. And that it has gone on so long - since 2011, that is too long.

I know exactly how she feels as she made it very clear how she felt when I stopped going to church which was back in 2011. I try to understand. Today this hurts. My only wish is that one day when one of her children or her husband comes to her with their concerns about the church she will listen and not shut them out of her life as she has me.

I have a difficult time understanding how a person who is a parent can maintain such negative feelings toward another family member. When I became a parent some kind of empathy switch went on inside. I have a difficult time explaining it, but I suddenly saw my kids as myself and me as my parents. I had more compassion on my parents. I had more love for my kids - and for other people because I realized they were someone's children. I feel like that sounds so stupid and obvious, but it became something I knew within me, not just in my head. I find myself constantly asking myself how I would feel if I were on the other side of a situation with regards to the family. I truly hope that she can come to see that you are not a terrible person for changing your mind about something, and that if/when her husband and children come to her, she can be more empathetic to them. I don't suppose she feels very good in this situation either, even if she does feel in the right/justified.

[SeeNoEvil]

I am so sorry about this. I can't imagine how hurtful it is. And that it has gone on so long - since 2011, that is too long.

I know exactly how she feels as she made it very clear how she felt when I stopped going to church which was back in 2011. I try to understand. Today this hurts. My only wish is that one day when one of her children or her husband comes to her with their concerns about the church she will listen and not shut them out of her life as she has me.

I have a difficult time understanding how a person who is a parent can maintain such negative feelings toward another family member. When I became a parent some kind of empathy switch went on inside. I have a difficult time explaining it, but I suddenly saw my kids as myself and me as my parents. I had more compassion on my parents. I had more love for my kids - and for other people because I realized they were someone's children. I feel like that sounds so stupid and obvious, but it became something I knew within me, not just in my head. I find myself constantly asking myself how I would feel if I were on the other side of a situation with regards to the family. I truly hope that she can come to see that you are not a terrible person for changing your mind about something, and that if/when her husband and children come to her, she can be more empathetic to them. I don't suppose she feels very good in this situation either, even if she does feel in the right/justified.

I totally agree! Maybe this time has been good in that it has allowed me to do some soul searching. The longer this has gone on the more I understand. But then the holiday's come.... the HOLIDAYS for petes sake.... THIS is the time family come together! Right? I hoped things would be different.

This is difficult to explain but in a way I get her. When I was still TBM it was just me, the other daughter and I who were still in the church. We would have long talks about how we needed to stay strong and what we could do to bring the others back. Of course I had no idea the real Mormon story. therefore, those thoughts and actions back then were based solely on what I knew then. Now I know more. She doesn't. She can't know what she doesn't know! She only sees that I am another empty chair and where there was a whole table filled she is alone with her sister. One by one we are all abandoning ship. I am sure they are seeing our jumping ship as a drowning. We went through stages of grief when we left the church. Could this be her way of grieving? What makes me angry is the church's indoctrination of God and church before family. If we don't believe I guess this means we are not family since we won't be there in the eternities. This is wrong. I plan to write her a letter but the words just aren't there yet. I guess wait for that inspiration.

[Red Ryder]

Inspiration fairy checking in....

"I love you! Thanks for being a wonderful daughter. "