“Find a Husband” Rant

[Hopebeat]

Hello friends,

Kind of just wanted to vent a little bit for this post. So I’m in my early 20’s and single, living just north of SLC. I was at a mission farewell with my family and my mom turns to me and says, “this is the place to find a husband, *wink**wink*”

In my head I’m like, no no no no no, mama! I am not husband shopping here in a place full of 17-18 year olds. They’re too young, I’m more mature than that. And I’m not looking for a husband. I’m never going to be husband shopping, are you kidding me?!? I’m looking for a soulmate type love that I know is real, and one where we go at our own pace to plan our lives, I don’t even care if I get married soon, or even at all really. I’m not looking to check off some checklist that some old people tell me to check off, I’m sorry. I’ll know it when I find my partner, until then people can stop bugging me.

In reality I just said, no mom I’m not going there today.

But really, this triggered me so bad. All my active mormon peers around me are getting engaged and posting cheesey engagement pics in front of temples, and 2.5 months later are eternally sealed in the temple. I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to get out of this place. Church doesn’t feel good. Dating Mormons doesn’t feel good. So my tbm parents definitely want me to get sealed in the temple, but everything inside me is telling me to run away.

And I’m still figuring out what all this means. Maybe it’s my purpose here to break their hearts and leave the church. Who am I to protect them from heartbreak? It’s my life, not theirs. I’m sick of church and family telling me what to do. I don’t have to do anything. Freedom of choice, right? I still don’t want to tell them I want to leave the church. But that’s my inner people pleaser lying and manipulating to get them to think I’m ok. But I’m not. I hate lying about my disaffection, and the truth will hurt them. Who am I to save them from hurting? Maybe that’s what they need to change. I’m telling myself that it’s right to keep my disaffection a secret, but maybe this is the very source of my suffering instead.

Can anyone here relate? I feel like I’m going crazy but, when I’m following my own heart I actually feel alive and living. I love controlling what I do and say, I don’t like following the church and tradition. What if I can break free even though I’m afraid? What if we all can?

Sigh. Thank you for reading my rant to the end if you’ve made it this far. Advice or kind words are appreciated.

Take care.

[IT_Veteran]

I know exactly what you mean re: the inner people pleaser. It’s what took me so long to announce my disaffection to my DW, kids, and close family. I don’t have much advice other than to say if you want to leave the church, do it before marriage and kids if you can. Mine have been supportive, but my in-laws are pretty freaked out by it. It’s easier to make those big fundamental shifts when you don’t have those other commitments.

[EternityIsNow]

I can relate as a parent who was recently in this situation with several of my children who left the church. This while I was in the middle of a faith transition myself, I was a bit surprised at how quickly they figure things out and moved on. But when you are young, moving quickly is important in these things. You are only young once, and all that. Still, it was a bit of a shock as a parent. We are now a mixed faith family. Half of our children left the church, half stayed. I am out and my wife remains in the church. And our family still works. We've been careful through this transition to be respectful of everyone's freedom of religion, and we have learned to not talk about religion as a group.

I think you need to find a way to be authentic but also allow them space to continue to be their own authentic selves. Don't challenge their beliefs, just try to communicate clearly, find ways to be happy as you shift who you are to somebody you're more happy to be.

How to tell them is different for each situation. You know your family and what they can cope with. Some people just have a big and difficult discussion. I tried that with one of my TBM children and it totally backfired. But it works for some people. Others prefer to simply demonstrate their faith transition through how they change their life. This is what has worked best for us. For example, you can stop going to church, or slowly stop doing activities, gradually miss meetings, make it clear that you are fine and don't need help, you just need time to think through some questions you have. Set boundaries, make sure they know this is not open for discussion and you are not looking for someone to change your mind. But gradually take control over your situation. Give them time to get used to the new version of you.

However you play this, I strongly recommend taking it slow, play the long game. You will be connected to your family for the rest of your life. Give them time to get used to the changes you need to make in your life. Good luck!

[moksha]

It’s my life, not theirs. I’m sick of church and family telling me what to do. I don’t have to do anything. Freedom of choice, right? I still don’t want to tell them I want to leave the church.

You need to be true to yourself. From your post, it sounds like you would be setting yourself up for much unhappiness if you cater to all your parents' whims. You could marry a staunch TBM to please them and end up with many disagreeable years together.

There is no timetable for marriage, nor are there any Prince Charmings or Miss Rights.

[Not Buying It]

Talking about disengaging from the Church is scary - even if you get past all the brainwashing, there are still powerful family and social forces that keep you in even when you want to leave with all your heart.

Be brave. You only get one life - don’t waste it trying to meet someone else’s expectations. You could spend years of your life trying to keep those around you happy, all the while miserable that you are forced to fake the TBM lifestyle, and before you know it you have a temple marriage and kids and it becomes exponentially harder to ever get out.

Take disengaging from the Church fast or take it slow, whichever seems right to you, I’ve heard of it working best both ways. In some cases playing the long game works well and gives family members time to slowly adjust, in some cases ripping the band aid off is best because no matter how slow you go they will be shocked and disapproving with every small choice that leads you away from the Church and will just give you one battle after another. Decide which is best for your situation. But accept this reality - eventually you will either break the hearts of family members, or break your own heart living a lie to please them. I am so sorry, but that is the choice you have to make.

[Corsair]

Can anyone here relate? I feel like I’m going crazy but, when I’m following my own heart I actually feel alive and living. I love controlling what I do and say, I don’t like following the church and tradition. What if I can break free even though I’m afraid? What if we all can?

My younger brother recently was ordained a High Priest and was called as a bishopric counselor. He is a good man, good husband, good father, and good LDS believer. I'm sure he will do well. But he was in the same boat as you until he married at age 32. He had started having to reassure our mother that he was not, in fact, gay. Since then, all is forgiven. He and his delightful wife now have three amusing children.

Getting married (properly, in the temple) in the LDS church is about the biggest social pressure that every Mormon youth feels. Only missionary service compares. This is not easy for you and I avoided some of these problems by already being a returned missionary, temple married, father before I started a faith transition. But my path it not better or easier. It's simply a different set of problems.

I would take heart that you are following one of the most counter-intuitive ways to achieve happiness: Front load your pain. You are being forced into doing the harder things first by acknowledging your faith transition so early in life. You have the chance to change the narrative at an age that many of us wish we could change. If time machines are ever invented, Mormons in mixed-faith marriages are guaranteed to steal one and fix their relationships before they got started.

Certainly it would be a poor choice to simply temple marry some guy under the pretenses of being a believer just to get your parents off your back. I have known of a few lucky engaged couples who went through the faith transtion together and had the temple marriage for the sake of family. Then they sent in their resignation letters a few days later in a clean break that confused believing friends and relatives for years.

This is deeply unlikely to happen and it's coming at your life in the wrong way. Instead, you need to figure out what you want to actually be doing with your life. You need to have a goal that is bigger than the LDS church, at least in your own life. Right now you are bearing the buren of proof with your parents. They are passive aggressively asking you to justify your lack of marriage. To be fair, it's unintentional and with what they believe is your best interest in mind.

Instead, you need to flip that narrative by doing something else that you truly believe in. This is not easy, especially since it helps if you can come up with a new basis for moral reasoning for your personal philosophy. But pursuing a goal with some passion is more likely to lead you into areas where that soulmate is unintentionally waiting for you. Do you want to invent workable nuclear fusion power? (i.e., career goals) Do you want to get that Master's degree in linguistics? (i.e., educational goals) Do you want to hike Kilimanjaro? (i.e., travel goals) Do you want to rebuild a classic 1967 Ford Mustang? (i.e., personal goals) Your soulmate is likely hanging out in those areas also...

Admittedly, the LDS church gave you a set of life goals that is haunting you right now. You made it through baptism, seminary, and Young Women's awards and now the bigger goal of temple marriage is being pushed with all of the social pressure that an LDS mother can summon. This is not your fault and it is a common problem in all apostates from any religion. It still haunts me at times. But the only person who can change this is you. I won't pretend that this is a fair scenario. This is really hard. It is effectively the kind of pressure that led Mormon pioneers to head west into the Utah wasteland following an upstart apostle just beginning his game of polygamy Pokemon (Gotta marry 'em all!)

You can beat this. You attitude towards the LDS church needs to be indifference. Not anger, not annoyance, not weary resignation, but indifference with a helping of amused skepticism. Make your believing family justify why you should be devoted to the goals set out for you by the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet. Demonstrate your lack of interest in the LDS church by an active interest in something else that is a bigger, better goal for you.

This is hard, but I hereby grant you permission to try some new interests and hobbies and totally decide that most of them are not for you. Try a bunch of things. Change your goals as you gain experience and find that core set of things you can passionately follow. Living well is the best revenge and it's even better when you weren't seeking revenge. This is the kind of life that will show friends and relatives that the LDS church does not have a monopoly on living with joy.

[BriansThoughtMirror]

...everything inside me is telling me to run away.

If that's really what is going on in your heart, pay good attention to it. If you keep letting others' expectations control your actions, you'll eventually reach a point where that inner voice no longer talks to you. You'll regret it.

Have you ever read "The Alchemist"? I have some quibbles with parts of it, but I wish I had read it before my life was so full of commitments. It's powerful. A huge part of its message is that you need to listen to that inner voice. YOU can determine your own life. (It's also a very short read!)

[John G.]

I was in a similar situation at the UofU in the 90’s. My solution, go outside of Utah for grad school! It was a night and day difference! Finally had some physical distance from my parents so I could go inactive.

[glass shelf]

I only wish I'd realized the church wasn't true when I was young and unmarried.

It's hard to disappoint people you love, but it's worse to live your life to please them. Be kind, but make the choices that you want and leave them to handle them as they must. It's not your responsibility to live your life as they see fit.

[Archimedes]

Take time to find out who you are. The worst mistake a young person can make is get married too young.

I got married way too young, to a TBM girl who was also way too young. Fast forward through 33 years of trying to make the TBM spouse happy, and it all ends in a true tire fire of a divorce.

Take your time. Finish college. Travel. Maybe somewhere along the way you will meet someone who cares about who you are, not who they think you should be.

Best wishes, enjoy the ride.

[Tudor_Princess]

You hit the nail on the head. Do what feels good and right for you. Make your own choices and be free. Don't be pressured. Seriously, get married/don't get married whatever. Its YOUR life and YOUR choice.

[mooseman]

In life, we often think we are avoiding pain when we are simply delaying it.
And delay, we learn, maginfies it. Intensifies it. My brother left when he was 16, was open with my parents and it was horrible for him. Hes now 30, and this are finally heading with my folks.
Im almost 40. The RM, the temple married one. My parents have suspicions but we can't talk about it-- my dad will literally have a heart attack as the viens in his head explode. Painful as it is, it's much easier to talk now than in 20 years.