Scheisse is About to Hit the Fan - My Minor Son is Probably Having Sex w/ GF

[Zack Tacorin Dos]

So, yeah, I could use some NOMie insight about now, from at least two different angles.

[Deleted 'cause of reasons.]

Love you guys!
Zack

[Its_Complicated]

Is the condom used? Sometimes kids carry them around to be Mr. Bigshot. If it is used, even then, how does anyone really know if it is just him messing around or not? Regardless, medical waste should be disposed of.

I have two teenage daughters, 16 and 15. My 16 year old has been "friends" with this boy for 3 years now. I told her many times what my expectations are, but I also say she can come to me with anything. Until there is proof of them being inappropriate, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I know the boy, his parents, he may be more interested in playing video games than do anything with my daughter.

Hopefully you have that safe space with your Son where he can tell you anything.

[FreeFallin]

I say focus on your son and how best to help and advise him. I used to use the analogy of a racecar and sex and how I didn't want to hand over the keys. The reality is that your son has both the racecar and the keys and the best you can offer is advice on how to drive safely, why seatbelts are so important, and the rules of the road. Treating HIS OWN sexuality with respect will produce better results than attempting to control it.

[wtfluff]

Is the condom used? Sometimes kids carry them around to be Mr. Bigshot.

This.

I "know a guy" who carried around a condom or two in his teenage years and never came close to using one with another person during those teenage years...

[Deepthinker]

Tough situation Zack. We haven’t had to deal with that with our teenagers yet, so I don’t know how much my advice will help you, but here goes.

I see a lot of “ifs” in your post. While it might be a difficult question to ask, I think you just need to ask your son if he has been having sex.

Assuming his answer is yes, I would suggest you and your wife discuss where you agree on the things to talk with him about, prior to talking with him. You’re both concerned because he is immature, impulsive, irresponsible, etc. Focus on those issues and talk with your son together about those concerns. When you’re having the discussion with your wife before talking to your son, make it clear to her that you don’t want to be part of any “sin” discussion with your son. Doing your best to set some boundaries for the discussion between the three of you might help.

While you likely don’t want her to even have that discussion with him, maybe tell her she can talk to him about that on her own. You’ve already given your son a heads up, so I’m sure he knows what’s coming from his mom. You can’t control what she says to him, but you can set a boundary that you don’t want to be dragged into that kind of conversation.

I hope it goes well.

[Red Ryder]

A few thoughts come to mind.

1. Stay calm.

Humans have sex. Some start early in life, some wait for marriage, and some pay for it with complete strangers. Look at the bright side of this. He wasn't caught with your mini van full of hookers and blow.

2. Educate.

Don't ask him for a confession and make him feel shamed. Assume that he is having sex and then educate accordingly. Let him know that hormones and sex as a teenager is a normal and natural occurrence but that the wise decision is to wait until he can be fully responsible and prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Teach him about the other risk factors such as STD's, emotional attachment issues, insurance coverage, a job, etc.

3. Don't shame.

4. Don't shame.

5. Don't shame.

6. Don't shame.

7. Jennifer Finlayson Fife.

Jennifer is a mormon sex therapist and has some great podcasts and content to help discuss these issues with kids. Google her.

8. Reassure the wife

Reassure the wife that many good mormon kids are having pre-marital sex. It happens regardless of church activity status. Even the sons and daughters of Bishops and Stake Presidents. It happens to the best of parents.

9. It could always be worse. My wife's visiting teaching family is a mixed marriage family. His kids and her kids from their previous marriage all live in the same house. His daughter was having sex with her son. The mom walked in on them when she got home early from work. Oopsie!!

10. Maybe an angel with a flaming sword commanded him?

[Silver Girl]

Is the condom used? Sometimes kids carry them around to be Mr. Bigshot. If it is used, even then, how does anyone really know if it is just him messing around or not? Regardless, medical waste should be disposed of.

I have two teenage daughters, 16 and 15. My 16 year old has been "friends" with this boy for 3 years now. I told her many times what my expectations are, but I also say she can come to me with anything. Until there is proof of them being inappropriate, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I know the boy, his parents, he may be more interested in playing video games than do anything with my daughter.

Hopefully you have that safe space with your Son where he can tell you anything.

I doubt someone would carry around a used condom - they're generally single-use items. I do agree there could be a trend among the guys to carry one around to look like you're a stud or something.

[Red Ryder]

I doubt someone would carry around a used condom - they're generally single-use items. I do agree there could be a trend among the guys to carry one around to look like you're a stud or something.

Joseph Smith might have. Just saying!

[Silver Girl]

I don't have experience with today's teenagers, but I reared two sons (and could have done a way better job of it). Here are some thoughts, in case someone can chime in and say if they make sense:

It appears your wife's emotional reaction relates to sin rather than to your son's maturity, the possibility of pregnancy or disease, or the potential for emotional distress & entanglement. Your response is far more realistic, but I'd hope the two of you can agree on what the main goals are and the main priorities. Not easy to do with the TBM mentality, but it's a hope.

Your son probably needs to know you are both ultimately on his side (you care for his emotional and physical health, and you care for his values, etc.).

Rather than confronting it as "the deed has obviously been done," how about telling him, "We found the condom, and obviously, we know what that could mean. We are leaving it up to you as to whether you'll share any details with us, but we'd like to tell you the things we're worried about."

This might open the door to discuss the issues rather than to go down the guilt-trip and sin path. I suspect, if you handle it carefully, he may discuss (to a degree) what happened and you'll have a back & forth. I've had some amazing and candid discussions about sex with my sons(who are now grown) and I am not sure what to credit it to, but I remember some conversations where I made sure they knew blame wasn't on the agenda. I reared them alone, so it was the best I could do.

I don't think I saw you mention what age he is? If he is 16-17, it's one thing. If he is 14 or 15, that can raise additional concerns.

Good luck - if anyone needs a drink (or a tranquilizer) before the discussion, I think it's DW.

Silver Girl

[Silver Girl]

I doubt someone would carry around a used condom - they're generally single-use items. I do agree there could be a trend among the guys to carry one around to look like you're a stud or something.

Joseph Smith might have. Just saying!

Might have done which? Carried a used one? Heck, he probably had the RS knitting them for him or something. Holy Contraceptives. Only the most elect of the women could contribute to the cause.

[AllieOop]

Any suggestions to help me cool my jets regarding any blown out of proportion reactions and passive aggressive behavior?

You've already received a lot of good advice (especially Red Ryder's, do not shame....do not shame....do not shame).

If he is already sexually active (and it sounds as if he is), I agree that you should just calmly talk about what that means, the risks, the need for him to be responsible about it, and so on.

It's definitely not the end of the world....believe me, I know (as I'm sure other parents here will agree with). I used to think my girls not being a virgin at the time they got married would be the worst thing that could happen to them. Then one of them was addicted to meth for 10 years. Having sex is not the worst thing...not even close. Although looking through your wife's eyes, I can see why she's upset right now.

Definitely DO NOT threaten to talk to the girl or most especially don't involve her parents (I don't know if she is a member, but either way this is not a good idea). Deal only with your son. Love him, support him and let him know he's a normal teenager, but with sex comes responsibilities.

Also, do not force him to go to the Bishop and confess. Ugh! I hate that. Encourage him to talk to YOU, his Dad if he needs to talk or ask questions. Your wife will probably want him to go confess, but please do not make him feel like he's a bad person who needs to humiliate himself. Also make sure you and your wife keep this confidential too and make sure he knows you'll do this so he will trust you if he does want to talk to either of you more about it.

If they are going to continue having sex, he really should encourage his girlfriend to get on birth control pills as this is much safer regarding preventing a pregnancy. A pregnancy at their age will change the rest of their lives, starting the day they learn she's pregnant.


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[Its_Complicated]

I doubt someone would carry around a used condom - they're generally single-use items. I do agree there could be a trend among the guys to carry one around to look like you're a stud or something.

My kid would be stupid enough to leave it on the floor or under the bed.

[Can of Worms]

Yikes - tough situation. I think focussing on keeping safe, healthy, and offspring-free is the top priority. It sounds like your son is really struggling with things and a heaping dose of guilt isn't going to have the outcome your wife wants.

My TBM mom was really upset when my sister left the church and moved in with her boyfriend. I pointed out to mom that if my sister wasn't physically safe there wouldn't be opportunity for her to repent and return. That calmed mom down. Nearly 20 years later, dear sister married a different boyfriend (after living together) and still TBM mom is just happy that sister is happy and has reached a place where she no longer talks about when sister will become active again. Mom reached this place after years of conversations about agency and accepting that it means that people won't make choices you like or approve of. Loving someone doesn't mean you always agree with their choices.

All the best - teen years are so hard.

[2bizE]

Some great advice has been given from experienced parents. Here are my thoughts...
I would buy him a box of condoms and don't let him run out. Using a condom is a sign of maturity. At least he is making an educated decision on that part. Not having condoms leads to more life-changing concerns. Why do we always describe premarital sex as bad? Why does religion have such a firm grasp on our sexuality? What if our society congratulated virility and praised the development of our sexual beings at a younger age? Can you imagine living without the fear, shame, and guilt placed on us by religion in societies? What a wonderful world it would be.

[Anon70]

So many good comments. This happened to us. I would say for me what became important was that we maintain the relationship. He became an adult shortly after we discovered they were ahem already acting like adults and I didn't want to alienate him and have him avoid us. So for me (I'm the NOM) it was about helping my spouse have perspective, reminding him that we believe in agency-for everyone, and that if the atonement is real, all can be fixed. I found myself ironically helping my spouse remember his beliefs which helped us maintain the relationship. All is well now-closer than ever with that child-so I'd also say time helps.

[Enoch Witty]

Great advice in this thread from parents. As a former teenage boy, let me throw in some thoughts:

• 1. The church's constant harping on sexual purity only made me think about sex more. All the warnings only resulted in me having every intention of doing this awesome thing as soon as possible.
  2. My parents' reliance on guilt and "how could you do this to me"-style parenting didn't make me want to avoid sexual "sin." It did me feel guilty, resentful toward my parents, and like I was living two different lives. It made my parents the opposition.
  3. My mom took my behavior so personally that I felt like I could never confide in her or come to her for advice about these sensitive subjects. The church has only come more between our relationship as time goes on as she becomes more conservative and I become more liberal.
  4. Guaranteed: if you try to drive his son and his girlfriend apart, it will push them closer together.
  5. Are you in Utah? I had the benefit of a good sex education program, but your son may not have. The fact that he's using condoms (apparently) is a good sign, but a red state like Utah is much more likely to adopt abstinence-only education. You can't stop him from having sex (you really can't), but you can ensure he knows the risks involved.
  6. If your son has had a lot of conflict and turmoil in his life recently, this is probably helping to relieve stress. Sex is also something he's probably wanted for a long time, and he's probably feeling thrilled, proud, excited, and so many other emotions about it (including possible negative emotions stemming from the church's stance on the matter...). Before you get into a discussion of the risks and your concerns and all that, recognize that this was a big achievement/event in your son's life and give that boy a high five. You can express your concerns, but you'll only be alienating yourselves from him if you try to act like this is a purely bad thing when he probably sees it in a completely opposite light.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

This topic reminds me of the really awkward time when I was 16 (fully TBM indoctrinated) and my Dad had just divorced my Mom and he was now inactive and presumably sexually active in the dating scene. My Dad took me out to his car and showed me a box of condoms in the glove box. He said if you ever need one, here they are. I was completely mortified. It was like reverse psychology that caused me to recoil in TBM horror. Needless to say it retrenched me in orthodoxy for years to come. I don't think this method would work in your case, but pushing the conversation so it's super awkward for him might have some kind of effect. The psychological dynamic between parents and kids is a strange thing.

[AllieOop]

Well the scheisse will probably be flying before I can get much advice, but at least it helped to vent a little.

I was thinking about you last night and again this morning when I got on NOM. I hope things went ok last night for your family (if you were able to talk with your son).

Let us know if you choose to share (it's understandable if you want to keep it private too).

Just wanted you to know your NOM friends are thinking about you!



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[Zack Tacorin Dos]

Thank you so much for the advice. It really is good advice. (Or is that my confirmation bias showing? Hmmm.)

[Again, deleted because of reasons.]

Gracias amigos!
Zack

[Enoch Witty]

I briefly explained to him that we hadn't had time to prepare, but that "the talk" was still coming. I didn't want to get him all freaked out not knowing the hold up. It probably would have been better just keeping him in the dark, but I made a judgment call at the time, and now I have to work with that.

IMHO (the H stands for hubris), you did the right thing. Your son is almost 18. He may not be an adult yet, but he feels like one. If you fail to treat him like one, it will hurt your relationship in the short time when he does become an adult and moves on with his life.

Oh, and by the way, when I mentioned this to him last night, I asked if he was having sex. He says no. He seemed to be telling the truth. Hard to tell with this one right now though. He has a good excuse for it being in his possession though, so we'll see how it goes. His mom is good at getting at the truth and I wouldn't be surprised if he had if for sex.

On one hand, I carried a condom for a long time before I had a chance to use it. They also do hand them out at sex ed classes and the like. He could very well have gotten one in some random fashion, or bought it trying to be the badass ready to "do it" at any time. Or maybe he considers it a funny novelty. It is hardly caught-red-handed evidence.

On the other hand, anything that conflicted with the Mormon church I lied my ass off to my parents. I didn't feel that I could trust them or confide in them at all, so I avoided these subjects as much as possible, no matter what needed to be said to move on whenever they came up. My dad, like you, would probably have been more understanding than my mom, but I didn't have half a hope that he wouldn't tell her any and every thing I told him, so I clammed up around him just as much as my mom. If he had told me things were being held in confidence, I don't know that I would have believed it, and I probably still wouldn't have told him anything. (Not that you should do that; it could drive a wedge between you and your wife.)