My Big Plan for Eternity

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My Big Plan for Eternity

Post by Hagoth » Thu Jul 04, 2024 6:30 am

This is a spin-off of Deacon's second class citizen thread.

According to LDS leaders: I will not make it to the CK due to coffee drinking, insufficient tithing payment, and lackluster meeting attendance. Joseph Smith purportedly said the Telestial Kingdom is so wonderful that you would, if given a glimpse of it, commit suicide to get there. Having never murdered, raped, burglarized, defrauded, etc, I figure I might even be Terrestrial Kingdom material. My wife, of course, will be taken from me and given to another so she can pump out unlimited babies for him. The most celestial-kingdom-likely guy I know is Melvin, two blocks over. So I'll just imagine that Melvin will get my wife.

If the lesser kingdoms are so great, I figure they are at least as good as what we have right now. With sufficient time, tools and raw materials I will build a starship. I imagine I could do a pretty good job in the time it takes Melvin to create and populate a bunch of planets, especially with the help of talented and intelligent friends like you.

Then, I am going to Ancient Aliens the hell out of Melvin's planets.

Assuming he follows the rules (lest he "cease to be God," Alma 42:13), Melvin will not be able to make his presence obvious. But I don't have to follow those rules. I'll go to Melvin's planets and carve my face on the biggest mountain peaks. I'll build massive pyramids with my name on them and mile-high statues of myself. I will visit all the kings of Melvin's worlds and give them whatever they want if they make their subjects make offerings to me. I'm thinking pizza, but I will let them eat it, rather than just burn it up. I will appear in the sky 1000 times the size of Melvin and perform great miracles for millions of spectators. I will bless them with medicine and Skittles from heaven for just making it through the day, rather than curse them for not kissing my ass day and night.

Meanwhile, Melvin will be trying to get some poor uneducated farm boy to see writing on a rock in a hat, that tells them to feel bad about feeling good.

And my wonderful wife, number 187 in Melvin's harem, will be very entertained by my shenanigans. She might even walk away and take her celestial ovaries with her.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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Re: My Big Plan for Eternity

Post by græy » Mon Jul 08, 2024 1:42 pm

I see no problem with this plan. As long as you don't ask for the Glory, Melvin has no recourse.
Well, I'm better than dirt! Ah, well... most kinds of dirt; not that fancy store-bought dirt; that stuff is loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff. -Moe Sizlack

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Re: My Big Plan for Eternity

Post by Just This Guy » Wed Jul 10, 2024 9:34 am

Hagoth wrote:
Thu Jul 04, 2024 6:30 am
Then, I am going to Ancient Aliens the hell out of Melvin's planets.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

You now owe me a new keyboard. I happened to read that while drinking.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

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Re: My Big Plan for Eternity

Post by Angel » Mon Jul 15, 2024 6:56 am

Angel auditions aside, in heaven as it is on Earth? With different countries, different neighborhoods to choose between - heaven's a whole political battleground? Well, this angel's attending the heavenly HOA, will be campaigning against heirarchies, voting for a "by the people" afterlife.
“You have learned something...That always feels at first as if you have lost something.” George Bernard Shaw
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Re: My Big Plan for Eternity

Post by Cnsl1 » Mon Jul 15, 2024 6:58 pm


Make Heaven Great Again

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Re: My Big Plan for Eternity

Post by wtfluff » Tue Jul 16, 2024 6:49 am

Cnsl1 wrote:
Mon Jul 15, 2024 6:58 pm

Make Heaven Great Again

Make Adam God Again!
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

IDKSAF -RubinHighlander

You can surrender without a prayer...

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