Welcome to after-math class

[Abinidied]

It's been approaching two months since I posted my book-length post on publicly declaring my disaffection. I'd be interested in any math formula's anyone might have in the after-math of your faith crisis. Clearly I'm no good at math, but here's my after-math formula:

2 months since disaffection - any contact from life-long friends + feeling like a project x remnants of guilt for doubting squared = some pretty dark days.

I have another formula for healing but first a couple of updates.

Firstly, I haven't participated in this forum other than occasionally trying to catch up on what's happening and making the odd comment because I'm under a dead-line with a project that's sucks up most of my time. I could really spend all my time reading and responding here and I just might be doing a lot more of that now (I'm retiring soon! Yessssss . . . ).

The bishop stopped by for a visit last week, but didn't challenge me like he said he would. We kept the conversation light because I didn't feel comfortable diving into the nuts n' bolts of why I left and I think he was actually scared to death to do so. He did assure me that he has kept my secret a secret. Shoot. That's not what I wanted at all. I had very seriously considered standing at the pulpit to bear testimony of why I know the church is true (oops! I forgot to put the 'not' in that last sentence just before the 'true' - some habits die painfully slow). I WANT the ward to know where I stand so I don't have to be so plastic about my authenticity if and when I decide to drop by the ward for a visit. Most of them still think I'm a very dedicated TBM on a health leave. The dishonesty in that sucks big time. I had told him previously that I wanted people to know.

I know he was trying to be respectful, but I got the message that he sees my public declaration of where I stand as a form of serious sin - something he's going to help me work through. Poor guy. Pretty small box to be thinking he is seeing the world through a magnifying glass when in reality he's being observed through the leadership magnify your calling glass under the watchful eye of the institution. I remember what looking at ants through a magnifying glass on a real sunny day did to the ants. Burn up and burn out are both very real possibilities in this church. I know both. I burned out when I sacrificed my energy and time (in other words my wife and kids) to fulfill my callings. I burned up when I learned the highly concentrated 'light of the gospel' through the lens of the institutional church had such a dark beginning and felt like I was sinning for doubting had left me severely burned. I still have days where I hear the sizzle of my flesh burning when I feel the judgement of the bishop and other well intentioned members (mostly family who know) who think that I'm destined for telestial burn unit - where all 3rd degree burn patients go.

I struggle to heal but do also know I'm healing. I also know that healing from deep burns will probably leave me scarred for life. So here's my formula for healing:

Supportive family + true agency x knowing the truth squared - anxiety over dissonant thoughts and feelings - blocks of time dedicated to church objectives + tithing funds diverted to a vacations savings account + NOM = an honest life balance

I really am thankful to my awesome wife and kids. We're all on the same page. And thanks to NOM for some serious band-aides that helped me through the critical burn stage.

[MalcolmVillager]

Thanks for sharing. I listened to the Mormon Transitions Podcast of the grief model yesterday. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance (and I would add Humor like IOT Podcast). I have gone through that and now often find myself squarely in a new space called apathy.

I don't have the energy to write most of the time and the topics become repetitive. I hope to be able to transition but I don't know if I have the energy. I feel a war coming on between the energy needed to make a change like you have or the mental effort to make it work again.

Family and community is so complicating in all this.

Keep us posted as you progress!

[MerrieMiss]

"Burn up and burn out" - what an apt comparison. I've experienced both as well.

[Abinidied]

It's been approaching two months since I posted my book-length post on publicly declaring my disaffection. I'd be interested in any math formula's anyone might have in the after-math of your faith crisis. Clearly I'm no good at math, but here's my after-math formula:

2 months since disaffection - any contact from life-long friends + feeling like a project x remnants of guilt for doubting squared = some pretty dark days.

I have another formula for healing but first a couple of updates.

Firstly, I haven't participated in this forum other than occasionally trying to catch up on what's happening and making the odd comment because I'm under a dead-line with a project that's sucks up most of my time. I could really spend all my time reading and responding here and I just might be doing a lot more of that now (I'm retiring soon! Yessssss . . . ).

The bishop stopped by for a visit last week, but didn't challenge me like he said he would. We kept the conversation light because I didn't feel comfortable diving into the nuts n' bolts of why I left and I think he was actually scared to death to do so. He did assure me that he has kept my secret a secret. Shoot. That's not what I wanted at all. I had very seriously considered standing at the pulpit to bear testimony of why I know the church is true (oops! I forgot to put the 'not' in that last sentence just before the 'true' - some habits die painfully slow). I WANT the ward to know where I stand so I don't have to be so plastic about my authenticity if and when I decide to drop by the ward for a visit. Most of them still think I'm a very dedicated TBM on a health leave. The dishonesty in that sucks big time. I had told him previously that I wanted people to know.

I know he was trying to be respectful, but I got the message that he sees my public declaration of where I stand as a form of serious sin - something he's going to help me work through. Poor guy. Pretty small box to be thinking he is seeing the world through a magnifying glass when in reality he's being observed through the leadership magnify your calling glass under the watchful eye of the institution. I remember what looking at ants through a magnifying glass on a real sunny day did to the ants. Burn up and burn out are both very real possibilities in this church. I know both. I burned out when I sacrificed my energy and time (in other words my wife and kids) to fulfill my callings. I burned up when I learned the highly concentrated 'light of the gospel' through the lens of the institutional church had such a dark beginning and felt like I was sinning for doubting had left me severely burned. I still have days where I hear the sizzle of my flesh burning when I feel I'm being judged by those who think that I'm destined for telestial burn unit - where all 3rd degree burn patients go.

I struggle to heal but do also know I'm healing. I also know that healing from deep burns will probably leave me scarred for life. So here's my formula for healing:

Supportive family + true agency x knowing the truth squared - anxiety over dissonant thoughts and feelings - blocks of time dedicated to church objectives + tithing funds diverted to a vacations savings account + NOM = an honest life balance

I really am thankful to my awesome wife and kids. We're all on the same page. And thanks to NOM for some serious band-aides that helped me through the critical burn stage.

[MalcolmVillager]

It has been a few more months. Any updates or stories to share?

[Abinidied]

It's been interesting as I've alluded to in some of my posts. I'll try to get an update posted soon - something very cool happened with another NOM member. Thanks for asking.