NOM

It's been approaching two months since I posted my book-length post on publicly declaring my disaffection. I'd be interested in any math formula's anyone might have in the after-math of your faith crisis. Clearly I'm no good at math, but here's my after-math formula:

2 months since disaffection - any contact from life-long friends + feeling like a project x remnants of guilt for doubting squared = some pretty dark days.

I have another formula for healing but first a couple of updates.

Firstly, I haven't participated in this forum other than occasionally trying to catch up on what's happening and making the odd comment because I'm under a dead-line with a project that's sucks up most of my time. I could really spend all my time reading and responding here and I just might be doing a lot more of that now (I'm retiring soon! Yessssss . . . ).

The bishop stopped by for a visit last week, but didn't challenge me like he said he would. We kept the conversation light because I didn't feel comfortable diving into the nuts n' bolts of why I left and I think he was actually scared to death to do so. He did assure me that he has kept my secret a secret. Shoot. That's not what I wanted at all. I had very seriously considered standing at the pulpit to bear testimony of why I know the church is true (oops! I forgot to put the 'not' in that last sentence just before the 'true' - some habits die painfully slow). I WANT the ward to know where I stand so I don't have to be so plastic about my authenticity if and when I decide to drop by the ward for a visit. Most of them still think I'm a very dedicated TBM on a health leave. The dishonesty in that sucks big time. I had told him previously that I wanted people to know.

I know he was trying to be respectful, but I got the message that he sees my public declaration of where I stand as a form of serious sin - something he's going to help me work through. Poor guy. Pretty small box to be thinking he is seeing the world through a magnifying glass when in reality he's being observed through the leadership magnify your calling glass under the watchful eye of the institution. I remember what looking at ants through a magnifying glass on a real sunny day did to the ants. Burn up and burn out are both very real possibilities in this church. I know both. I burned out when I sacrificed my energy and time (in other words my wife and kids) to fulfill my callings. I burned up when I learned the highly concentrated 'light of the gospel' through the lens of the institutional church had such a dark beginning and felt like I was sinning for doubting had left me severely burned. I still have days where I hear the sizzle of my flesh burning when I feel the judgement of the bishop and other well intentioned members (mostly family who know) who think that I'm destined for telestial burn unit - where all 3rd degree burn patients go.

I struggle to heal but do also know I'm healing. I also know that healing from deep burns will probably leave me scarred for life. So here's my formula for healing:

Supportive family + true agency x knowing the truth squared - anxiety over dissonant thoughts and feelings - blocks of time dedicated to church objectives + tithing funds diverted to a vacations savings account + NOM = an honest life balance

I really am thankful to my awesome wife and kids. We're all on the same page. And thanks to NOM for some serious band-aides that helped me through the critical burn stage.

Thanks for sharing. I listened to the Mormon Transitions Podcast of the grief model yesterday. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance (and I would add Humor like IOT Podcast). I have gone through that and now often find myself squarely in a new space called apathy.

I don't have the energy to write most of the time and the topics become repetitive. I hope to be able to transition but I don't know if I have the energy. I feel a war coming on between the energy needed to make a change like you have or the mental effort to make it work again.

Family and community is so complicating in all this.

Keep us posted as you progress!

"Burn up and burn out" - what an apt comparison. I've experienced both as well.

It has been a few more months. Any updates or stories to share?

It's been interesting as I've alluded to in some of my posts. I'll try to get an update posted soon - something very cool happened with another NOM member. Thanks for asking.