From whence anger?

[Dravin]

Someone on reddit who just discovered the CES Letter and is processing mentioned they are frustrated and confused but not angry and it prompted me to reflect on the source of my anger in my faith transition. Thinking about it makes me feel like getting it out else I'll just spend most of the day rewriting and honing my thoughts on the subject matter.

Speaking for myself the anger came later, when those around me reacted to my doubt rather than as a direct consequence of my initial doubt. Having your spouse look at you like you're a broken bird taking advice from a man in an evil clown mask who is just too lazy to believe (or just wanting to sin), when you don't share your concerns and thoughts because you fear you'll be seen as an agent of Satan trying to steal their faith for which the only way for them to escape is divorce... To look at my wife, to realize she doesn't understand me, and to furthermore feel like she won't ever understand me because *she does not want to* because the 800 lb gorilla that is the church sitting there betwixt me and her has her convinced the conversations that may lead to her doing so are *evil and dangerous*.

I've seen her comments elsewhere about how it's such a great respect that I've not made an issue over sharing my faith transition with her. Hiding myself from her, knowing she doesn't understand me (and I don't mean that in the sense that she agrees with me like you'll often encounter), and that she grateful about this state of affairs... white washing, anachronisms, lies, concerns, doubts, historical issues, epistemology, it was not of these (at least not directly) my anger was born.

Thanks for the platform, I feel better getting that out.

[shadow]

Amen. And amen. And amen.

It's a lonely feeling being married to a spouse that does not even seem interested in understanding me. At the end of the day, I know that the church is ultimately more important to my marriage than I am. For me too, this is the source of any anger.