Oops. Just Outed Myself as a Non-Believer to Family

[Linked]

Well, it wasn't according to any plan, but I think it worked out about as well as it could have.

My parents, a couple siblings and I were on a 3 hour drive for a family event yesterday. We like to have lively discussions, and this one was about LGBT stuff, and I was a little to obvious with my disdain for the church's view and the negative impact they have. My sister picked that up and ran with it, asking me what I do like about the church, and finally she bluntly asked, "Do you believe in the church?" After a brief weighing of my options, I said "No."

They were pretty gracious about letting me tell my story. They weren't happy about it, but there was little effort to convince me I was wrong. They were very reassuring that they love me and still want me in their lives. My mom cried briefly, but she was okay after that. My parents are stake senior missionaries and I thought that might make it worse, but they said that because of their mission they see this every day and so it isn't too shocking. They showed the most empathy from any TBM I have told (which was 3 before yesterday). Now I've got a couple more siblings to call and I will not be hiding from anyone in my family!

I told DW that the cat is out of the bag with my family before going to sleep. She left our bed after I fell asleep and cried on the couch all night last night. We still haven't spoken and it's mid afternoon now. What was this emotional intimacy you guys were talking about?

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

It's hard my friend, like a kick in the gut. In my case the wife felt better after a day or two and things normalized a bit. It will never be the same, but can evolve into a workable situation. I hope this happens for you and you can find a relational balance.

[Anon70]

Sorry Linked, hope you and she can connect today in other ways. Be an awesome husband today

When I read these I feel lucky. My parents and my spouse habe been very kind and supportive and the kids that know have been very supportive and are also NOM which wasn't too much of a surprise to me. HOWEVER, when I make my move to "inactivity" I am afraid it will change. Today they can say, well she still goes and it's a phase....

[Mormorrisey]

That sucks, dude. All I can offer is empathy.

Hopefully it gets better for you as a couple, and as a family - for us, it's up and down, both kids and as a couple. We're doing better, but the hammer is always visible, and if I did a complete fade, I'm not sure the hammer wouldn't be deployed. But attending church as an apathetic observer does have it's perks. It's like a sociological experiment, done live for your convenience. That way too, the anger lessens somewhat and you can just smirk at the silliness; it does help relationships too.

My hope for you is that it will get better over time. Having integrity comes at a price.

[Emower]

That really stinks. My family has been doing a slow burn but it seems to be picking up steam. It's no fun. There is no manual for how to navigate this. Only just to show love as much as you would like to receive it.

[20/20hind]

When my parents found out, they told my tbm wife that i was better off dead.

So ya, your parents took it pretty good

[No Tof]

I was the parent when my daughter and son in law came out about their disbelief. I didn't do X well as your parents did.

Now I'm on the other side too and all is well with the kids. Just have to get DW to be a bit more tolerant of my complete heresy.

Hope for the best. Be nice and supporting to your DW and hopefully things will normalize.

[MalcolmVillager]

Ouch. Ripped off the bandaid. Well, genie, cat, Pandora whatever. . . No going back.

Good luck going forward. I would say double down on live and patience towards your wife especially and family in general. Prove them wrong about what Mormons do when they go off the rails.

Keep us posted on your progress!

[Linked]

Thanks for all the support! That was an emotionally draining weekend.

I called my 2 other siblings yesterday and talked briefly, just letting them know I am not a believer anymore, that I am open to talking about it if they are interested, and that I love them and still want them in my life. My brother is pretty intellectual and asked one follow up question about if it was the church or the gospel I didn't believe, and I responded that I don't believe in faith-based dogmatic beliefs. He was like, "Oh, whoa, so everything." He was between meetings at church so we had to cut it short but we are planning to get together for lunch or dinner sometime and we can talk more. Both of them were very loving and made it clear they don't want to cut me out of their lives. So that's good, family love won this weekend. And I look forward to future discussions. We'll see where it goes from here. Every discussion will be different because they will have to reconsider their audience. They have to consider my influence on their kids, and who knows where that will end up.

But those days can take care of themselves. Today I have reclaimed my integrity with my family and they still want to be my family, so that's a win.

The situation with DW is not great though. I was having a hard time empathizing with her because all my emotional muscles were exhausted. We finally talked yesterday and it didn't go very well. She talked about how she has no good options. Any outcome from this situation (outside of me re-finding my faith) is a bad one for her. Her least bad option of just ignore it and pretend things are normal was just destroyed by me, on top of all the other destruction I've brought her. So she's mad and sad. But I can't live happily with just ignore and pretend. I would have done this a long time ago if DW was just not against it. I wish she could see that the lack of options is a product of the church's worldview and that she doesn't have to live in that worldview, but we all know that's not how this works. She is afraid of this news destroying her mom.

Thanks for letting me get all this out here among NOM friends.

When my parents found out, they told my tbm wife that i was better off dead.

So ya, your parents took it pretty good

Wow, ouch! I hope things have gotten better for you, do your parents still feel that way?

[20/20hind]

Thanks for all the support! That was an emotionally draining weekend.

I called my 2 other siblings yesterday and talked briefly, just letting them know I am not a believer anymore, that I am open to talking about it if they are interested, and that I love them and still want them in my life. My brother is pretty intellectual and asked one follow up question about if it was the church or the gospel I didn't believe, and I responded that I don't believe in faith-based dogmatic beliefs. He was like, "Oh, whoa, so everything." He was between meetings at church so we had to cut it short but we are planning to get together for lunch or dinner sometime and we can talk more. Both of them were very loving and made it clear they don't want to cut me out of their lives. So that's good, family love won this weekend. And I look forward to future discussions. We'll see where it goes from here. Every discussion will be different because they will have to reconsider their audience. They have to consider my influence on their kids, and who knows where that will end up.

But those days can take care of themselves. Today I have reclaimed my integrity with my family and they still want to be my family, so that's a win.

The situation with DW is not great though. I was having a hard time empathizing with her because all my emotional muscles were exhausted. We finally talked yesterday and it didn't go very well. She talked about how she has no good options. Any outcome from this situation (outside of me re-finding my faith) is a bad one for her. Her least bad option of just ignore it and pretend things are normal was just destroyed by me, on top of all the other destruction I've brought her. So she's mad and sad. But I can't live happily with just ignore and pretend. I would have done this a long time ago if DW was just not against it. I wish she could see that the lack of options is a product of the church's worldview and that she doesn't have to live in that worldview, but we all know that's not how this works. She is afraid of this news destroying her mom.

Thanks for letting me get all this out here among NOM friends.

When my parents found out, they told my tbm wife that i was better off dead.

So ya, your parents took it pretty good

Wow, ouch! I hope things have gotten better for you, do your parents still feel that way?

Yes it's gotten better. That was 2011. It's been slow going but it's fine now. My tbm wife took the vast amount of it from them. They didn't want to talk to me about it.

It took awhile for my wife to tell me what they where saying about me. She was protecting me from the bs my family was saying. She is awesome.