Son came out as transgender. Let the roller coaster ride begin!

[dogbite]

I missed the clues to your kids age. Mine's younger so some of that above won't apply as much: schools, the cops, the puberty blockers and so on.

[Newme]

PapaDragon,
I think it's good that you're being as loving to your son as possible.
This breaks my heart to share this & I imagine it would break yours also to share it, but I very strongly feel that love is based on truth & helping our children consider as many facts as possible before making such a life-changing decision.

This comes from a man who went through the transgender process:



"I myself was fully sex-reassigned from male to female, and eventually came to accept my birth gender.

I have over 70 years of firsthand life experience, eight years of living as a woman, 20 years of researching the topic, and 12 years of helping others who, like me, found that transitioning and reassignment surgery failed to be proper treatment and want to restore their lives to their birth gender.

Costly, but Not Effective

Transitioning can be expensive—up to $130,000 per person for numerous body-mutilating and cosmetic procedures over many months (or years) to fashion the body to appear as the opposite sex.

Yet, no matter how skilled the surgeon, or how much money is spent, it is biologically impossible to change a man into a woman or a woman into a man. The change is only cosmetic.

The medical community continues to recommend this radical “treatment” in the absence of scientific evidence that people are better off in the long run. This population attempts suicide at a rate of 40 percent.

Even after the full surgical change, they attempt to end their lives, or tragically succeed.

Over 60 percent of this diverse population suffer from co-existing mental disorders."
https://www.google.com/amp/dailysignal. ... trous/amp/

This is am important perspective, and thank you for being brave enough to share.

When I was taking graduate classes, (keep in mind that this was before Noah and the flood) the professor (PHD psychologist) had worked with with the trans community in San Antonio, and he lectured us on the idea that before sex reassignment surgery, the person should (1) go with hormonal therapy only for ten years while living as the gender they wish to transition to, (2) have thorough psych evaluations, (3) resolve any other mental health issues, and did I mention that he thought they should live for at least ten years as the gender they wish to transition to. He said that too many people have the surgery and then are not happy because of several possible reasons and it is the person evaluating them' job to weed out people who are not good candidates for surgery. He said, and this may be just his opinion, because I haven't heard it any where else, that just as there are bisexuals, there are people half way between a male identity and a female identity. ??? Like I said, never heard this anywhere else. But to continue, While they are living as male, they feel a strong desire to live as female because that half of their being is repressed. But once they transition, they feel the other part of their identity as the one that is repressed and long to live as a male again. End of crazy theory, but I found it interesting enough to remember. He said that is why the extensive psych evaluation is important, to find out where they are on the scale. He emphasized that some transsexual people are not good candidates for surgery. He says that when he was evaluating people before surgery, that he recommended that over half of them either wait, or not undergo surgery at all. He screened for those who might end up unhappy, had other mental health issues, were just terribly unhappy and thought being somebody else would solve it, or for some other reason might not adjust well as the opposite gender.

Transitioning does not solve all problems. Now, imagine this professor standing on his desk as he practically yells at the class, "just as you and I have life issues, transgender people have life issues. Transitioning does not solve all problems and if the transgender person thinks it will, he/she is a lousy candidate for surgery."


Now, on a side note about this professor, he was the guy who the Mormon church had selected to work as psychologist for any missionaries who were having mental health issues. The church had him under contract for all missionaries who needed any kind of psychological help or eval to stay or go home. But in front of our class at a private Catholic university, he would blast Mormons as being slightly crazy to begin with. I wish I could remember some of his exact quotes, because it was a hoot being a NOM and having him tell stories about crazy Mormons. I didn't dare say I was raised Mormon, cause I didn't want him thinking I was slightly crazy. But he was correct about things like Mormons and perfectionism, and blind obedience, and how the polygamy in our history gives us sex hang ups.

Thanks, I'm glad it was received fine.

[PapaDragon]

I missed the clues to your kids age. Mine's younger so some of that above won't apply as much: schools, the cops, the puberty blockers and so on.

Yes, having an older child simplifies a lot of these issues, but I really appreciate you sharing the info and background. What age was your daughter when all of this started for you?

[dogbite]

12

[PapaDragon]

12

Sounds like your roller coaster has had considerably more hills than we'll be dealing with. Our child just graduated from college, moved into a new apartment in another city, started a career, and has a pretty clean slate for a fresh start. Apart from the obvious issues of hormone therapy, etc, timing for informing people in our shared circle is a big looming concern, so we're putting on our thick-skin suits and getting ready to fly our new flag (figuratively if not literally - but I do plan to wear the pin):

[Red Ryder]

Welcome Papa Dragon!

I commend your supportive attitude and hope your family can continue to adjust to this new reality.

How will a current employer deal with this type of transition? Hopefully they will be as supportive as you and your family.

I also wish to say it's amazing that others who have gone through this are here on NOM and have given wonderful insight. Thanks Dogbite for sharing publicly. I'm amazed at the support we are capable of providing each other here.

[MalcolmVillager]

Welcome back PD. I cannot offer any advice other than love wins. Your son, now daughter, is lucky to have you. It will still be a challenge but much more bearable with your love and support.

[PapaDragon]

How will a current employer deal with this type of transition?

The new employer is a large tech company who prides themselves on being LGBT inclusive and supportive. They have support groups, counselors, outreach programs and, according to their website, will fully cover the costs of transition, so pretty much a bullseye in that department.

[Silver Girl]

.

Papa D - your son is so fortunate to have you and DW on his side as he makes the transition. I'm a Mama Dragon, with an adult trans daughter (formerly a son). My child has not yet had surgery, but has been on hormones for a long while, dresses as a female (but not always) and has legally changed her name. Also, because of my career field, I have met many people who had the surgery, and have also met others who were trans but without the surgery. Here are a few thoughts from my experience:

1. My child has been more authentic and happier after finally acknowledging the gender issue. Even though she knew I was supportive about all things LGBTQ, she was terrified to tell me, and that broke my heart.

2. Since I have a trans daughter, I now share or pass down clothes, makeup, etc. just as I would if she had been born female. After all, why not? She has asked me for makeup and fashion advice, which I freely give. Yes, it's a bit odd, but only a bit. First and foremost, this is someone I love and this is my child. As a side comment, the tips on how to dress & do makeup and hair seem to be difficult to master; I don't detect a natural sense of style just yet. Oh well...

3. It can be very awkward to use a different pronoun - it does not come naturally to me, especially since my child is quite a bit older. Finally, I mentioned that "she" doesn't always come out of my mouth, and similarly, calling her by a new name after decades of her birth name can be confusing. She understands completely and is not bothered by that. So, I'd say it is very normal to have a period of verbal adjustment.

4. The hormones created noticeable changes in my child's behavior - more moodiness, etc. I understand this, but it still can be exasperating.

5. Those people I've met who have had the surgery are very happy with their lives. I don't live in the crazy Mordor area, so maybe that is a factor, because LGBTQ people are very common where I live. I trust the diagnosis and the approval process for the surgery if it is done by the right people. I think some insurance firms pay for it. There should be no rush in getting that surgery - the doctors recommend a period with hormones and living with the new identity, and that is a wise thing.

6. As someone mentioned, Mama Dragons seems to focus on mothers of gay sons (my child was a gay son before the trans period). I am in the group, and I have supported some of the causes, such as donating things to a shelter in SLC, etc., but since I don't live in Utah, direct involvement is more limited. I do think the group is supportive, so if and when DW needs that sort of network, I'd encourage her to join the FB group. You can PM me if she needs to be "invited," or anything. Some members are still sort of TBM, some are mixed, some are out. But all are passionately dedicated to protecting LGBTQ children, whether they adults or still at home.

7. The most toxic place I can think of for an LGBTQ of any age is the church. I know you and DW may still be active, but I'd drop out as soon as possible if it were me. There are heart-wrenching stories of suicides every single week in the Mama Dragons group, and it is even more hurtful to be part of the group that harms your child.

Please let me know if I can answer any questions, or PM me if you need to chat (or if DW wants to chat to another mom).

((((( Hugs to you both! )))))

Silver Girl

[MerrieMiss]

I have an extended family member who is trans and transitioned before LGBT issues were really talked about. For years we talked about him as gay. It wasn’t until about five years ago I realized he isn’t gay, he is transgender. I just didn’t have the knowledge or vocabulary to talk about it. It’s been hard on his family. His TBM mother still has a bad time with it. And unfortunately, his non-mormon spouse’s family has a difficult time with it because they were okay with their child being in a gay marriage, but not with a trans man. All I can think is how difficult and how many unexpected surprises there are in navigating through this. I’m glad your child has been able to talk to you and that you’re supportive.

I heard a story on The Moth some time ago that really struck me about the grief of having a child come out as trans. I really appreciated hearing it, so I’m going to include it here. I think it’s entirely okay to grieve for the child, hopes, and dreams you lost while simultaneously embracing your child’s new identity. As achilles said, it isn’t personal, but it’s there all the same.

I also recently listened to an episode of This American Life about testosterone that talks about a transgender man’s experience with hormones. I’ll include that too since the discussion has touched on hormone therapy.

It’s wonderful to hear from you and all of the other people with similar situations. I can only imagine how much better it is to know you’re not the only one experiencing this and that there is support out there for both the parents and their children.

https://themoth.org/storytellers/catherine-cross
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio- ... stosterone

[PapaDragon]

https://themoth.org/storytellers/catherine-cross
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio- ... stosterone

Thank you so much, MM. I look forward to listening to these.