Just found out my son resigned...

[Mahonri Moriancumer]

I was having a nice time with my inactive 22-year old son yesterday and openly discussing some of my frustrations with the Church. And then he casually mentioned that he didn't have to worry about that stuff anymore and showed me the letter confirming that he was no longer a member. I wasn't that surprised, and I think he is in a good place now, but why am I bothered so much by the fact that he resigned his membership? Am I jealous?

I still attend every week, but I am not a believer, and I don't enjoy going to Church. If it were up to me, I'd just fade away into inactivity, but I attend for my wife and other family members. Those of you that have had children resign, how did it affect you? Were you shocked?

My wife doesn't know yet, and I'm sure she would be devastated. Some of my other kids know, but not all.

[Corsair]

I would be amused if (when) my children leave the church. My Lesbian daughter got married last month so it's probably a matter of time before some ward has to excommunicate her and her wife. They met in seminary (7 years ago), so the irony runs deep.

One potential problem in your future is tithing settlement. You will get the a copy of your family's membership record from your bishop and there is a good chance that your son will now no longer appear on it. Some families have had their apostate children outed during tithing settlement. You might try to get your hands on that record from your financial clerk first and carefully assure him that "nothing has changed on your end". Otherwise, you might have to let your wife know before the bishop accidentally lets the heretical cat out of that apostate bag.

But, I'm in the same boat with you as the undercover unbeliever (I should get that on T-shirt). I stick around for pretty much the same reasons you do and I would probably leave in a heartbeat if my wife had a change of belief.

[Mahonri Moriancumer]

One potential problem in your future is tithing settlement. You will get a copy of your family's membership record from your bishop and there is a good chance that your son will now no longer appear on it.

He is no longer living with us, so I don't think he would show up on our membership records anyway, as well as our other adult children. I am concerned that my wife will find out and if she knows that I knew and didn't tell her, that would not be good. It won't be pleasant, but I think I'm going to have to convince him to tell his mom that he is no longer a member.

[Korihor]

This is just my opinion and experience. The advice is worth what you paid for it.

Tell your DW at your earliest opportunity. I've learned time and time again - the cover up is always worse than the crime.

Generally speaking, this same advice is applicable to many in our faith transition - we could have digested a lot of the crazy in the church history if only they didn't cover it up.

[Nonny]

In the same boat here. My daughter resigned not long ago and I am unsure whether she has told her dad. I asked her if she wanted me to tell him, and she said she didn't care. She is not planning to make a big announcement about it, and since she is an adult, it is her choice. I don't feel like it is my story to tell, so I haven't. The danger goes both ways I guess, to not be the bearer of bad news or to be one who covers it up.

I had a good counter story to the example of rescuing the inactives and was unable to share it. Sometimes these efforts have the opposite reaction and by reaching out to an inactive person, you actually push them over the threshold. The fact that she resigned does make me sad, not because there is an empty place at the table, but because resigning is viewed as such a serious matter and comes with all that negative energy. It is all so unnecessary to blame and accuse, to be so stubborn and inflexible. Church members need to love others as they are and not have ulterior motives for their proffered friendship.