Letter to Bishop

[GoodBoy]

Here is a letter I wrote my bishop, who is also one of my best friends. Our children are the same age and we have done a lot together. We were friends long before he became bishop.

[Bishop First Name],

I resigned my membership from the church today. I wanted to explain why so that you wouldn't feel bad about yourself or about me. I think the world of you and I truly love your family.

I did a lot of reading and about 6 years ago I became convinced that the church wasn't the one true church. This was a gigantic shock to my system because I have been so completely invested for so long. It was truly traumatic for me and I did a ton of reading and praying and studying to check and double check, and triple check, and then check again because it was an extremely inconvenient conclusion for me and my life and my identity. I've literally spent thousands of hours trying to figure this out.

I have not been offended, did not want to partake in any kinds of sins, did not desire a 10% raise, and have been perfectly content serving in the church and otherwise being a member of this community. I especially care about people like you and your family and hope to maintain and continue friendships.

I don't plan to "deconvert" anybody, including my wife and children. I believe that people are drawn to the church because they feel that they need that in their lives and I have no desire to take that away from them. I have held my tongue around the youth and other members for six years and will continue to do so. As you may remember, during that time I have been supportive of [His son's friend and my oldest daughter's current husband], [His son], [His daughter currently on a mission, my second daughter's best friend], and many others on their missions and of my children attending BYU. This will be my continued approach.

I want my children to choose for themselves what is best for them. [Oldest daughter] and [Second oldest daughter] have said that they want to believe. I respect that. I support them and their husbands in the church and will attend church with them and to travel to baby blessings and baptisms. [My 17 yr old son] wants to continue attending seminary and wants to attend BYU. That is OK with me. [My wife] also wants to remain active and I will support her in that for as long as she wants and plan to also come to church occasionally to support her and my children, and to see you and my other dear friends whom I really love. If [my 15 yr old daughter whom is the president of the mia maids that his wife is the YW advisor for] wants to continue to attend young women activities that is also fine with me.

I take finding truth very seriously. I am ready and willing to do whatever God asks of me. I have pleaded for His guidance throughout this process and believe I have received it.

I resigned not to make a statement, or "stick it to the man", or because I was angry. I have been heartbroken, but not angry throughout this whole process. I did it as a sort of ceremony for just myself like a marriage, or a funeral, or a divorce so that I can grieve and move on. I also did it so that you and/or others wouldn't feel guilty about trying to save me since I'm sure you have noticed my waning activity. In fact the fewer people that know about my resignation, the better in my mind. I am writing because I am sure you will find out eventually.

I will continue to welcome and and feed missionaries and home teachers in my home but of course I am well aware of the arguments that they might make to ask me to just believe again and have obviously considered all of the apologist arguments very carefully over this six year investigation and study. I am happy to talk with anyone. We will continue to drive to dances, hold barn dances, and you are welcome to use our home for campfires, or young women activities or whatever you wish, but I hope to not be drawn into theological debates that are not winnable and only damage friendships.

I have a ton of respect and admiration for you and I hope I haven't damaged our long friendship. I'll help you load the tiller whenever you need it [He borrows mine on a regular basis]. I'll keep my eyes open for apples again this fall and let you know [I usually find free apples for him to pick, help him pick them, and he cans them for his family]. And if you need any more drip tubing please let me know . I have tons of it.

Sincerely,
[GoodBoy]

[Nonny]

That is an excellent letter. Your sincerity and friendship apparent.

You have been traveling down this road for six years and have been a valued member of the community. I sometimes wonder why once members know the truth about your beliefs, suddenly it changes the relationship. You haven't changed, only their perception of you has. I hope your friend is bigger than that.

[Ghost]

Thanks for sharing your letter. I don't know how you could have said things better than you did.

I can't help but wonder how I might have reacted to a friend writing me something like this years ago before I had really questioned things in earnest. It's difficult to say, but it's probably hard to overestimate the shock that might result from just the first sentence.

I've long appreciated your perspective on things in the forums, and I've found your approach helpful in determining my own. I hope that you are able to maintain the relationships that you would like to.

[GoodBoy]

I can't help but wonder how I might have reacted to a friend writing me something like this years ago before I had really questioned things in earnest. It's difficult to say, but it's probably hard to overestimate the shock that might result from just the first sentence.

Thank you Ghost. You are awesome.

I probably did underestimate the shock that this will give him. And I'm truly sorry for his pain.

[Red Ryder]

Hey Goodboy! Nice letter and congrats?

How did the wife come to accept your resignation?

[Corsair]

That's a good letter. I hope it has the intended effect.

[Culper Jr.]

I really appreciate that letter. My feelings about the church are all over the place as I go on... sadness, anger, rage, indifference, sympathy, back to rage... and on and on. You have a very mature and magnanimous attitude toward the church that I hope I can one day adopt.

[Hagoth]

It would be difficult to not be touched by a letter like that. I made the mistake of engaging in an email debate with my oldest friend and it seriously damaged our relationship. I wish I could take it back and instead write a thoughtful letter like this.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

This is persuasion and authenticity done right. Very classy and well done.

[LucyHoneychurch]

I did something similar with my dearest local LDS friend. It was hard, but the right choice. We are still good friends, years later. I'm happy for you, and hope you get the support and compassion you deserve.

[didyoumythme]

Very sincere letter. This is the way it should be done! I feel your pain and your true friendship come through.

[StarbucksMom]

Great letter, Goodboy. I'm kind of jealous, becauase I know you wouldn't have resigned unless your wife was ok with it. Congratulations, hope this brings peace and closure.

[20/20hind]

Great letter! I liked how you compared your resignation to a divorce or ceremony.. thats how i felt when i resigned. In my case i just felt like it was a separation from the church when i stopped going, but when i resigned it was final, divorced..it felt good and still does 6 years later.

You have a good attitude about it all and i admire that. It took me a long time, but getting in the same mind frame as you.

[deacon blues]

Well written thoughts Good Boy. I hope you get an equally thoughtful, empathetic, and considerate reply; and share it here, if you think it would be appropriate. It would be nice to know there are LDS who can be thoughtful, empathetic, and considerate.

[The Beast]

Eloquently well done. I hope it is received with an open mind and heart. All the best to you from the rainy (once again) side.

[SunbeltRed]

Great letter!

[GoodBoy]

Hey Goodboy! Nice letter and congrats?

How did the wife come to accept your resignation?

My wife is now a NOM. She actually didn't want me to resign. But she was out of town and I just did it. When I told her she just kind of shrugged her shoulders and said... "OK. If you think you need to do that to be happy." I appreciate her response. That definitely wouldn't have been her response 6 years ago.

She took my still-valid temple recommend out of my wallet and asked me if she could keep it as a token of remembrance. I said yes.

It is kind of sad. But that is good. I expect to grieve and think it is necessary for me to move on.

[GoodBoy]

I haven't gotten a response so far.

I actually went to sacrament meeting with my family yesterday. I put on the white shirt and tie, and went. Not because I felt obligated to any more, or because I was afraid of offending people, but because I wanted to spend time with my family and see my friends. I saw the bishop and said hi to him and he smiled and patted my back. I'm sure we will have a conversation about it sometime.

I told my kids too, and my teenage kids just kind of said... "OK. That is interesting." Kids are made of clay. They don't really care. They accept new information like that really well.

I realized that the church was a festering wound that just wouldn't heal for me; that I needed to be mentally divorced from the church. I have found that resigning has definitely done that for me. It has only been a week and a half, but already I have gained the apathy that I have wanted for so long. The church is now just another un-true church amongst a thousand others on the planet. I don't worry about the Elder's quorum president texts asking me to report my home teaching. I don't stress that I might be given a new calling that I will have to turn down. I don't feel like I need to hide drinking coffee from my children. I can be myself. I feel like I was intellectually honest. I feel like I don't have to explain myself.

I'm sure that I will lose friends over this. I'm sure I will be judged negatively. But I have weighed that against my own peace of mind, and determined that it is worth the cost. Of course I don't advocate this for everybody, but I'm not sorry I did it.

I tried to log into lds.org today and although my account still exists, when I try to look at my membership it states "You have stated that you are not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Change your membership status to gain full access." Seeing that message was a bit of a shock. So I'm officially out.

[MalcolmVillager]

Good boy, Good boy! Congrats.

[GoodBoy]

Eloquently well done. I hope it is received with an open mind and heart. All the best to you from the rainy (once again) side.

Thank you Beast. Here's hoping the rain will douse the forest fires that have been making us choke on smoke for so long.