Lessons Learned

[GoodBoy]

The hour I first believed the church wasn't true was about 6 years ago. As some of you have noticed, I just resigned a couple weeks ago. NOM has been my support group of choice throughout this whole process and I have over a thousand posts on the old site. Resigning probably makes me not a NOM now so I should probably fade here. However I wanted to share some things that I have learned through this process.

Tell your wife and kids early. You will change as you go through this process and they should be kept up to date so they can change with you. If you change by yourself and then someday you lose it and burst out "Joseph Smith was a manipulative pedofile! I'm out!" It won't go over well. But if they learned and changed along with you, it will go much better. Allow your wife and kids to choose for themselves. Don't break yourself against their desire/need to believe this stuff.

Don't argue with people about theology. These arguments are pointless and you are discussing things that are made-up anyway. Nobody wins and your friendships suffer. You can share undisputed facts if you wish, but don't provide an interpretation. People are believers because they want or need to be. Let them believe. You won't change the world.

Take care of yourself. Draw boundaries and don't let people control you. You can just say no.

I used to think NOMdom was sustainable. I now think that is true for only a rare few folks unless you can retain at least some of your faith. Go slow, but not too slow.

As soon as you stop going to church, you will gain the apathy that you so desire. You will be back here frequently to vent the more you expose yourself to the craziness.

You will lose the respect of some people you care about. It is pretty much unavoidable. Just realize this and try to be OK with it.

Don't kick yourself out of your community by banishing yourself. You have done nothing wrong and don't need to feel ashamed for attending church functions, going up to talk to members of the ward, or continuing your Mormon friendships. They can get used to diversity. Continue to invite them over and go serve them. Hold your head high, and laugh, and be kind with these people. Just avoid talking about religion and politics. It isn't that hard.

Do what makes sense for you. Even if garments aren't magic and are kind of silly, you can still wear them so that people won't judge you. There is no harm in that. We do lots of things that make no sense except to help us fit in.

OK. What lessons have you learned?

[Emower]

Awesome post. Thanks GoodBoy. I have some lessons, but I will wait to post until after I have thought about it. It feels silly posting my lessons learned since I am still in the middle of learning. I guess we don't ever stop learning though and you might as well share.

Tell your wife and kids early. You will change as you go through this process and they should be kept up to date so they can change with you. If you change by yourself and then someday you lose it and burst out "Joseph Smith was a manipulative pedofile! I'm out!" It won't go over well. But if they learned and changed along with you, it will go much better. Allow your wife and kids to choose for themselves. Don't break yourself against their desire/need to believe this stuff.

I cant agree with this more. Secrets are never good. Most people who have them usually wish that they had shared them earlier. There are people on here though that still maintain that secrecy, so there may be some instances where it is possible to do so. Once you do decide to come out though, dont come out with both barrels blazing.

I used to think NOMdom was sustainable. I now think that is true for only a rare few folks unless you can retain at least some of your faith. Go slow, but not too slow.

I used to think this as well. It still requires a certain level of compartmentalization, and not following logic through to extremes. Some people can do that, some cant. For example, Joseph being maybe sort of inspired but largely he made stuff up. Maybe some of the stuff he made up is of beneficial use so go ahead and attend and take the good out of it. Thats fine, but to keep this view I feel like you have to not think about what that means about the current church and its teachings for it to work.

[crossmyheart]

Not sure if I can put this the right way.

I struggled for a long time to be free of the magical thinking. "if I pray harder, maybe____ will happen" "these trials are because I wasn't worthy of the blessings" "I am being punished by God because I didn't do ______ better than I could have" "if I stop wearing garments then my DH will have to live without me in the celestial kingdom and will find a more worthy companion" These thoughts were pervasive in every waking moment for so long.

It was painful. It was heartbreaking. It was heavy to carry around. But those thoughts are now completely gone. Time salves all wounds. I am free.

The lesson I have learned is that we only have one life to live and that we are accountable to ourselves and to humanity but not to a religion. The lesson I have learned is to stop making choices based on superstition and to start living.

Despite my freedom from superstition, I will always be part of the NOMdom in some way as my extended family are forever Mormon. So I lurk here on occasion to find support and to support others.

[MalcolmVillager]

Don't leave us Good Boy. I get it if you visit and comment less frequently, but I love hearing stories from the other side. I want to go towards the light but I need encouragement that it gets better.

I have loved hearing your story, and even shared it with a fellow disaffected member at lunch today. He is going through some $#!+ with his DW.

[SeeNoEvil]

Excellent post Good Boy! I resigned a couple years ago and have wondered myself if I really belong here. But I keep coming back because it is here where it all began and it is here I feel at home.

The biggest thing I learned by leaving was to use my mind. No longer was I under the control of a church or anyone or anything. My thoughts, decisions, hopes and dreams are all mine.

I learned many things about myself and people in general along the way similar to what is on your list. The one thing that stands out I wish I would have done different is taken things slower and not been in such a rush to resign and get the heck out of dodge. Maybe I could have done some good with my new found knowledge had I stayed in and under cover for a bit longer. I'd asked those more critical type questions in Sunday School or with my still TBM family. Could I have planted more seeds of doubt? I didn't stick around to do that and now my TBM family for the most part doesn't really know why I left and doesn't want to talk about it. My grandchildren pray for me everyday that I will come back to the church and my name is a regular on the temple rolls. They fear for my salvation and that really hurts. I will not trade though the wonderful people I've met at the meet ups, relationships formed here on NOM nor the vast amount of knowledge on other religions, science, earth, philosophies, etc, that I would have never opened myself to had I not still been back in the fold.

[Margarita]

Congrats on your resignation. Really,,people will say ..take it slow with the family..and that is okay. Taking it slow is different than secrets. May you have happy days ahead. I admire you.

[SeeNoEvil]

Congrats on your resignation as well. Please don't leave us! Where would we go without you!!

[The Beast]

Thanks for sharing the knowledge GB. NOM would be a lesser place without you regardless of what membership card may or may not be in your wallet.

I have learned by my coming out that my parents and sibs love me enough to not shun me, but that they don't really want to know what my issues are and that's OK. I've also discovered just how little I miss the church in 2 years of not attending. Second Saturday!

[didyoumythme]

Great advice! As a younger Nomie here (based on some age polls and hearing all of your wise life experiences) I appreciate the wisdom. I have seen the truth of many of these tips already.

Also, don't be afraid to consider yourself NOM still. Mormonism is a part of us forever, regardless of how we now relate to it. Many of us will be exposed to Mormon cultural for years to come anyway, so I have tried to embrace the idea that we can all Mormon our own way, even if that means rejecting most/all of the doctrines. You can always be a nom, even if you officially resign. Resigning is just one step you have taken on your journey.