No callings for you! Updated

[MerrieMiss]

I feel bad for my husband. We moved from a well-to-do, upwardly mobile ward to a less affluent, more urban, and very small ward. We’ve been in our new ward for over six months now and he doesn’t have a calling and we don’t have a home teacher. Every time there is a vacancy in the ward he says he thinks this may be his calling, and then it gets filled by someone else. It isn’t that he is aspiring to anything, he genuinely feels like he is being left out and wants to be a part of the ward. He’s a really nice guy, and far more extroverted than I am, so he’s friendly and easy going, pleasant and easy to talk to. It doesn’t help that when we saw his family a while back his dad told us both that there were great callings in store for us in our new ward and how we and our talents can bless our ward. I don’t know that my husband believes that saccharine garbage, but he does feel left out.

I, on the other hand, have a calling, a VT route, and a VT and have been visited by the RS. It’s so unfortunate that I, the person who wants nothing to do with this organization, who skips RS, sits in the car, hasn’t gone to any activities, avoids eye contact, gave an extremely NOM introductory talk, etc. has gotten all of this positive attention while my husband gets nothing.

It’s possible it may be a “the RS is so much more organized than the priesthood” thing, but I wonder if part of it may be related to tithing. In our old ward, deacons came every month for FO and I always had a check ready. No one has ever come to our home so we’ve never paid. And my husband pays (gross) tithing with stocks, which shows up as a zero to the ward. Maybe the bishop thinks he doesn’t pay his tithing. I don’t know.

Part of me is glad that this is the case, but another part of me is sad because I know DH is hurting. There’s also a part of me that hopes he gets a leadership calling because I think it could seriously make him look at things with less rosy glasses. Oh well.

[Anon70]

When you're all-in this can feel like exclusion. I'm sorry he's feeling hurt and you're a good wife to worry about it. I'm with you...maybe a leadership calling would be just the ticket

[2bizE]

I feel sorry for your DH and am offering him my calling as scoutmaster.

[Give It Time]

Buy a pickup truck.

[Korihor]

Buy a pickup truck.

Or a BMW- guaranteed bishopric

[MoPag]

That sucks for your DH! That is also weird of your ward not to put a friendly, dedicated guy to use. My ward could sure use a guy like that. Does your ward get new people very often? Maybe the guys in your ward don't know how to handle new guys?

[nibbler]

I, on the other hand, have a calling, a VT route, and a VT and have been visited by the RS. It’s so unfortunate that I, the person who wants nothing to do with this organization, who skips RS, sits in the car, hasn’t gone to any activities, avoids eye contact, gave an extremely NOM introductory talk, etc. has gotten all of this positive attention while my husband gets nothing.

It’s possible it may be a “the RS is so much more organized than the priesthood” thing, but I wonder if part of it may be related to tithing. In our old ward, deacons came every month for FO and I always had a check ready. No one has ever come to our home so we’ve never paid. And my husband pays (gross) tithing with stocks, which shows up as a zero to the ward. Maybe the bishop thinks he doesn’t pay his tithing. I don’t know.

Could it be a "they don't bake cookies for the people that show up every Sunday" phenomenon? Meaning you're getting the attention because they're afraid you're teetering on the edge.

Sometimes people are invisible. I've been in wards where I was completely invisible for years at a time. That invisibility took on two forms. No calling and being called and forgotten - left to rot in the same calling for many, many years.

[Red Ryder]

Porn, huh?

[Margarita]

I wish...at least for now..he could sit and just enjoy....

In any case, hope he makes some genuine friendships while waiting and I love it that you care so much about him and his feelings...Hugs to you!

[oliver_denom]

You're right about callings being the way a ward includes people. It's just a part of the fabric of Mormonism. There's no real way to be Mormon without some sort of calling, someone to report to, and someone to preside over you. You have to fit somewhere in the chain of command, otherwise no one knows who has the authority to be your friend or meddle in your business. And really, what else is there?

[Give It Time]

Buy a pickup truck.

Or a BMW- guaranteed bishopric

Ain't that the truth.

[asa]

You're right about callings being the way a ward includes people. It's just a part of the fabric of Mormonism. There's no real way to be Mormon without some sort of calling, someone to report to, and someone to preside over you. You have to fit somewhere in the chain of command, otherwise no one knows who has the authority to be your friend or meddle in your business. And really, what else is there?

Excellent comment. I have a stake calling which does not put me in contact with other members and takes me away lots of Sundays. Despite my service as HP Group leader ,YM Pres ,Scoutmaster ,etc it is now as if I didn't exist

[EternityIsNow]

Sounds like your DH needs to socialize with the BP a bit, or with his quorum presidencies. If you don't get on their radar somehow, you don't always get a good calling, or any calling. Contrary to popular TBM belief, callings are not objective, they are not revelations from God, they are a combination of social and emotional decisions by a few decision-makers in the Ward. Also, he just may not be a fit with what the BP wants yet, sometimes a highly capable new member is singled out for a future calling that is just not available yet, so there is a kind of waiting period.

[Dmower]

We moved to a new ward about six months ago, and I've never felt so invisible. Our first week there we were a few minutes late so we sat on the back row of the over-flow. Not a single person turned to see who was coming in and setting up new chairs in back. Then it came time for the sacrament and everyone else in the room was given a chance to participate, but the deacons walked right around us, never even looked at us for me to wave them over. Afterwards not a single person we passed in the hall greeted us.
It was pretty clear that if I wanted to be part of this ward, I was going to have to force my way in. I made sure to introduce myself at the beginning of class every week for at least the first month or two we lived there. I went to the RS activities and made sure to be there a few minutes early to help set up, to be proactive about starting conversations, and to stay late to help clean up. I found the ward Facebook page and introduced myself there and looked for chances to get involved.
When, after a month or two, there was still no sign of a calling coming my way and I still knew almost nobody, I made sure to make myself useful anyways. Primary needed a substitute? I signed up. Relief Society needed a chorister? I raised my hand. I just pushed my way in anywhere I found even the slightest chance to do so. Now, six months later I finally have a calling (though I feel like it's a pretty superficial one, but I'm perfectly okay with that) and have made some friends.
Now, I'm not saying all this so you all can see how *amazing* I am, because clearly I had a fairly selfish motive for all the "service" I did. But, if your DH wants to be part of a ward family that isn't so good at welcoming people in, maybe it's time to start being a bit more proactive. Honestly I feel like that might be harder for a guy because they aren't normally the ones sought after for subs, or attending monthly activities, etc. He could ask for a HT route though, or let the EQ presidency know he's eager for service opportunities and to please call him if there's ever a need. He can make sure to participate in classroom discussions, and even volunteer to teach the occasional lesson. Does he play the piano or lead music? If yes, then he could let the right people know that he's able and willing to help out in those ways. He could ask the primary presidency if there's a substitute teacher sign-up list he can put his name on. He could attend ward choir practice. Does he have any skills that he could pass on to the scouts? He could let the scout master know that he'd be happy to teach a class on the subject. He could volunteer to be on a scout Board of Review (our ward is ALWAYS begging for help in that department).
.
It's hard to be invisible in a strange ward. I hope that your DH is able to find a way to feel at home there!

[a1986]

I can completely relate to your experience, but in reverse. . . my husband was whisked away to a calling in scouts when we moved to the ward we (were) attending. At that time I was still brand new and eager to start working in a calling. We went to that ward for probably 8 months regularly and I never got a calling. I tried so hard to make friends in the beginning, but no one really seemed too interested or had callings of their own and so weren't attending RS regularly, etc. For you--like someone else mentioned, maybe others have caught wind that you are "struggling" and are trying to get you involved as a way to keep you on board? I can so relate to your experience of avoiding eye contact and sitting in the car / skipping RS. I was always so relieved when it was time to leave. To avoid having to talk to anyone I'd rush out of that building so fast!

For me, it was a blessing in disguise. It made the whole becoming inactive thing a lot easier. I'm pretty sure most people probably just thought we moved. . .

[MerrieMiss]

So it only took eight months, and now he has a calling. He’ll be made a high priest in order to fulfill it.

I wasn’t asked or told about it. In fairness, I went on a five minute walk around the block between second and third hour. I ran into my husband and someone else when I came inside and was told about the calling and that it had been accepted. Maybe they looked for me; I don’t know.

I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s pleased. I’m not. I already feel like our family is stretched thin enough as it is. And now, I am the nonbelieving wife of someone who will be sitting in on ward council and other meetings. I don’t know how to be supportive of that.

We haven’t talked about it yet. I’m writing this on my phone, crying a little in the parking lot. I guess we’ll talk about it over dinner.

[Anon70]

Sending cyber-hugs. It's hard when you're not on the same page or place. Good luck.

[Reuben]

I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s pleased. I’m not. I already feel like our family is stretched thin enough as it is. And now, I am the nonbelieving wife of someone who will be sitting in on ward council and other meetings. I don’t know how to be supportive of that.

If he's made any effort to understand your faith journey, this could be a great thing for the ward council. He'll have a perspective that's desperately needed in what too often amounts to an echo chamber.

Sucks about stretching your family thin, though. Will he be happier enough now that he feels included to make up for it?

[Enoch Witty]

This calling and situation sucks. I'm sorry to hear it. Positive vibrations your way, friend.

[MerrieMiss]

So I wasn't considered important enough to consult about this.

Basically, after Gospel Doctrine, my husband was pulled aside and given the calling, he and the Stake person who gave the call ran into me in the hall, husband told me, I asked if they need me for anything (hint, hint) I was told no, so I went to RS (left after about thirty minutes and sat in the car). They did not try to look for me, the stake person did not tell him to talk to his wife. My husband said he felt bad about it all through EQ.

I thought I felt better about things last night. We talked about it, but I woke up livid. And I probably shouldn't have, but I blew up at him before he went to work. (It probably wasn't a good time, but is there ever a good time????) I think it's the first time I've ever put the words lie, sham, and church together in the same sentence in front of him. "It is a lie, it is a sham, that what I think as the wife is important. It is a show, and they didn't even have the decency to pretend otherwise." He said it was sorry and it was his fault. And I suppose he could have said something like, "I think I need to talk to my wife," but let's be honest - the person with the power, the person from the stake, the one who knew what was coming, didn't think I was important. And my husband feeling bad about it is just protecting the church and making excuses for it. Makes me angrier still.

I wouldn't have said no, I might have voiced my concern over the time factor, but I wouldn't have said no. I know it's important to him. But it's just one more instance of me being the person who enables my husband to live the kind of life he lives. His life is moving on while I just sit behind the lines and make certain there's dinner every night, that the bathrooms are clean, that the kids are vaccinated and learning manners and their ABCs and that everyone has clean underwear.

And I don't know what to do about it. Should I be submissive and just go along with it, like I have so far with everything else? Wasn't this the promise I made? Do I wait out the next twenty years until the kids are gone and hope that I'm still around and healthy enough to pursue something, anything, that makes me into a person? Or will there be mission calls, and couple temple assignments or other crap that I'll be expected to do? Or, should I be like my mother-in-law who unabashedly seems to be waiting for her husband to die so she can move on with her life?

I also told him the entire reason I got my TR renewed was for him. That I didn't care about a stupid meaningless piece of paper and that "those people" had no right to say whether I was a good person or worthy of anything, it was meaningless to me, but yet agin, it was another thing I did for him.

I thought things had been getting a lot better between us recently. We'd had a lot of really good discussions and I thought we were coming to a better place of understanding. I was also keeping my mouth shut about a lot of things because we were going to talk about the possibility of paying net tithing and not gross at the end of the month and that was a battle I wanted to win.

It's just one more time that I bow my head and say yes. Damn it, I'm mad.