My son was just diagnosed with autism. He is a few months past three and still not talking. I love him more than anything and this diagnosis doesn't change anything except for making additional services available to us, but I'm so scared for him. I'm mainly scared he won't have friends, won't find a significant other, and won't have a fulfilling career. I'm also scared that he won't understand nuanced thinking and that as he is taken to church, he will be told I am an inferior, non-magic-power wielding father and take it to heart. I'm scared that this means they'll get their hooks in him while he's young and he will never really have the opportunity to view any of these stories as anything other than literal. And that it will hurt our relationship if/when I tell him I don't believe all those things.
Amidst all these worries, my wife and I have no support. There's not a single family member who lives within 1000 miles of us. When I decided to give living a standard Mormon life a shot, I alienated all my non-Mormon friends (most of whom don't live where I do anyway), and now I find that very few Mormon friends are anything more than "friends." There's not even a dependable babysitter in the ward or neighborhood! Between my wife and son and work and hobbies and whatnot, I have little time to help develop new friendships, and as an exhausted introvert, even when I do have time I usually just revert to hanging with family and reading/gaming. I feel the need for closer relationships, but it's so much harder when you're not in school.
School's a whole other issue! I was a straight-A student who wasted a ton of time and a fortune of money on multiple arts degrees that led to a low-paying government job not remotely related to my education. Now in my thirties, I'm finally learning to code, and I'm getting pretty good at it after a year. But I don't have anyone to talk to about it! I have a few friends/acquaintances/colleagues who are professional developers, and they'll talk to me a little, but they're so far past where I am and have no inclination or responsibility to look at my comparatively simple projects. I've tried to find a study group in my town using Meetup, but there's just nothing. Every day when I work on programming (which is ideally every single day), I'm simultaneously thrilled when I get new concepts to work, but so frustrated that I don't have anyone offering feedback, don't have anyone at my level to mutually push each other to get better, and am starting from so far behind. But I also feel this sense of urgency, man. With my son's diagnosis, I need to develop a skill that can actually make money, because I feel a drive to ensure that my son is taken care of, both to obtain services now and to provide comfortable living when we're gone. I've learned a lot in the past year, but I'm past 30 now. It just feels so slowgoing.
I feel annoyed with myself for feeling so unfulfilled and lonely, because my life is great in a number of ways. It's been about a year since I came out as non-believing to my wife, and she has been super cool, and I have felt so great having minimal affiliation with a church that was driving me to suicidal ideation just a few years ago. Despite my unsatisfying job, my wife's career is currently going swimmingly, and we're better off financially than we have ever been. We bought our first house and both have new-ish cars for the first time, and we just paid off our credit card (and are actively churning bonuses/rewards on new ones; credit is an awesome game when you have the means to play).
But perhaps the "mo' money, mo' problems" adage is true, because I just feel a constant crush to get things done, and I have so little external support. None of my family is Exmo. Most of my friends are either Nevermo or TBM, with the Exmos either being indifferent to the church or hostile, of which neither extreme really applies to me (although I'm working on being more indifferent by trying to occupy my time in other ways, but it's hard when Mormons are still living with you and calling and dropping by). I don't have anyone with which to enjoy delicious craft brews or high-quality vape-ables. I don't have anyone to discuss programming with, or Exmormon topics, or parenting of an autistic child.
I'm trying to reach out to my local community in various ways to solve this, but between being introverted, exhausted, stressed, and more inclined to just hang with family, I'm not getting very far. I suggest to my wife that we need to be setting up more play dates for our son, but the only suggestions she can come up with are Mormons. I'm not opposed to that; but it's not going to help me out of my current funk.
How does one start a social life basically from scratch in one's 30s with limited time and inclination to actually put oneself out there?
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