Lurking EXMOs and TBMs in Extended Family

[foolmeonce]

I have the typical HUGE extended family. 60+ some off cousins on one side, primarily all living in Utah. I was born in American Fork, but moved to Texas in '93 when I was 12. Unfortunately/Fortunately, I only get back up to the promised land every 5 years or so. 2 weeks ago my very TBM grandfather died, so I made my way up there to the funeral. He was a good man, very supportive, and would be very devastated to know about my immediate family's decisions to leave the church (me, DW, and 4 children of record), but he has been going through a downward dementia spiral whose timing coincided closely with my downward Mormon spiral. Thankfully, I never had to face his disappointment, which would have been far more painful than him simply forgetting who I am. (How sick is that?)

At any rate, through lots of conversations with cousins, I found out that many more of them are out than the few I knew of. In fact, the overall total disaffection rate is closer to 40%, maybe more. Some are out to their parents and siblings only (I'm probably in that group), a few are out more broadly, but most of us have left have independently and quietly forged our own paths out. I even have a young cousin who resigned when he was 20, and skipped his mission all together, and I had no idea. (How did he grow old enough for a mission anyway? Where did that time go?).

Long story short, we had a couple of "Heathen Night" get togethers after funeral activities where we got to know each other for real, toasted grandpa (several times), and really enjoyed each others' company. I took the liberty of creating a private facebook account for just us heathens and we've had some pretty meaningful conversations already. I can't express the reliefe and true joy I felt knowing that I am far from isolated from my family and don't have to act like a lone wolf.

Chin up NOMMIES, I think that the tide may be turning in Mormondom. At least it is in my extended family.

[Give It Time]

What very lucky find. Hidden treasure, indeed. Condolences about your grandfather.

[Anon70]

Wow! How wonderful for you!

[Nonny]

That's so cool.

[Emower]

That's cool. I have one cousin whose shelf collapsed and he is trying to do the dance, and one who left entirely, but that is it as far as family who are out. Pretty strong Mormon heritage in my family and it is a point of pride. I am not too public about my leaving but I think this is one of the reasons it is hard for my parents.

[The Beast]

In my family, I am a lone man in the garden of hedon. Glad to read of your company though OP.

[Corsair]

This is a common lament among apostates. Finding others who share your lack of testimony is hard. There is no universal sign for identifying someone in a faith transition. I have found only a single third-cousin who has left the church in any public manner. I revealed my apostasy to one brother and that did not go far, but I appear to be surrounded by believers.

[foolmeonce]

This is a common lament among apostates. Finding others who share your lack of testimony is hard. There is no universal sign for identifying someone in a faith transition. I have found only a single third-cousin who has left the church in any public manner. I revealed my apostasy to one brother and that did not go far, but I appear to be surrounded by believers.

Yeah, it's really tough. Most stay under cover until they're REALLY out and ok with posting pictures on FaceBook of them holding a beer or a Starbucks. Last summer my closest cousin had a 1 day layover in DFW and was being pretty wishy washy about coming over to my house. I figured it was because he got wind that I was leaving the church and was trying to do as Han Solo suggests and keep his distance without looking like he was keeping his distance. I finally decided to actively not take the victim poor me mentality and forced a meet up by telling him that I was driving an hour to his Hotel and there was nothing he could do about it. I did preface our face-to-face with an email that said, "Hey, I'm leaving the Church, but I really think we should still be friends. I won't make a big deal about it if you don't." I figured screw it, if the relationship is going to die over this, let him be the one to kill it.

He immediately responded with, "Dude, we definitely need to meet up. You and I are more aligned than you think." We had a great night, his wishy washiness had nothing to do with me, and I taught him how to drink a rum and coke while he taught me how to smoke a cigar.

[foolmeonce]

That's cool. I have one cousin whose shelf collapsed and he is trying to do the dance, and one who left entirely, but that is it as far as family who are out. Pretty strong Mormon heritage in my family and it is a point of pride. I am not too public about my leaving but I think this is one of the reasons it is hard for my parents.

I have strong pioneer stock heritage as well. At grandpa's funeral, we apostates got a pretty good lecture by my aunt during her talk. That was fun. The older generation cycles through the grief cycle on a pretty frequent basis without ever getting out. They've had a pretty good idea on the total numbers of kids who have left as they compare notes, but they won't tell any of the younger generation in an effort to contain the virus.

(Oh, and it's been a while since I've heard a grown man pray to get back from church safely. That brought me back.)

[foolmeonce]

In my family, I am a lone man in the garden of hedon. Glad to read of your company though OP.

That's really rough. It's the same way for me amongst my siblings and parents. My two brothers are solidly in and I am solidly the apostate. I'm also the oldest and the one who at one time encouraged them to go young men's, get to seminary, go on missions, get married in the temple, etc.

So, they're obviously confused and frustrated by the whole apostate older brother thing. Guess they get to play Nephi and Jacob now.

Man life's a b!#(H.

My wife and kids are out though, so I'm doing really good.