Hurt and betrayal

[Meilingkie]

It’s rather quiet in the office.
It’s busier than ever in turnover and container-count.
But the customer-helpdesk is running very smoothly, maybe too smooth by my tastes.
Few calls, even fewer mails. Let alone big problems for me to solve or intervene in.
So it seems we have gotten most gremlins out of the systems and minds.
It’s scary in a sense, like being in the eye of a storm.
Then again, after 2 years can we finally relax a little at work?

It leaves me with ample time to reorganize my thoughts and to let them wander about.

John Dehlin posited a very powerful train of thought in the podcast with NewNameNoah.
And it perfectly caught my rationale to leave the Church.

It’s immoral to let people believe in a narrative that’s proven false, a narrative that lets people organize their lives, dictate their pool of partners to pick from, which in my country is a mere puddle, guides career-choices, amount of children, expenses. It influences everything.
It sure did influence my life from the ground up.

Had I chosen my current wife?
No, she wasn’t what I looked for in a mate back then, au contraire !
But the pond containing LDS-mates in Holland is like a Scottish restaurant, little choice and nothing what you really like.

Had I even met her outside of Church?
No.

Had I had children?
No, probably not, not cut out to be a dad, and never have been.

Had I stopped my studies?
No, probably not.
I would have saved money, and started a lot better in life than I did, than we did.

When I found out about all things, I felt betrayed, I felt hurt, duped, taken advantage of, stupid.
And it got worse with each staggering revelation. It nearly tore my marriage apart.
I really wondered why I had married in the first place, to get a f***-permit, yes. Like so many LDS youngsters.
And many more things besides.

DW wasn’t interested in my pain back then, didn’t feel the pain I had.
Her pain was different and based on other things.
Things she could not, would not talk about years ago.
In the end The Church did bring us together, physically and mentally.
Only now is she opening up, about her own pain, about her troubled past.
We would not have had such a good relationship as we have had the last months without removing the Church from our lives. Open candid conversation helped.
The Church is causing her now to look back on her life, and the role of the Church in it.
So now I am out, and DW is considering her options. In full freedom and without guilt.

DW was rather emotional Saturday as we talked about moving.
Stupid me asked why we would sacrifice the yard, as we often use it for parties and the like.
She wants us to move to an condo near a local mall.
And she said:

I am no longer going to pay in any way for my mother’s misguided and folly decisions about how to live her life.
Mom decided to become a member of a “Church”, and forced it upon us.
Mom decided to have many more kids than she could afford, ruining Dad’s health as he worked and worked and worked, and paid double tithing in the meantime.
Mom decided to push me through Seminary, and do a paper-route every morning as a kid, which caused me not to go get the education I wanted.
Mom decided to leave me alone with my 3 very young siblings for 5 weeks every year for 4 years straight, while she went to play Mr. and Mrs. Holier-than-thou in the Temple with my dad and big-sister.
So I am most definitely no longer going to live in a house, that no longer works for me which has a yard, and stairs to climb, just to have one place in the family where we can accommodate them all at the same time just to keep Mom happy.
A house which I can’t keep clean and keep organized because of my failing Health.

The trauma is real, and only now coming out.
The chickens are coming home to roost…… at last.

(edited formatting)

[Linked]

Well said Meilingkie, your comments resonated with me. Our entire lives were built around this church and it's claims.

I have also been thinking about Dehlin's comments on the immorality of the actions of church leaders. We were dupes, and so were our parents. The church leadership has also been duped, but at some point one of them will recognize what Dehlin pointed out, and if they are brave they will do something about it.

[Guy]

Wow! I just love reading your posts Meilingkie!

[MalcolmVillager]

I loved that section comment by JD as well. Honestly I live a charmed life and I am the person the church was built for. Straight, white, middle class, educated, horny male.

I love my wife and our kids. Life has been good to me, but there still are things I would have done differently and would counsel young Malcolm to do differently.

Just because it mostly worked out for me for several decades doesn't justify the means. It is dishonest. They have coerced and manipulated millions onto poor decisions.

[NOMinally Mormon]

Yes, `duped` is an apt description. Sometimes I feel like a total idiot for falling for it.

[deacon blues]

Honest communication, with love. Isn't that the best one can hope for? Thanks for honest sharing, M.

[Corsair]

The trauma is real, and only now coming out.
The chickens are coming home to roost…… at last.

This is an amazing post, Meilingkie. You have captured pain and hope in a profound resonance. Good luck as you move forward. Building a new life over that long past string of circumstances and decisions is tough. Most of us had more than a few good situations and benefits of LDS culture, but virtually none of us really want to continue in the same path.

[moksha]

... like a Scottish restaurant, little choice and nothing what you really like.

Meilingkie, I loved this analogy. It made me think of America's most famous Scottish restaurant and the choice between a Big Mac and a Quarter Pounder. That is like a choice between black licorice and haggis or kidney disease and liver disease.

[GoodBoy]

Beautiful and thoughtful. Thanks.