It Is What It Is - Take 2

[Enough]

"Watching" myself react the way that I have -- just to writing a d*&% post -- and the discomfort that followed -- makes me kind of sick to my stomach.

I joined NOM (NOM.1) 5.5 years ago. My zealously TBM parents had just "outed" me to my whole extended family in a group e-mail that I got at the same time that everyone else in my family got it. I wish I could recover the post where I furiously ranted about how violated and shamed I felt that day. My family relationships have never been the same.

I created the handle/avatar "Enough" on NOM to represent two things for me: I wanted to say "Enough is Enough!" -- meaning: I am NOT going to put up with the judgmental passive-aggressiveness (and other stuff) ANY MORE! ...to claim my identity apart from the restrictive and misogynist cards I have been dealt. And, I wanted to say that "I AM Enough -- As Is."

As I sit here today FIVE+ FREAKING YEARS later -- I cannot say that the judgmental passive-aggressiveness (from my family) has changed a bit. And, at the Church level -- I've experienced only Retrenchment and more consequent problems in real-life experience. Frankly, I continue to struggle to feel like I am "Enough". It is painful -- because of what IT IS! But, there's more. There's a whole additional level of hurt/harm that is SELF-inflicted because I cannot MAKE myself feel/do/be better! In Buddhism, it's referred to as the "second arrow". It bothers me so much that my quiver is still full of those arrows, and that I regularly launch them at myself. I know better, right?!

But, on Thanksgiving Day -- A day that is supposed to be full of warm and fuzzy feelings about/with family and gratitude for life... I was feeling really resentful....Resentful that I live in a world where I am ACTUALLY quite full of goodness, compassion, wisdom, and love. I work in a "helping" field -- and people often recognize and express great gratitude for the "gifts" that I bring to the table. Yet, most people in my family or in my church cannot see through my Mormon non-compliance (aka defiance), feminism, intellectualism, and overall "sinfulness" (e.g. I drink Diet Coke; Yeah -- my Mom believes that CHOCOLATE is against the Word of Wisdom! ) Many people in my world can't see me at all through the dark and moldy filters...I'm just a "broken, misguided person." That is hard. And, I hate it. And, I hate it when I use the word "hate."

Like I said in the post that that I edited (because I still can't stand to be seen in a not-so-bright-and-shinily-perfect way... THANKS Mormon Perfectionistic Indoctrination!!!) -- I am just tired of managing my religious/spiritual life. I don't feel like I should HAVE TO, but in reality -- I do have to. I don't live in a bubble (although sometimes that sounds awesome) where my feelings, beliefs, and actions have no effect on people. I love my family. I love my TBM DH and my 1 (resigned) son, and my 1 "apostate" son (age 20, not going on a mission), and my 2 fully-invested TBM teenagers, AND my Autistic-11-year-old son who is just happy if he gets to play with his fidget spinner during Primary. But, it is HARD to be the mother/wife/independent person -- juggling all of these issues, responsibilities, and relationships is just very, very hard.

So -- For those who missed my original rant because I took it away: You didn't really miss anything. Here's another one.

In the end, I guess I am *still* just Enough-in-progress. It may always be that way. I need to just get used to it. I wish I could.

[Enough]

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Mods- please delete the duplicate/random posts. Clearly, I don't know how posting works!

[Red Ryder]

Mods- please delete the duplicate/random posts. Clearly, I don't know how posting works!

Ha! Leave it. It reflects your anguish all too well. I'm sitting here laughing picturing you hitting the enter key 4 or 5 times in frustration yelling " I am good enough damnjt, I am good enough!..."

Thanks for letting me laugh at you!

[No Tof]

It is what it is....... I love your post.

I join with you in your sadness about why it is this way, and wish I could offer you a way out. I don't know any way. I just have a sense that it is better then faking it in the mormon weird way I did for fifty years.

I think it is better to have conflict with those you love then to live a life without conflict but also without authentic communication about issues worthwhile. My attitudes won't win me any popularity contests but I have come to peaceful terms about that too. For some of us introverts, it feels better to have one real friend then to have a ward of church acquaintances.

I hope you eventually find the peace you seek. I hope you realize you are indeed Enough.

[Enough]

Mods- please delete the duplicate/random posts. Clearly, I don't know how posting works!

Ha! Leave it. It reflects your anguish all too well. I'm sitting here laughing picturing you hitting the enter key 4 or 5 times in frustration yelling " I am good enough damnjt, I am good enough!..."

Thanks for letting me laugh at you!

RR— Thanks for making ME laugh! You know me, a little too well! Yes, you have rightly imagined the *ARE-YOU-KIDDING-ME?* - scene in my office this morning, the keyboard punching and the swearing that went on — OUT LOUD, no less! (I was trying to edit, but accidentally quoted myself 5 Times). Yep.

My name is Enough. And, I’m an Editing Addict (a Technologically Challenged one, at that.)

[SeeNoEvil]

Great post! Again I offer you my warmest hugs and support. I am so sorry that your family and ward have treated you that way. I had a nice response typed up which I saved when I had to run an errand.... came back and now can't find it! So a shorter version is this; your family and friends are missing out on a wonderful you! It is their loss they can't see what the rest of the world sees and that is, you are enough! From day one when I first started reading your posts and saw your avatar I saw you as someone who was enough, not never enough.

I think it is better to have conflict with those you love then to live a life without conflict but also without authentic communication about issues worthwhile. My attitudes won't win me any popularity contests but I have come to peaceful terms about that too. For some of us introverts, it feels better to have one real friend then to have a ward of church acquaintances.

This reminded me of a good friend who would always say "Choose your battles carefully." And for many of us, because we no longer fit the Mormon mold in the slightest degree we become the enemy. Who would have thought a church would be where our greatest battles might be fought with painful losses and no victory in sight. Nowhere in my wildest dreams could I have imagined battle lines be drawn over the drinking of coffee, wearing different underwear, wanting to actually think for myself or .... be myself. Who could have foreseen we'd be outnumbered by those Christian Soldiers who once were our friends, our family, tribe and where we called home. On days when my own family makes me feel like I am not enough it helps a bit to remind myself they can't know what they don't know. {{{Enough}}}

[MalcolmVillager]

So many years later and little, if any, progress with the family. So sorry Enough!

I feel blessed that my DW is coming along a bit, my youngest girls are very open minded (the older 2 may have been too far along the straight and narrow, or maybe they are just doing what we taught them). Mom is very sympathetic, dad is aware of the mess but thinks it is still all true.

Sorry that you are so stuck in the middle!