My sister has taken her own life

[sparky]

This week my dear sister fell victim to the storm of mental illness that has plagued her the last few years. It was a terrible burden for her and her family, and they never could get the treatment quite right. It either didn't do enough, or it calmed the mental storm but suppressed her personality along with it. It eventually became too much for her to bear, and she saw no other way out. She left behind several young children who will grow up without a mother.

Being the only nonbeliever in my family (as far as I know, I'm still closeted myself), it has felt strange and foreign to see everyone's attempts to comfort themselves, with stories of her finally finding peace on the other side of the veil, of an eventual reunion with her, of resurrection with a perfect mind and body, of this ordeal as a test from God that will teach us survivors Important Life Lessons that we need to know for our Eternal Progress. These are mindsets that used to be mine, but are now are utterly foreign to how I see the world.

Me, I can't believe any of that stuff anymore. It's not that I don't want it to be true, I just can't believe it. To me, she had a tragically troubled mind, the result of severe postpartum depression, which has to be one of the cruelest afflictions nature has to offer us humans. And now she is gone. Not in some spirit world. Just gone. I keep asking myself if there was anything more I could have done—could I have reached out more? Reassured her that she was a good mother, she was talented and unique and gave so much to those around her? Called her more? Sent letters or cards? I don't know. I just know that this life is not fair, and sometimes things cannot be fixed, and there's no one on high sending these cruelties down as sadistic "tests" for us mortals. It's just life.

It is just a tragedy for everyone. I'm posting my thoughts and feelings here because I can't talk this way with anyone in my real life. If I did, my poor mother's heart would be even more broken, thinking she's now lost one child temporarily and one eternally. Hearing her crushed, sobbing voice when she told me of my sister's death, I don't know that I'll ever be able to share my "spiritual death" with her.

[Not Buying It]

I am so, so sorry. I know it does no good for me to say it, but please don't blame yourself, the illness is to blame, not you or anyone else. Family members shouldn't blame themselves for this anymore than they would a death of a loved one from cancer or a heart attack or anything like that. It was a death from a medical condition. But again, I am so sorry.

[Emower]

I havent had to go through loss like this with my transition. I dont know how I will handle it. I cannot be easy, I am so sorry. In some ways the new worldview makes it easier, maybe sometimes not. We all do the best we can here.

[Enough]

I am so very sorry to hear this. I can only imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes. But, I can imagine...and it is heartbreaking.

My son was involuntarily hospitalized last year, with serious suicidal ideation. I wasn’t there. One of his professors (out-of-state) drove him to the ER. My son made it through. But, it could have EASILY gone the other way. These things are so difficult to understand.

I do know that life can become so overwhelming for some... including your sister and my son—- so difficult that it becomes impossible to see a way out of the intense pain.

I’m so sorry for your loss...and for the painful questions and “what if’s” that you might be experiencing now. There’s not much I can say that will help...but from my heart to yours: Much Love. <3

[Red Ryder]

Sorry to hear such bad news from you Sparky. I hope your family can find peace.

[Mad Jax]

It's always tempting to create a sort of "bright side" to any situation and I think that's the impetus for someone being "on the other side." When you don't believe, it's really not possible, and I won't attempt to dishonor your pain here by offering up a disingenuous false salve.

Mental illness runs in my family, but it took a number of afflictions to hit us (including myself) to really sink home that it is an illness, it is not some kind of "spiritual deficiency" and it needs to be treated with a scientific, medicinal approach. Is your family able to find some kind of acceptance that way? We've been lucky that we haven't had a suicide in the close family yet. I can only imagine how much hurt you're feeling.

I genuinely hope you find some kind of comfort in some way, but even with some insight I genuinely don't know how to offer that. If it means anything to you, it's good to share and remind some of us to keep our eyes open and listen. Take care.

[MerrieMiss]

I am so very sorry to hear this. An extended family member of mine took his life this week too, and I can’t imagine how difficult it is to lose a sister, particularly as a closeted unbeliever with no one to talk to.

Postpartum depression is real and it is terrible. NBI is right – don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s an illness. I had it more than once, and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. It’s hard to explain how uncontrollable it is and there’s this really perverse part of it where you believe, even “know” (in the Mormon sense of the word, where you know something deeply within yourself that isn’t true) everyone is truly better off without you. The Mormon ideation and glorification of motherhood exacerbates it, I think. It’s important that people don’t blame themselves for her illness, especially her children. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to hear how this experience is a test and making it out to be faith promoting in some way. It isn’t. It’s a terrible, terrible tragedy.

I am sorry for you and your loss, for her children and family, for her extended family that tries to make reason out of something that is so completely unreasonable. Much love.

[Thoughtful]

I am so very sorry for what you're going through. I hope that you have access to some real grief support--I think grief is about the worst of the human emotions, the most painful, and unfortunately the most neglected among LDS families. Please look for a grief worker or a grief group to support you. There may be one specific to death by suicide and the fallout that that leaves behind.

I work directly in suicide prevention and I think that it's so tricky because it can be prevented, but maybe only if factors align correctly. Even suicide prevention people miss seeing the signs when we don't have the full picture. When my nephew died by suicide 7 years ago last week, it was an incredibly dark time for me, but even more so for my spouseman. Nephew was the best man in our wedding, really like a younger brother to my man.

I felt when my nephew died that our theology around suicide and sealings was woefully inadequate. It's so convoluted what we even believe about taking a life, vs mental illness and it's one of those unfortunate areas where "it will all work out in the end" is just not cutting it. I hope that you can do some major self indulgent soul care before the funeral services--the more I attend LDS funerals the more I feel that we are avoidant of the feelings and pain, and therefore it's exacerbated, shame-filled, and unresolved for a long time because it's silenced with "WE KNOW we don't have to be sad, we can shed one tear now but know that it will all be fine". Well sometimes it's just not fine and it's not going to be fine, and we need to process that. I hope you can find some people to share with openly. Big warm hugs to you.

[MalcolmVillager]

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and sending live your way. This is so painful for all involved. I hope they can a find peace in their way.

[wtfluff]

My deepest condolences to you sparky. I've lost a few folks close to me to suicide; I prefer referencing it the way one of my favorite musical groups did in song: "The act of a noble warrior; Who lost the will to fight."

[sparky]

Thank you for your kind words, everyone.

I know it does no good for me to say it, but please don't blame yourself, the illness is to blame, not you or anyone else. Family members shouldn't blame themselves for this anymore than they would a death of a loved one from cancer or a heart attack or anything like that. It was a death from a medical condition.

Yes, this is exactly how I see it and how I encouraged my mother to see it. That part of her body just wasn't functioning as it should.

It's always tempting to create a sort of "bright side" to any situation and I think that's the impetus for someone being "on the other side." When you don't believe, it's really not possible, and I won't attempt to dishonor your pain here by offering up a disingenuous false salve.

Thank you. To be clear, I certainly don't blame or look down on my family for thinking this way. And I am sincerely glad that it does offer them some measure of comfort in times like these. It just doesn't work for me.

As some have mentioned, Mormon theology on mental illness is woefully inadequate. I think Holland and others have been trying to address that, but when your doctrine and theology is based entirely on feelings and emotions, then there's really no way to have an accurate, thorough, and helpful understanding of mental illness in which feelings and emotions go inexplicably awry.

[Evil_Bert]

You have my deepest sympathy. Suicide causes so many ripples that everyone around it is impacted.

[moksha]

Hearing her crushed, sobbing voice when she told me of my sister's death, I don't know that I'll ever be able to share my "spiritual death" with her.

Coping with such a loss is hard. Condolences to you and your family. When someone you love commits suicide it sharpens your perception and sense of empathy when you encounter others suffering from depression. When you do, be kind and it will help relieve any sense of pent-up guilt you might be currently feeling.

As far as sharing your own unique beliefs with your mother, it still can be done once there has been ample time for her to grieve adequately. BTW, the term spiritual death is enough to give anyone the willies.

[Wonderment]

Sparky, I am so very sorry for this sad event, and I send you deepest sympathy and condelences. I am grateful that you shared this with us, so that we can be here in some small way to mourn with you and offer support. Blessings to you, from Wndr.

[Hagoth]

I'm so sorry, Sparky. We have a family member who suffers in very similar ways and there have been many times when we were afraid to answer the phone. He has told us that when that day comes it will not be because he doesn't want to live but that he simply can't to live a nightmare anymore. Even if you don't believe your sister has found peace in another world, I hope you can find solace in the thought that she has found peace from this one. Now the burden shifts to those who remain behind to work it out for themselves and each other.

Hugs. And best to all of you.

[SeeNoEvil]

Sparky I'm so sorry for your loss! Please feel all of our big cyber hugs and know you and your family are in our hearts. NOM is always a safe place to come when you need to "talk", a shoulder to cry on and lots of hugs. I have close family who suffer from mental illness and have attempted suicide, so I know a bit of what you might have struggled with your sister. You have my deepest sympathy. It is such an unfair and ugly illness. Take care.

[EternityIsNow]

So sorry to hear this. I've had to process 4 deaths in my family since my shelf fell (parents and a sibling of mine) including a mid-life suicide (BIL), and all I can offer is that I think you have an advantage over the TBMs in processing grief. You can face the reality and go through the grieving process, rather than denying that it exists, which effectively only delays the pain or makes the pain subtle and chronic.

As some have mentioned, Mormon theology on mental illness is woefully inadequate. I think Holland and others have been trying to address that, but when your doctrine and theology is based entirely on feelings and emotions, then there's really no way to have an accurate, thorough, and helpful understanding of mental illness in which feelings and emotions go inexplicably awry.

Well stated. I think the LDS approach to most emotional events in life is pathological, due to a deficiency of logic and reason. The church causes so much pain in those who do not have the ability to compartmentalize the logical inconsistencies.

I hope you can stay strong in this and eventually help your family accept the reality, and honestly go through a grieving process. Their mental and even physical health may depend on that. An example ... my mother did not process the grief and trauma of losing her second husband well at all, I kept asking her to get help, even come live with us, to have more emotional support. She stayed alone and a few months after he died, she developed cancer and also died within a few years. Decades sooner than she should have gone (she was otherwise robust, and her mother lived into her late 90s).

I know it is hard being the only 'disbeliever' in this situation, hang in there!

[Reuben]

So sorry to hear this, sparky. You have my cyber-support, for whatever it's worth.

I keep asking myself if there was anything more I could have done—could I have reached out more? Reassured her that she was a good mother, she was talented and unique and gave so much to those around her? Called her more? Sent letters or cards? I don't know.

I think the answer is maybe, but probably not.

I've been down the depression road before, arrived at the abyss, and stared into it while frantically backpedaling. What was happening felt out of my control. Above all, it felt incredibly lonely. I could be surrounded by friends and family and still feel alone, alien and worthless. Compliments were usually suspect. Even when they weren't, their positive effect didn't last long, and the darkness and loneliness would close in again.

Another thing that made it difficult for other people to help was that they generally couldn't know what was going on, because I couldn't tell them. I usually couldn't even tell my wife. I had a mental block about everything to do with my condition. When I thought about saying something, the words wouldn't arrange themselves into coherent sentences. Even getting the motivation to say something was hard.

I guess what I'm saying is that depression, by its nature, defies outside help. A few more nice gestures are just that: nice. Actual help requires a great deal of time and care, and even then it might not be enough.

[alas]

So sorry to hear this. Any death of a loved one is hard, but it is especially hard when it is a young person, or if you are left wondering if there was something you could have done to prevent it. So sorry for what you are dealing with.

I had a nephew commit suicide a few years ago. Even with the best medical care, it is hard to get the medication right, and sometimes it is just impossible to prevent. So, don't waste time or energy in wondering what you could have done. You did the best you knew how.

[Mormorrisey]

I've been taking a break from NOM, but a post like this deserves more than silence. I'm so sorry for your loss.

NBI said it much better than I ever could.

I know it does no good for me to say it, but please don't blame yourself, the illness is to blame, not you or anyone else. Family members shouldn't blame themselves for this anymore than they would a death of a loved one from cancer or a heart attack or anything like that. It was a death from a medical condition.