Even good changes are scary

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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LostGirl
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Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:43 pm

Even good changes are scary

Post by LostGirl » Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:49 pm

My DH has been doing a lot of uncorrelated reading and listening. He makes a lot of comments in private that if said at church would be considered too critical, especially about current leaders.

I don't think he is on the verge of leaving as he still also makes many comments that indicate a deep commitment to the church.

What interests me is my personal reaction to his changing views. Part of me would like nothing more than for us to be completely on the same page and I am so happy that we can more openly discuss the issues. But then I try to visualise what it looks like if we both left and it gets really scary really quickly, mostly because then the reality of telling friends and family and kids sets in.

I don't think I am really looking for support, and I'm thinking about something that might not happen for years. I just needed to tell the echo chamber I think. Nothing about the stories of those on this board is simple, that's for sure.

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MerrieMiss
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Re: Even good changes are scary

Post by MerrieMiss » Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:58 pm

LostGirl wrote:
Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:49 pm
My DH has been doing a lot of uncorrelated reading and listening. He makes a lot of comments in private that if said at church would be considered too critical, especially about current leaders.

I don't think he is on the verge of leaving as he still also makes many comments that indicate a deep commitment to the church.
I'm in a very similar place. I wrote up a post about it, but I hesitate to share. I'm always uncertain whether I am breaking some kind of confidence. Anyway, my husband has come a long way. I don't think the dissonance is heavy yet, but it's obvious some things trouble him and at least now I know he has a shelf.
LostGirl wrote:
Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:49 pm
What interests me is my personal reaction to his changing views. Part of me would like nothing more than for us to be completely on the same page and I am so happy that we can more openly discuss the issues. But then I try to visualise what it looks like if we both left and it gets really scary really quickly, mostly because then the reality of telling friends and family and kids sets in.
And this is fascinating. Redjay made a post in mixed-faith marriages about this, and I have mixed feelings about where my own marriage could go. There's a lot of uncertainty. I feel like I've reached a status quo with myself, but I'm uncertain how much I want him to change. In my head, he would change in all the ways I want him to and it would go just as I plan. Life, in my experience, rarely goes as I plan it. "Gets scary really quickly" is an accurate description.

Thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear how other people are doing.

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LostGirl
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Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:43 pm

Re: Even good changes are scary

Post by LostGirl » Mon Feb 12, 2018 9:07 pm

Thanks merriemiss. Is always good to know that we are not alone in our complicated lives. You are right that things rarely turn out how we think they will. I have tried to become more philosophical about this and just roll with it. I know from the experiences of many here that things could be a lot worse.

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Jeffret
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Re: Even good changes are scary

Post by Jeffret » Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:43 am

Changes are scary. Especially changes to your foundational worldview, such as changing how you think of the Church. You never know how you'll come out the other end. It's scarier when it's someone else doing it. We have a pretty good sense of what we're thinking and where we're going -- at least we like to think so. It's much harder to know that about someone else, no matter how intimate we are with them. If they change about something so significant to them as church, will the also change about us? That's scary.

It's important for all of us going through a change like that, where we are changing with regards to the church, to recognize how our changes affect our partners. Not just about the church and how important it is to them, but also about our relationships. If we can demonstrate a continued or even increased devotion to our partner and our relationship that can help assuage some of the fears. And even strengthen the relationship through what can be a challenging time. Sometimes the relationship really didn't have the foundation to begin with to survive such changes, but I believe that many can survive and improve if we work on it. Though their shouldn't be guilt or shame if it doesn't.

For some of us, we've been in a holding pattern for many years. We've learned how to navigate the current dynamics. We know where each other stands. Even if a spouse starts to question the Church more, something we've long desired, it's quite normal to have some apprehension about the changes and what they will mean.
"Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see" (Charles Hart, "The Music of the Night")

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alas
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Re: Even good changes are scary

Post by alas » Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:33 pm

I know I would be anxious if my husband changed his view toward the church. Even though it might very well be wonderful, it also could be a problem. Some who disaffect don't deal well with it in a healthy way.

An example is, I have one friend who her DH apostatized years ago. She finally had her shel collapse and rather than giving them things they could talk about or him being able to support her, it just made things worse. He had the attitude of OK, you are out, end of subject. He could not accept her need to process her new world view. If church topics come up around family, he has been known to stomp off. Any time church comes up at all, his reaction is anger. So, she processed her loss of belief, but he seems to have gotten stuck in the irrational anger stage and never moved past it. He has not believed for some 25 years and still becomes angry if family members bring up any church topic at all.

So, I think that any major change in a spouse is a major change for both partners. We never know how they will want to handle things. Maybe they will want to pull the bandaid off all at once and tell people like parents or children that we have grown comfortable pretending with. Maybe they will take up drinking beer, wine, whiskey? What if they want to resign? We get comfortable being a mixed faith marriage, then they change it.

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