The many Ps in life.....

[Lithium Sunset]

I am somewhat desperately reaching out on here.... I just feel I will get some genuine perspectives and insight. Especially from the men. I may just be willing to damage myself and never be open to another relationship again.

What are the many Ps I am referring too? How about pronography, or paramour, or prostitues, or p... not that one...it’s too vulgar.
Yet I have been thrust into a vulgar world. I mentioned on the old board how my husband joined the church after I learned about him Skyping with another woman and I learned right as my shelf crashed that it was all a lie. He never believed. He even had my two sons join with him. Life was supposed to get better (it eventually got a lot better in the sense that the Mormon religion did not hold my mind hostage anymore but that took time). I don’t have the energy to go into it all and since I am in the middle of a contested divorce I know I shouldn’t.

Here is why I am ever bothering to write this post. I am devastated. He has been so horrible and now I find out he has been paying for prostitutes for years. He is the only one I have ever been with. We married when I was 19 and I will turn 40 this year. I don’t want to go into pornography but I know many men on here are fine with looking at it. My point is.... how many men don’t seem to have to ability to be faithful to one woman? This makes me want to be alone forever. Being alone means I wont have to constantly get tested for STDs. I don’t have to worry about religion or politics.

I guess I am pathetically looking for men on here to say, yeah, there are good guys out there and you will be “enough” for them, or yeah, we are too wandering for our own good and you’re better off alone if you don’t want them to find fulfillment elsewhere.
I had been building up strength, courage, and hope and now my posiblilties of a future relationship feel gone. I don’t want to go through this again. Too many lies, too many secrets, to much risk, too much damage to mental health that leads to physical damage. I was holding on to the fact that there are men out there who have been cheated on too. There are narcissitic sociopath/psycho women just like men but now I don’t think I can trust at all.

Sorry... Thanks.

[A New Name]

I think you forgot a "P". You've had one too many "Pricks" in your life. Not all men are Pricks. But don't be in a rush. Now that your window for men is open to the world, you have so many more opportunities.

[No Tof]

I’m really sorry to read your post. On Valentine’s Day no less.

I don’t have any valid advice. From a place in the church when we trusted those fuzzy feelings to mean a confirmation from god to now realizing we’re most likely on our own, I can only hope you find happiness.

The one thing I trust is that being outside the box you can gauge your choices on your own rational mind. We can take relationships slow, and can get to know another person as much or as little as we choose.

I believe there are good people out there and also think you’ll have a better chance of finding someone with your eyes wide open without the lenses of church to filter things.

Wish you success and peace.

[Jeffret]

I thought one of the Ps was going to be "priesthood". Maybe that was the one that was too vulgar to mention.

I'm sorry you've had so much trouble and ended up with such a horrible "partner". I put the word "partner" in quotes because what you describe isn't a real partner. Yours is one who's primary interest is in himself.

There are a lot of good, solid partners out there, men and women. Some who have loved, supported, and cared for each other for decades. And unfortunately there are a lot of "partners" who never make any real effort, or worse are abusive, unfaithful, or just plain difficult. Some of these partnerships start at a relatively young age and last decades. Some start young but are cut short in an untimely fashion. And some bloom later in life. I don't see any reason why you couldn't move from your "partner" to a real authentic partner. It happens all the time. It's probably best to take a break first, though, and establish yourself as who you are without having to deal constantly with the lout you unfortunately got connected with at a young age.

[Red Ryder]

I'll just echo what's said above. There are plenty of dudes on the planet that don't chase prostitutes, that do cherish women for their inherent strengths and inner beauty, and respect a strong monogamous marriage. Really, there are!

Lith, you deserve a man who can love and respect you. Don't feel like you have to be tossed out to single sisterhood at 40!!

You're still young and would make a great partner in a real relationship built on trust.

Hell, we don't even know you IRL, and I bet any of us guys married to TBM wives would date you if we found ourselves kicked to the curb for losing our testimonies. Uh, that sounds weird, you know what I mean.

So hang in there and get past the divorce and then go conquer the world! Focus on yourselves and find your passions and hobbies that make you happy. You'll probably find someone who shares those with you. You never know!

Lastly, here's another P for you: Pamper yourself! Pedicure maybe?

PS. If your worried about your postings here getting sucked into a contested divorce, we can nuke them for your protection. Just throwing that out there in case you need to protect yourself.

[Linked]

We are here for you as you go through this difficult time, I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through, and have gone through. And now you are wondering if there is even hope ahead. There will definitely be happy times ahead! Just make it through this part.

Your soon to be ex sounds like an all around bad dude. I know lots and lots of guys who would never consider hiring a prostitute or cheating on their wife.

[w2mz]

Your soon to be ex sounds like an all around bad dude. I know lots and lots of guys who would never consider hiring a prostitute or cheating on their wife.

^^^ This.

He sounds like an ass. That’s not normal. Sorry for your situation and I hope you find the perfect person. (On your own timeline.)

[alas]

You're about the age of my daughter who got divorced a few years ago.Her jerk may have had different issues, "d"s and "a"s instead of "p"'s but the problem specifics don't matter as much as the violated trust. What is most damaging after that kind of relationship is the damaged trust.

I'll tell you what I told her. Like others have said, you need some time to heal and get your life sorted. And there are good faithful guys out there. I have been married to one for 47 years. Right now focus on yourself and do what you need to be happy. When you learn to be happy all by yourself, you are a much better judge of who you want to be with.

The good news is that my daughter did find a guy who treats her like the best thing that ever happened to him. But keep your goal as you being happy whether or not you are with a guy.

[2bizE]

i dont have any great advice for Lith, but just hope you know we love and support you.

[Reuben]

I... I just... I can't even... what does he... ARGH. I have no words bad enough to describe his behavior.

Real, deep, abiding love does happen. I was recently thrilled to realize again that I've found "true love" with my wife. I'm sure most of it is her doing. Men who are like her - good, loving and faithful - are out there, too.

But you might not need a relationship with one as much as you need the possibility of having it and to believe that you're worthy of happiness. You totally are. You deserve goodness, and to be surrounded by people who understand how awesome you are.

[moksha]

I guess I am pathetically looking for men on here to say, yeah, there are good guys out there and you will be “enough” for them, ....

There are good guys out there and you will be enough for them. Not all guys are hound dogs. I suspect there are divorced men who are yearning for companionship and support in a monogamous setting.

Men's sex drives diminish as they get older. Men go from thinking about sex 90% of the time from the teens to the early twenties, down to a point where they can do some earnest reflection on more serious points of life somewhere in the mid-forties. By the time men are Russel M. Nelson's age they might not remember what they were thinking about back in their teenage years, but they still appreciate companionship.

Relationships are hard, but sometimes they work wonderfully. If you meet someone great. If you stay single that is great too. Only pursue the relationship thing when you feel ready for it.

[StarbucksMom]

Lithium, I am so, so sorry.

4 things:
1) Here's a 2 in 1 "p" word that describes your soon to be ex: Pathetic P.O.S.
2) Karma is VERY real. Good things are headed your way, but not his.
3) After going through some really difficult things, I have learned that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Always.
4)

[Mormorrisey]

I'm so sorry you've gone through this, and are currently dealing with the fallout. Just so sad.

I listen to these #metoo stories, and stories like yours, and I just think to myself, "can't these a-holes just keep their pants zipped up?" I really don't know what's hard about this, to be honest. Maybe I need more understanding, but then I see the victims, like you, and my desire for understanding is literally wiped out. I know you can heal from this, it will take time. And allow yourself that time. But yes, there are good men/women/transgendered people out there, who are faithful and in a loving relationship, just as there are toxic individuals who create toxic relationships. My marriage has problems, but my goodness, at the heart of it is some respect for reach other as decent human beings, a feeling clearly not reciprocated by your ex. My best wishes for your journey back to a better world. It's there!

[MoPag]

Hugs Lith!!!

hugs4Lith.png (35.97 KiB) Viewed 7734 times

[Just This Guy]

A few thoughts from my perspective.

First off, if he was lying about seeing people on the side, what other skeletons does he had in his closet?

Next, is this something that the two if you want to make work? Both of you need to make this decision. But don't rush into it. I would highly recommend talking to a family therapist. Start with if the relationship can work, then you can get into how to fix it later. I would suggest that you avoid a church councilor or even a Christian counseling service if you can. I have had bad luck with them. They have a underlying religious bias that limits objectivity.

At a minimum, I would suggest that you require that your husband get an full STD check and verify the results yourself. This should be nonnegotiable. Don't take his word on it, read the paperwork yourself. If he refuses, stand your ground and that may be time to talk to a lawyer

[Lithium Sunset]

I don’t have a lot of time to reply right now but I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s like being wrapped in a warm NOM blanket. I have so much respect for many of you. Your posts helped me get through the night, day, and mediation this afternoon.

You’d only need to know a fourth of what he has done to me and the kids to call him a monster. I want to reply more later but thank you again.

[Coop]

Sorry to hear of your problems. Unfortunately too many marriages are suffering because of these issues. To say nothing of the individuals involved. The good news is at least you are considering your future and that your future might include an intimate relationship. The challenge is as you say, how do I find a good man?

As you work through your emotions this might not be the best time to share the following advice but when you are ready I highly recommend a book that will give you insight into the dynamics of our sexual nature. The book is "The Secret of Tiny Cloud" and if I could I would make it required reading for anyone in the Church who is married or who is considering marriage in the immediate future. While it is partly prescriptive most of the book is simply descriptive and leaves the value judgments up to the individual. If you are one of those people who need to know why this is good resource. You can find it on Amazon.

All the best,
Bob

[Hagoth]

Sorry you have to go through this LS. It breaks my heart.

For what it's worth, I know far more one-woman men than men who sneak around behind their wive's backs. I wouldn't be surprised if many of those men take a peek at porn every now and then, but otherwise remain loyal.

Best of luck going into uncharted territory.

[Raylan Givens]

Sounds like a tragic start to a new adventure. All the best, maybe you will meet a good dude who has personal integrity and grit to match yours.

[wtfluff]

I'm gonna buck the trend here a bit and say: It's ok to be single.

You don't have to find another man to be complete. You and you alone are "Enough".