Hurting....

[Rob4Hope]

This is off topic, but here it is anyway. You anonymous people are still friends.

About 8 months ago I took over a caregiving situation with my sister for my aged father. Neither she nor I are married, and because I have no home (another sad story), we were good candidates. So, we moved into my father's home and took over the responsibilities: my sister during the day, myself during the evening, and his life-alert at night if needed.

Things went great for a while.

Over the Christmas holiday season, we had some serious down-turns: heart failure, edema, and serious vascular problems. We spend 5 of the 7 days between Christmas and New-Years in the hospital. From there, we got him into rehab, though there was a split among the doctors over that choice or hospice.

Rahab went well, but prior to the last week, downturns including heart-failure progression. But, after a small upswing, he was released and sent home. The second night home, he had a fall, and for the next 4 days, I got about 1.5 hours of sleep a night. Totally unprepared for this turn of events, it has been touch-and-go since.

Something happened during one of the nights that broke the heart of most of my family. I can't disclose but will say it just was devastating to many family members. No way to come back from that one and the pain caused. Some of my family members can't be in the same room as my father.

I have no choice but to return to work tomorrow -- I took off this past week, and I need to be back to the office; there is a re-org happening in my department, and frankly, I am having a completely new job coming my way. Its not like I don't have enough stress to worry about.

last night, about 9 pm, I heard a loud thump and racing to the scene, found my father on the floor completely unable to push his life-alert button. I deadlifted him off the floor. In exhaustion and at the insistence of my sister, I fell asleep last night, and by coincidence, after a nightmare, I awoke at 4 am today. I laid there, just grateful to be in my bed with warm covers. Around 4:25 am I heard another loud bump, listened carefully and heard a cry for help. Racing to the scene, another fall. I had to dead-lift my father off the floor, and through some tricky maneuvering, was able to get him back into his chair. Today, around 9 am we attempted to get him up and to the restroom. His legs collapsed, and this time I was behind him and caught him, again getting him back into his chair.

I'm exhausted. My sister, all 100 lbs of her with some back problems, can NOT lift my father off the floor. I can barely do it. So, here we are, at the end of this period of time and having hearts broken in the midst of it. We are racing as fast as we can (which is a failure on other family members who were warned OVER AND OVER that we needed to be prepared) to get my father into a care facility where they have the equipment and staff to assist. Hospice is VERY close around the corner.

I've never been so tired in my life. This situation is destroying the health of my sister and me, and I am putting my job in jeopardy. My heart has never been so wrentched in my life. Old wounds have been opened up, and I feel my own frailty and flaws like never before. If anything positive can come from this, its something I've learned for myself: I want to make every amend I can--I want to correct past mistakes, problems, hurts and everything I can. I do not want to leave things to fester and destroy when it comes my time to pass. I've been reminded that some things, regardless of whether there is a life after, need to be dealt with HERE. If they are not, the pain persists after we leave because the cuts still leave scars.

Oh GOD how some things can hurt.

God (if there is such a thing) help me get to the end of this day and survive the week. I've stopped taking one day at a time, and am now one moment at a time.

I've got friends who have learned because of their own wounds how to cry with those who cry. I feel such gratitude that I can reach for them now, and they understand. I didn't know that I would someday join their ranks.

[Linked]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father's declining health and the burden that you have taken upon yourself when others wouldn't or couldn't. Your father is lucky to have you. When I was a teenager my mother's father stayed with us for years as his health got worse and worse. It was a huge amount of work for my mom, and it was hard to watch him decline. Eventually he had to stay in a home after a stroke when his needs were too great. It was sad to not be there as much for him while he was in a home, but a huge relief to have those countless hours of work back for my mom.

I hope you can get the details worked out for an assisted living facility for your dad and you can take some time to heal yourself and take care of your work.

[No Tof]

Rob you need to get help now.

You are putting yourself into potential danger of physical injury and then being unable to help yourself or your father.

I’m really sorry to hear that there is also emotional pain but first things first. Get into a better place physically so you can heal the other wounds.

Hoping for positive outcomes.

[Wonderment]

Rob, I have been in this situation as my own parent's life went into decline, and it is very, very, trying. Glad to read that you are racing to get him into a care facility. In the meantime, if you are able to hire a home caregiver for only a few hours a day, it is a tremendous help -- especially during the nights.
If your father has any savings left, ( and some elderly people do not), it is well worth the cost to use those funds for a home caregiver.

In addition, if you have a family crisis center in your community, you could call and ask for a respite caregiver to come out at no charge and provide a few hours of care for your father so that you can get some sleep. Crisis centers are often privately funded, so there is no charge for a respite caregiver.
Sending you many positive thoughts.....I know your father appreciates everything you do, even if he doesn't say so in words. - Wndr.

[deacon blues]

Taking care of older parents, is difficult at best. It sounds like you are in a situation where you have to do it single handed. Try and get some help. If family can't/won't, help use community, church, or government resources. Do not let care-giving harm your own health.

[Rob4Hope]

The family has pulled it together. We have a facility on retainer, and he is being moved tomorrow during the morning hours. He knows and accepts its necessary. We can't do this caregiving anymore--it is killing us to help in this way.

We have a professional caregiver coming tonight to get us to tomorrow. So, come 10pm, I'm into bed and except for my morning alarm, I'm turning my phone off.

From what I've read, its gunna take me a while to transition and heal myself from the strain and trauma of this whole thing. I'm gunna do some very needed self-care and try to create some type of social life that is so very missed.

What a long and difficult day this has been. Ouch!

My father knows I love him. I've done all I can to love and help him. And its time to transition without regret or remorse.

[Wonderment]

My father knows I love him. I've done all I can to love and help him. And its time to transition without regret or remorse.
Top

You are truly a wonderful son to him. I'm so glad that you give yourself credit for everything you have done. Definitely time for some self-care now. - Wndr.

[Thoughtful]

I'm glad you've got some things in place now. This sounds exhausting and stressful. Once he's situated, I hope you can prioritize some space for self care and processing. Good luck and prayers.

[redjay]

Glad to hear you have some respite. Though I'm sorry to hear of your struggle.

[Caligurl2012]

Rob:

I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. It’s tough to see our parents age.

As for you, I’m so happy that you are getting help to care for your Dad. I had to put my Dad in memory care last year and it about killed me because I felt that I could take care of him myself. I was so very wrong. Taking care of a loved one does put a huge physical and emotional toll on those that are caregivers. Even putting him in a very nice memory care unit, I experienced much guilt that I couldn’t do the job alone and I was pawning off my responsibilities of taking care of him to others. With time I realized that I couldn’t be his sole caregiver because it was destroying my health. He got full time care and I got some respite - a win for both of us. In November I brought in hospice. Dad was diagnosed with dementia, after my Mom died in April 2014, and aggressive prostate cancer in April 2017. Even though he couldn’t remember who I was for the last several months, he was doing pretty good up until his birthday in December. After New Years he took a sharp decline. From January 5th to his death on January 23rd, he went from walking, to falling out of the bed five times in one weekend, to wheel chair, hospital bed, to not eating, drinking, stopped talking, to death in a few short weeks. I was there almost 24/7 during that time and I know that I could NOT have done that on my own - it would have killed me!

I know you are feeling guilt and you are exhausted and that is to be expected. Take it day by day and try to get sleep and rest when you can. Above all, just love your Dad. I am also happy to hear that you have your sister helping you out. I have one sibling, a brother, that was completely useless. Ugh!!!

Hang in there. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!!!

[Caligurl2012]

Me again...

As for old wounds, I understand. I found out some things about my one uncle while on his deathbed which brought me to tears.

For my Dad, we have been pretty close, especially after my Mom died. He wasn’t always the nicest man. During the last few days of his life my brother came to visit him. My brother told me that he had “nothing to say to him”: WTH? My Dad gave my brother a job since he was 12 (Dad owned several businesses), bought my brother a brand new F-250 and built him a house. I have no idea what happened between the two of them and I’m too pissed off at my brother to ask.

I love what you said about making amends now and not allowing wounds to fester! Love it!

[Kishkumen]

I'm late to this party.

So sorry Rob. That's an awful position and my heart aches for your emotional and physical struggles. I hope things are now calmer.

You are a good man to take of another human in need. The world is better because of you.

[RubinHighlander]

Wow dude, that's brutal! Glad you got him into a facility now. I think a lot about these end of life situations as my mom has more and more issues each year. I think about it for myself as I hit my mid 50s and think about the next 20 years. No easy answers.

Only thing I can offer other than my empathy is to get outside and get some nature in your soul. Just go and wander or hike out in some trees by a lake as soon as you can, walk and try to clear your mind. Just being out there is the best medicine that I've found for stress relief.

[a1986]

wow. . . I'm glad to hear that things are somewhat resolved now? My goodness, that sounds like the most stressful situation for EVERYONE to have been in.

I wish you all the best moving forward, and to your dad as well. I hope you can rest easy knowing he's in experienced, capable hands that can care for him until it's his time.

All the best to you and your family!

[blazerb]

This must be rough. I, like the others, am glad that things are being dealt with. Take care.

[MoPag]

Hugs!!!

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[MerrieMiss]

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope things are looking up a little and that you are getting some much needed self care, although taking care of one's parents in the end of life is always difficult.

Only thing I can offer other than my empathy is to get outside and get some nature in your soul. Just go and wander or hike out in some trees by a lake as soon as you can, walk and try to clear your mind. Just being out there is the best medicine that I've found for stress relief.

I've found this to be very true.

[Hagoth]

Hang in there, man!